Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 29: Sparge is a funny word.

I sipped from my fresh mug of coffee. The scent of beans was like heaven this early in the morning, and I luxuriated in the sweet taste of the cream. Joejam had delivered me a coffee first thing. We’d chatted about his attempts at making pretzels, munched on sticky sweet buns, and generally shot the shit about life and business. He’d left a few minutes ago so I could get to work.

A set of design blueprints sat in front of me. They were for the lauter tun that I'd been designing, and there were a few details that I just couldn’t get right. The [Tinkers] had sent my last plans back with a bunch of red underlines and questions I couldn’t answer. I knew a lot about how lauter tuns and mash tuns worked, but I wasn’t exactly a mechanic back on earth; I was working off of memory and hands on experience. Additionally, I still had a tendency to overestimate or underestimate the technology levels here.

They were weirdly advanced in some areas or behind in others. I was beginning to suspect that it was due to past Godly Chosen meddling. Like, magical artifice was fairly advanced, with artificial limbs and mining drills and magical fridges and stoves and whatnot. But blacksmithing was still somewhat primitive. The results were always functional and extremely well-made, but it wasn’t as though they were making nano-edged weapons or using fancy power tools like you’d see on youtube. It was all hammers, bellow forges, and sweaty grunting. They could do some neat enchantments, though, and they knew a heck of a lot about metallurgy.

Thankfully I had a resident expert here to help. Annie leafed through the designs and made appreciative noises mixed with the occasional *tut-tut*. Her first experience in beergineering had ended in catastrophe, but she'd learned a lot to get to that point. Plus, any good businessman knew that failure was the most valuable of teachers.

I really wanted a lauter and mash tun, but we only really had space for one of the two. I had decided on a lauter tun, since mash tuns only really helped with efficiency and consistency of the mash, and I cared more about the gunk that kept ending up in the beer.

A lauter tun was designed to properly separate the mash from the wort. It was a large pot with a series of filters on the bottom, a spinning bar of vertical knives, and a rotating sprayer or ‘sparge’ on the top. The knives stirred the mash to let the wort flow freely, the sparge ensured all the sugars were properly washed out, and the filters meant I'd never have to deal with a mouthful of mushy erdroot in my beer ever again.

I loved sparges. They were the second funniest word after moist.

“Ahem. You need to go down to the thousandths for your tolerances here.” Annie pointed to the pipes that connected the pump, sparge, and wort return.

I glanced back down. “They can do it that precisely!?” I asked in shock.

“Well, not by hand, but their machining golems can do it even better than that.”

See!? Machining golems capable of working as precisely as any machinist back on Earth! Even after two years I was still woefully lacking in Erdly experience.

“Yaknow, I still haven’t seen any golem carriages yet. Do they exist?” I asked.

“Why bother? That’s a lot of expense in magic stones and artifice when a pair of unigoats will do just as well. And be fluffier too.”

“Uh. Speed? Long distances? Fightin’ crime?”

Annie choked. “Fighting crime?”

“Aye! Like a carriage that turns into a guard! Golems in disguise and all that!”

“No. Now, according to this scrawl in the bottom left corner the [Tinkers] want to know if there are any material limitations. I took the liberty of recommending some specific alloys that are resistant to corrosion and rust.”

I combed my beard. “I just assumed it would all be stainless steel.”

Annie shook her head. “No, given the expense we may as well use something better. I recommended that the inner casing be made of soapsteel.”

I quirked an eyebrow. “Soapsteel?”

“It’s an alloy made from the metallic skull of the Steelhead Stonefish. It’s a monster that lives in Deepcore Dungeon in Kinshasa. It’s similar to stainless, but it also repels grease. It should be easier to clean.”

“Excellent. The crew will be happy about that. I was worried the grate at the bottom would be a pain to clean.”

“Oh, it still will. Johnsson will hate you for it.”

“Hmmm…. Anything else?”

Annie circled the magic pump at the bottom of the tun. “Yes. I know you love all things magical, but a magic stone for pumping the water to this ‘sparge’ sprayer is unnecessary. Same for the wort return to the kettle. A manual pump would work just as well.”

“I mean… the enchanted one will be easier? I already made tha knife stirrer dwarf-powered.”

“Easier on who? Pete, Johnsson's strength is over twenty. He can handle it.”

“Who’s Johnsson goin’ to hate now?”

“Johnsson likes building up a sweat.”

“Emma and Zirce like it when he builds up a sweat too.”

We shared a laugh at that.

I took another sip of my coffee and sighed. The air was somehow clearer after my heart to heart with Aqua the other day. It was like a pall over the entire office that I hadn’t realized was there until it had lifted.

Things were finally going to plan too. If we sent these designs back by the end of today, the lauter tuns would be complete well before the brewing contest. The tanks of stout hadn’t shown any signs of a bad batch. We were on a roll, and nothing could possibly -

“EMERGENCY!!!!” Aqua screamed as she burst through the doors. My atomized spit-take arced right into her face and she screamed louder. "AHHHHHHHHH!!!"

“Ahhh! Aqua!” I grabbed a fresh towel from a nearby cleaning cart and passed it to her. She was swearing up a storm, but buried her face in the towel and scrubbed furiously. Then she wrung out her blue beard all over the floor.

“Pete! Annie! You won’t believe it!”

Annie shrugged. “I mean… I might? I’ve seen a lot of unbelievable things these past couple years.”

“I got a Blessing!!!” She declared in wonder. “From Yearn! I can be Titled!!!”

“That’s pretty believable, actually.” I pointed out.

“Congratulations!!!” Annie jumped up from her seat.

“I can't believe it!!” Aqua spun around with joy, and drops of coffee splattered off her beard and around the office. Some landed on the design plans; I almost wept. Aqua continued shouting for joy, unfazed. “I can get an elfin TITLE!!! And I’m not even eighty-eight years old yet!!”

Annie swept Aqua up in a hug and the two of them spun around screeching while I desperately dried the papers and mopped the floor.

“What was it for?” Annie asked when they separated.

“It’s the strangest thing.” Aqua grinned. “I was thinking about what we talked about, Pete, when I suddenly got a notification. It said: ‘for opening my heart to a dear friend and accepting one of their deepest, darkest, secrets in return, Yearn has noticed me.’”

Annie frowned. “That was it? I’ve never heard of someone getting Titled for that. And I never got a notification like that when Pete told me about his reincarnation thing.”

I coughed and spoke up. “I may still have a few details to tell you. But yeah, according to Barck, bein’ around me means that the Gods are more likely to give you a Blessin’, so I’m actually surprised it took this long.”

The two stared at me for a long moment.

“You never told me that, either!” Annie accused.

“Or me!” Aqua harrumphed.

“I forgot.” I shrugged.

“Does it work for anyone? We could charge gold to spend time with you!” Annie said, her eyes turning into gold pieces.

Aqua choked. “That’s a terrible plan, Annie. We could get in so much trouble.”

“Gold is gold!”

“On that note, how have YOU not gotten a second Blessing yet Annie?” I asked.

Aqua and I both turned to regard her and she blushed. “I uh… I’ve gotten a few actually. Mostly from Tiara and Aaron for business stuff and taking over the brewery. But I turned them down.”

Aqua and I wore twin stares of disbelief.

“I really wanted a second Blessing from Barck! I want…” Annie stumbled over her words and took a moment to recenter. “You see, after the accidents, and everything else, I really want [Greater Luck]. The only way to get it is to be twice Blessed by Barck. I was thinking of a [Saint] or an [Inventor].”

I hmm’d. “[Inventor] sounds like it would suit ya.”

"You don't want to go the [Alchemist] to [Brewer] route?" Aqua asked.

Annie frowned. “Not after everything the guild did to us the past few years. I want to see if there's a brewing path for the [Inventor] Specializations. Nobody’s ever checked.”

“That’s a great idea!” Aqua said brightly. “And [Inventor] suits you more than a boring old [Brewer] Annie. Who’d ever want to be something so mundane?”

“Hey!” I exclaimed.

“You’re an [Otherworldly Brewer], Pete. It doesn’t count.” Annie said offhandedly. “So what are you going to pick Aqua? Did you already accept the Blessing? Not everyone likes getting Yearn’s Blessing.”

“I dunno. I kind of like Yearn. She gets a bad rap because she’s the Goddess of Nether, but she’s also the Goddess of Love you know.” Aqua pouted.

“What’re yer options?” I asked.

Aqua considered for a moment. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to ignore the Nether Titles. Those are [Blank] and [Silencer]. [Blank] is banned, so it’s straight out.”

“I don’t know Aqua, [Silencer] sounds nice. I could really get behind a Title that finally got some peace and quiet around here.” Annie jabbed Aqua.

Aqua punched back. “Shaddup, Annie.”

“Become a [Silencer] and make me!”

“[Silencer] seems self evident. You’re already blessed by Midna, who covers Spirit and Communication, so [Silencer] must be Nether and Communication? And it’s… an anti-Blessing for Communication.”

Both of the dwarfesses nodded in unison, and I was momentarily struck by how similar they were in their small mannerisms. Sisters indeed.

I continued. “And [Blank] would be Nether and Spirit. Spirit is a combination of your mind and soul. What would that even look like…” I mused on it. The only other banned Title I had experience with was Tim’s [Swindler] and that had been bad enough! What would a Title that gave power over the soul or mind directly be like? I shivered involuntarily.

“It’s not as bad as you’re thinking, Pete.” Annie pulled me from my dark thoughts. “A [Blank] gets an upgraded [Nothingness]; they’re better than others at removing their existence from perception. As they Specialize, they can get the power to suppress or even manipulate the spirits of the especially weak minded. That’s incredibly rare though.”

“Doesn’t stop them from being banned as a result.” Aqua nodded, and her voice grew pensive. “But, honestly, I’m focused on the relationship Titles. There’s [Counselor] and… [Hypnotist].”

Annie sucked in her breath. “Oh, Aqua.”

Aqua clenched her fists. “I’d be able to help other people who’ve lost their memories or taken spirit damage. Maybe I’ll even be able to help my dad one day!”

“Would you be leaving the Goat? To do it full time?” I asked.

Aqua shook her head. “No! No, there’s too much going on right now. You lot need me. I’ll do what that big lug Rumbob does! He’s a Titled [Counselor] but does all his work in a tavern as a [Tavernic Counselor]. Maybe I’ll become a [Tavernic Hypnotist!].”

I snickered. “Or since we own a pub, maybe it would be a [Pubic -“

“I think I need some time alone with Aqua, Pete.” Annie suddenly grabbed me by the shoulder and escorted me out of the office. “Go… check your stouts or something.”

She slammed the office door behind me and I was left in the brewroom, bereft.

Kirk looked over from where he was cleaning the rafters. “What’s up bossman?”

“Uh… you?”

“Haw, Haw.” He gave a wry chuckle and returned to work.

I went to check the stouts.

Again.

Sigh.