Canon Fodder

CHAPTER 155 AND…SCENE

There wasn’t much talking going on. Jimbei wasn’t the best at poker faces. He was mostly shocked as he stared at me. I put on my best impression of Ash. Charging my vocal chords with chakra until I got her voice right. It took time and practice, but I was a fucking ninja, of course I could change my voice. 

The stupid awakening phrase caused the baby shark song to get stuck in my head the entire time. I knew I shouldn’t have made that the waking term. I should have done something less catchy. Like ‘this girl is on fire’...and then that got stuck in my head. It was freaking annoying being me. I passed the time by practicing my quirk. Making my fingertips extremely hot/cold I was getting better at it. 

My left hand fingertips were extremely hot, and my right hand fingertips were extremely cold. I easily scratched the hot fingers into the seastone cuffs, causing them to melt a little so I did it to the stone on the wall instead, melting and freezing that. Every moment was training time. 

Before I knew it a new Vice-Fleet Admiral was coming down to escort me. He was a tall marine with a stick up his ass. With a cigar on his lips he was pretty ugly too in his marine attire. 

“This her?” He asked the assistant jailer. 

“Who the fuck you think it is?” I barked, doing my best Ash impression. “Come in here and I’ll kick your ass. My execution isn’t for hours yet.” 

“It’s been moved up,” the vice-admiral said. The jailers stepped in and released me from the wall. I kicked, they hit me over the head with a club and I pretended to be subdued. 

“Still fire left in her, eh?” The vice-admiral said. “Good. The people will like a show.” He picked me up and dragged me out. I had worried one of the other prisoners would say something, but none did. If they had it was Chikyugi necklace time, drag these idiots to the lift and go execute myself. 

The lift shut and we headed up. “I heard some commotion earlier,” I mumbled, subdued. 

One of the jailers looked over. “Someone broke in. That was hours ago. They stupidly went down to the 5th floor. Haven’t seen them since.” The person scoffed, I smiled. That was good. Luffy should have made it to the 5th floor and found Ivankov. The flamboyant devil fruit user would be able to fix him up and help him get to the 6th floor to save Ash. Back in the manga he didn’t make it in time, like he didn’t currently. I hoped the canon would stick. Luffy had good luck, so it should. I prayed my luck held up. 

We left the prison with little incident. I was shackled to a chair on deck of the ship. I considered breaking out, but honestly I was having too much fun. I had powers that these people couldn’t stop with seastone. I could freaking fly. And I was strong. Granted, I didn’t have Haki, but I was something they weren’t expecting. After this stunt they would be. They would have to question everyone forever. 

Is that guy Weston the ninja? He can change faces. Seastone doesn’t work on that guy. He is crazy as hell. He took the place of someone about to be executed. He spit in the eye of the marines. He broke into and escaped Impel Down easily. Can we trust the marines? They couldn’t kill the person they wanted. 

It was all too good honestly. They would be questioning these marines, unsure if I had switched places with her here on this boat. Actually now that I thought about it, maybe I should have. I could have put them into a Genjutsu and…no stop. I had to be happy with my plan. I made an impression on Ash and Jimbei. 

I let my mind wander for a bit as the ship took us through the giant gates that somehow interconnected the marine main buildings. Isolated by some sort of stream I considered it more Oda magic.

The vice-fleet admiral talked about justice a lot. Repenting for sins. I kind of tuned him out. Continuing to practice my quirk I started working on my lazer beam. Harder than the fingertip I was trying to make it heat up in a singular wave straight from my finger. I spent a good hour doing that until we pulled up to the Marine Headquarters. 

Marineford was a massive place. On an island it was in the shape of a fat crescent moon. Where the moon pinched together was a giant pool where the ships hung around. Pretty much everything on the island was covered by concrete. Huge marine ships out front, there were thousands of marines running around the place. They looked like ants in comparison to the Asian themed headquarters. And at it’s center, straight ahead from me was the execution platform in the distance. It was daunting to see them all waiting for me.  

“It is okay to weep,” the vice-admiral said, staring at the place. I lifted my leg and farted. He looked disgusted back at me but was soon dragging me along by my seastone chains. The boat docking I was dragged along. Step after step as we passed by marines running about their day. Preparing for the war that was going to hit. 

I thought I saw Coby in the crowd, but there were too many young marines to focus on one. Up stairs we made our way through the marines. I noticed the Shichibukai at one side. The 5 left anyway. There was Bartholomew Kuma with his bible, Count Chocula looking Moira, pimp dressed Doflamingo, Dracul Mihawk, and the beautiful Boa Hancock. 

Her eyes turned to me. Far away I could easily read her lips. “Weston?” She asked. I flashed her a quick wink and smile. She frowned, unhappy about it. 

We went up another level to see the 3 Marine Admirals. Aokiji was out front, he hadn’t made an appearance yet, but he could control ice. Akainu, was a dick and killed Ace in the manga, I needed to watch out for him. He could control lava. Then Kizaru was some gangster looking guy in a striped suit. I was pretty sure he could turn into light. The coolest of all the devil fruits in my opinion. If I could have any, it would be his or Kuma’s.

I kept being escorted until I was at the top of a wood platform. The marines dropped my chains and held 2 swords crossed in front of me. Ready to cut off my head at a moment’s notice. My heart racing I couldn’t believe I was actually there. 

It was one thing to plan this, it was a whole different thing to actually be there. I was going to be pulling the best switcheroo in the history of the world. I was a freaking idiot for signing up for it, but I loved it. This was why I was there. So much preparation and nights spent thinking for this very moment. And it had gone off without a hitch so far. That was, as long as Luffy showed up at least. 

“Garp, I will make the announcement,” a voice said behind me. I turned to see Monkey D. Garp behind me. I stiffened. If anyone could see through this transformation jutsu, it was that guy. Beside him was the head guy, Fleet Admiral Sengoku. He was a tall man with black hair, and a goatee that was braided down his chin. I hoped their Haki wasn’t strong enough to tell I didn’t have boobs under my chakra disguise. 

“Do as you like,” Garp growled. “I’ll be down below.” I sighed. I should be fine. 

Sengoku walked up, standing in front of me at the front of the platform. Denden-mushi in hand he spoke into it, making his voice boom around us. I noticed cameras set up, this was being broadcast all over the world. I put on a scared look. 

“I have something crucial to tell you all. Something about the true meaning of Portgas D. Ash meeting her end today,” Sengoku said. He turned to me. “Ash, who is your father?” He asked, turning to me. 

I couldn’t help but say, “Your momma.” 

“No, Ashley, who is your real father?” He asked. 

“Your mother. She was a transvestite. Not many people knew. I try to not mention my father. She was very ugly. Looked like her son.” 

“Goddammit, don't be a child,” Sengoku said. I thought I heard someone who sounded distinctly like Garp laughing from below. Sengoku moved on. “Back then we searched for a possible child of that man. Based on tiny leads we investigated all newborn children and new mothers, but found nothing. Out of pure obstinacy your mother risked her life to keep herself pregnant with you. Far longer than should normally be possible. Thus changing the possible conception date until after your father’s death, and allowing you to pass notice. Your mother’s name was Portgas D. Rouge. Out of pure willpower she stayed pregnant for 20 months.” He paused, allowing the words to sink in for the audience. “And when she gave birth, her strength spent, she left the world as you entered. One year and 3 months after your father was executed. That father being Gol D. Roger. The Pirate King!” 

People freaked out. Reporters wet themselves with the news. Marines gossiped like women at church. I rolled my eyes. 

“So fucking what, Sengoku!” I spat. He turned to look at me. “So what? Who did you raise? A Donquixote and Drake?” I asked, his eyes widened. Surprised I knew that he raised them. “A Donquixote? He was once a Tenryuubito. I know you marines care a hell of a lot about those asshats. If parents matter to you so much, shouldn’t you judge them? One Donquixote was nice? The other, one of those despicable pirates you hate!” I yelled. I knew from the manga Sengoku had raised Donquixote Rosinante. A good man. But his brother Donquixote Doflamingo was a psychopath Shichibukai. “X Drake? What is he now? A pirate! Who the fuck are you to judge me? Huh. Fuck you, and the marines, and the Tenryuubito!” 

“Who told you that?” Sengoku asked. I smiled wide but didn’t answer. I doubt anyone heard me, but he did. That was enough. 

Sengoku took a moment to collect himself. When he was ready he spoke back into the snail. “2 years ago when you appeared on the Grand Line you took your mother’s name. Portgas. You rose with incredible speed in your own pirate crew. We realized that you could have had Roger’s blood. But Whitebeard did too. He chose to take you in. The daughter of his rival. Someone he might raise to become the first Pirate Queen.” 

“That’s right!” I decided on. “That’s exactly right! I’m going to be the first Pirate Queen. Bigger balls than all you fuckers. Go ahead, try to take my neck. I’m going to fly out of here flipping you the bird and flashing my dick to the lucky few that get to see it!” I felt that was in the true Firefist Ash fashion. 

“You done?” Sengoku asked. “Or will we need to gag you?” 

“Go ahead, I’m probably into that shit,” I said. Sengoku frowned but continued. 

“If we were to allow her to roam free for long, slowly but surely she would stand at the summit of a new era of piracy. That is why we must execute her now. Even risking a war with Whitebeard!” He yelled. Marines below cheered and I stuck my tongue out at him. Enjoying this way too much. 

“Bad move, Sengoku,” I said as he put the denden-mushi down. “You’re going to regret these words.”

“We will see, Ashley,” Sengoku said. “You should have listened to Garp and joined us.” 

“Oh, so I get a free pass if I’m part of you club?” I asked. “Fuck that. You empty suits can keep the job. Like you said, I’m going to be the Pirate Queen.” 

“Awfully confident,” he said. 

“I got gigantic balls. So big they’re on my tits,” I said pushing my chest out. He smirked.

“Fleet Admiral!” Someone yelled at the bottom of the platform. “The gates of justice are opening. We can’t seem to contact the control room.” 

“What?!” Sengoku yelled as he ran down the stairs. I decided to sit down. Moving from my knees the marines on either side eyed me but let me do it. I relaxed, content to wait and watch. I would know when I had to make my escape. 

I looked ahead as a huge line of assorted pirate ships approached. Then at the center of the crescent island huge ships shot up from the ocean. They had been coated in a bubble allowing them to go underwater. Like how someone got to Fishman Island. It was pretty ingenious. The giant ship, Moby Dick shot out of the water and at its head was Whitebeard himself. A giant man, I could see from my high view he had a giant white mustache…but no beard. 

“Who dared to touch my pressure daughter!?” Whitebeard yelled. I actually heard him. Then more people talked and I couldn’t hear much. I was sure I was supposed to yell stuff but I couldn’t remember my lines. The Whitebeard pirates started fighting. Whitebeard used his Earth Control devil fruit power to cause an earthquake then a tsunami hit, then Aokiji froze the giant waves. Honestly it was pure pandemonium. I watched it all wishing I had gotten a popcorn status screen reward. It was great to watch as these people fought and killed to save little old me. 

So many devil fruits. So many idiots. I mean they had cool powers, but their powers were useless in comparison to my Jitte. There was the phoenix devil fruit guy, then a diamond one, and pretty much everything I could think of. Then a giant that was supposedly Oars descendant was there too. Part of the Whitebeard crew I was pretty sure Ac-Ash made a straw hat for him, making the giant owe Ash his life for some reason. 

Thinking on the name I had forgotten to add the tattoo. Ashley had ‘Ash’ tattooed on her arm, I forgot to put it there. I couldn’t believe no one noticed. These freaking idiots. I couldn’t wait for my grand entrance. 

Then the Oars giant went on a suicide run for me. The marines tore him apart. He almost made it to me before he dropped dead. I felt a little bad knowing he was dying uselessly, but Ash would be saved. His sacrifice wasn’t in complete vain. 

That’s when Sengoku and Garp moved to stand on either side of me. Well Sengoku stood, Garp sat. Luckily he sat on the side where my tattoo wasn’t. 

“Why are you here, Garp? Do you have a problem with the plan?” Sengoku asked. 

“No, she is a pirate. I feel no pity for Ash,” Garp said. “But family is different. What am I supposed to do? Ash, why didn’t you live like I told you to?” Garp sniffled, holding back tears. 

I considered acting like my dad and disappearing, but stuck it through. “What are you talking about? I lived like you raised us. Free,” I said. He looked at me surprised. I decided to push it more. “Not under anyone’s boot. Forced to let the Tenryuubito do what they want. I stopped injustice when I saw it. And lived everyday like it was my last. Just like you taught us.” 

He stared at me shocked for a minute, but then I was saved as people started looking up into the sky. Apparently the stars of the show had been on the giant frozen tsunami wave and it just broke. The large ship dropped in the middle of the crescent pool by the Moby Dick. The ship was overturned and sinking but that wasn’t enough to stop the elite group that had escaped the strongest prison in the world. I sighed, seeing Luffy in the group. 

I began heating up my fingers. The metal of the shackles melting with my touch. I left only a little metal holding on until I was sure to make my escape. Making water come out of my feet it pooled under me like piss, but instead of absorbing into the wood below me the water stayed condensed and ready. 

People stared at the new ship. Luffy dragged himself up from the wreckage. Seeing me he waved widely. “Weston! We made it!” 

“Fuck!” I hissed. Pouring chakra through my body I didn’t hesitate to run. Breaking through the rest of the chains I ran between Sengoky and Garp and jumped off the platform, soaring through the air. My puddle of water pooling underneath me I made it start moving forward as quickly as possible. 

My heart in my throat I felt more than one bullet fly by me. I simply sped up, closing the distance between us in seconds. As I landed on his overturned ship I saw who I expected next to Luffy. Crocodile, Jimbei, Buggy the Clown, the giant headed Ivankov, and the star of the show, Portgas D. Ash.

I let out a sigh as I landed in front of Luffy. I turned to face the marines and released my transformation jutsu . My face revealed, I put on my best smile, yelling, “Let this be a lesson! All of you should know this is the day you almost executed the Pirate Ninja Weston!” 

The marines and pirates around us stared at us in stunned silence. “Captain, you came for me,” I said, grabbing Luffy. “I knew you cared.” 

“Of course,” Luffy laughed. “And you saved my sister.” 

“Looks like you saved her,” I said. “Ash, no hard feelings?” 

“I’m still going to skull fuck you,” she spat. 

“Fine, but later,” I said with a wink. “Come on, let’s jump on the Moby Dick for now.” I pulled the water around us from where their ship had broken through the ice. I pulled me and the other hundred or so prisoners that escaped the prison and moved us up in a giant wave. Depositing us on the Moby Dick, Whitebeard turned to face us. 

“Old man!” Ash yelled running up to him. The old man smiled, an ugly look on him. 

“So…you were already saved?” He asked. 

“Kind of, we can explain later,” I said walking up to the front of the ship where we could still see the marines. “Captain, I think you should make an announcement.” 

“Announce what?” He asked, confused. 

“I don’t know, the whole world is watching, we could moon them,” I offered. 

Luffy laughed. Shaking his head he looked at the marines and pirates in front of us. “I’m Monkey D. Luffy! I will be the Pirate King!” His voice echoed over the area, met with stunned silence. 

“Whitebeard!” I yelled behind me. “You got an exit strategy?” 

“Of course,” he grumbled. “But I didn’t think it would happen so soon.” 

“Let’s get going,” Luffy said. “These marines look like they’re about to start attacking.” 

“Ay ay captain,” I said. “Retreat! The bitch Portgas D. Ash was me the whole time! You idiots were fighting over an ugly man! I told you my balls were bigger than all yours! And like I promised!” I pointed to Sengoku and flipped him off with both hands. “Hey Smoker, is that you?!” I yelled, seeing the smoke man. “See ya next time! Oh hey Luffy, I think that’s Coby.” 

“Oh hey Coby! See you,” Luffy yelled. People were jumping onto ships. Made all the easier from the frozen water. Pirates began breaking up the ice behind us as we started to prepare to leave. 

“Hey I think that Oars guy is still alive!” I yelled. “Someone grab him!”  Such a big man was grabbed by one man, no one was leaving a body behind. 

“Oy Ashley, hide, that lava guy is looking this way.” 

“What the hell does that matter?” She spat. 

“Lava beats fire, duh. Hate to end up with him killing you or something,” I said. 

“God dang, Luffy, I want to kill this crewman of yours,” Ash said. 

“Too bad,” Luffy said. “He’s the only ninja I’ve got.” 

“Yeah, too bad there sugar tits,” I said. “Come on, hurry up. I thought you guys were the most feared crew in the world. Why is it taking so long to turn this Dick around?”

It was nicely wrapped up soon enough. I wish it was anyway. The escape was more of a bitch than the fight itself. The marines eventually got out of their stupor. Jumping on their own ships to give chase, they had to save some face. But by the end of the day they gave up as Luffy and I mooned them.