Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 35: Barista Brew

Whistlemop looked down at the remaining full tankards. “So… what do we call it?”

I grinned wickedly. “I know exactly what we’ll call it.”

Annie gave me a concerned glance. “And what’s that? Is it better than Ass-Blaster?”

I began “It’s beer and coffee, so -“

“Barista Brew.” Copperpot interrupted with a note of finality. “Similar to True Brew but different enough to differentiate it.”

“But -“

“No” Annie said, crossing her arms. “Barista Brew is perfect.”

“But, Beerfee-”

“Oh, absolutely not.” Copperpot hissed.

“What about -”

“NO!” Annie and Copperpot both shouted at once.

“Whistlebrew?” Whistlemop said quietly, and was ignored.

I sighed and gave up the point. What I REALLY wanted to call it was a variation on Four Loko. Like True Loko, or something like that. Four Loko was one of the most popular caffeinated beers back home. At least, it had been until the Canadian government banned the sale of energy drinks mixed with alcohol. Something about stopping hearts, and being unreasonably popular with teenagers. Ah well, maybe I could name the dwarven version something else. Hopefully Annie wouldn’t realize that we hadn’t named it until too late.

“And you should think of a name for the dwarven version too.” Copperpot mentioned.

Annie looked struck. “I would have forgotten. Thank you, Copperpot.”

“Damn yer’ high intelligence.” I grumbled.

Copperpot gave a grandfatherly smile. “Well, I do want to see my business partner succeed after all.”

That’s right. We were now business partners with one of the largest companies in Minnova, if not Crack. Haha! Things were looking up!

Except for poor Whistlemop who looked extra dejected. He may have sniffled.

“Buck up Whistlemop,” Copperpot said. “We’re going to need someone to provide the glass for all the Barista Brew we’re going to be selling.

“There is that!” Whistlemop immediately brightened up. “And I have something that may appeal to you!” He leaned in to whisper in Copperpot’s ear. I strained my nicely-high perception, but wasn’t able to catch much. If those two were making plans together, everyone else would need to look out.

Annie and Copperpot eventually got down to the nitty gritty of the business deal. There was a lot of stuff that was heavily based on reading between the lines of dwarven law and toeing the line on tradition, so I bowed out. My lessons with Richter were continuing abreast, but I was still a ways off from understanding all the nitty gritty as well as a native. Plus, Richter had a recent obsession with studying the origins of spirit and how it related to the soul and other planes of existence. It was making me uncomfortable.

Whistlemop left at the same time, wobbling away on unsteady legs to go munch on scones back at his Main Street store. That left me alone on a work day with nothing needing my immediate ownerly attention.

So I went to go use [Refine Brew] on bottles of stout as they were bottled, like some common labrourer. It was a monotonous task, made more bearable by the cheerful banter of the other staff. Moony and Markus told witty jokes, and only occasionally made angry pointed noises about their backs. Richter and Johnsson started a soap fight while cleaning inside one of the fermentation tanks, which abruptly ended when Zirce and Emma closed the lid on them.

The tanks were surprisingly soundproof. We could barely hear their angry shouts.

—

Copperpot and Annie took until after the pub closed to complete the specifics. I was cleaning the kitchen with Bran when they finally arrived, eyes beaming, to tell me it was done.

“It’s done!” Copperpot said.

“Mostly done.” Annie corrected. “You still need to give him the list of ingredients.”

“I can do that.” I wiped my hands clean of some grease and gave Bran a cheery wave. “Enjoy!”

“Bah! Hey, you, [Engineer]! Can you make me an enchanted somethin’-or-other that’ll do the dishes for me?”

Copperpot raised his eyebrows and made a *hmm* sound. “That would be difficult, but… I could see it being possible.”

“I can’t imagine somethin’ like a magical washer of dishes would ever be popular.” I bald-faced lied. “Let’s go to yer new facility, Copperpot. Annie should see it, and I can give you the recipe there.”

“I heard from Pete that it’s huge. And… ‘amazeballs’ as he put it.” Annie snorted.

Copperpot laughed out loud. “You certainly have a way of turning a phrase Pete.”

“Lemontwist can do the dishes, Bran.” I said. “Isn’t that why you hired her?”

“Nah, she’s busy with prep for tomorrow. I’ll just make Aqua do it; she’s still skulking about fer snacks.”

There was a rapid pattering of feet in the back of the pub followed by the alley door slamming.

“Aright, you’re on dish duty, Lemontwist.” Bran finished. The young gnomess groaned.

Copperpot and I headed to the door, and Annie followed after.

“Can I come too?” She asked.

“I don’t see why not.” Copperpot nodded. “As our senior partner you should really give it your okay.”

“Oh, but watch out for assassins on the way.” I said nonchalantly. Copperpot sighed.

To Annie’s credit, her voice barely quavered. “What?”

Copperpot spun his beanie as we walked out into the crisp night air of Minnova. Although the temperature didn’t actually change at ‘night’, so it was really just more of the slightly warm moist that it always was. According to Balin there was an actual ‘sky’ in the dungeon, and I was getting tempted to do a dungeon dive with him sometime just to experience it. I was beginning to miss blue skies and clouds as much as I missed chocolate.

“Pete is referring to a problem I’m having with the Mine Corporation. They would be very happy to see this venture fail, and until it is up and running everyone involved is in a spot of risk.” Copperpot explained.

“Maybe I’ll stay home….” Annie looked around, nervously. “Gnomish Corporate Combat can get a bit… dicey.”

“And slicey!” Copperpot agreed. “Nearly as bad as the old clan Feuds used to get. It’s all illegal now, of course, but… gold is gold.”

“Corporate Combat?” I asked.

Annie nodded. “Just like the clans, gnomish corporations had major disagreements crop up from time to time. CC is corporate espionage with literal death squads."

I shivered, imagining megacorps from games like Cyberpunk. It gave a whole new meaning to the corporate phrase, ‘I’ll CC you’. “Did they change it to be like the codified Feuds?”

Copperpot gave an angry snort. “No, we wish. Country of Crack Ordinances, Volume 1, Section 128 puts firm limits on what we can do. I’m afraid gnomes are limited to applying the old iron hammer of commerce. Many of my fellows chafe at that. If dwarves are allowed to Feud, we gnomes should still be allowed some version of our historical form of bloody politick. All the law really does is make the fighting more covert.”

“Speaking of which, did you hear about the march on the capital?” I said, remembering my earlier conversation with Sam. “Respecting the rights of gnomes seems to be one of the major issues.”

Copperpot frowned. “Yes, the board of directors brought it to my attention. They think it’ll fail, but… I do spend a lot of time around students. They talk. I think it’ll be bigger than anyone expects. I’m afraid I won’t have the time to go there, what with the mine transfers and now Barista Brew”

“If you can’t go yourself, you could always just sponsor them.”

“What would you recommend?” Copperpot asked offhandedly.

A year immersed in dwarven business had my hackles up immediately at his tone. “Hmmm…. I think I’ll keep that to myself. And Whistlemop, I guess. Since giving him business lessons is part of our agreement. You’ve never heard of sponsorship?”

Copperpot ground his teeth. “Why would youtell that rainbow suited fop, but not me!?”

“It's a long story, but it all starts with a false moustache….” I began, regaling them with a completely falsified and embellished story of how I cornered and then kidnapped Whistlemop. There were more evil monsters and daring rescues and less hitting about the head and goat assaults in this version.

The story continued for a solid half-hour while we walked. The main reason for the tall tale was to help Annie calm down, and she eventually stopped jumping at every passerby. I trusted Copperpot when he said that being near him was the safest place to be. I’d seen what his gadgets and Abilities could do against the Stoneants.

I brought the story to a close as we approached the gnomish brewing warehouse. “And then Balin sacrificed himself by holding the temple up with his moustache.”

“While Whistlemop descended from the sky bedecked in rainbows with wings made of cloud and slew the ancient goat horror?” Copperpot said incredulously.

“And you rescued the fair dwarven maid with the perfect pink pleats and enormous breasts?” Annie finished, a faint sneer creeping into her tone.

“Aye. Oh look, we’re here!”

The warehouse was quite a bit more imposing at night, with all the lights off. Annie even took a step back, assassins clearly on her mind.

“No need to be concerned. We have guards.” Copperpot pointed to an occupied guard booth and a trio of armoured gnomes that gave a salute as they circled the building past us. “I’m not taking any chances with this. Now, come on inside.”

We followed Copperpot around the facility as he, frankly, showed off. All of his fermentation tanks were of my newer metal style, and he had twice our brewing capacity. Unlike most dwarven architecture, the warehouse was quite tall, and without all the workers it felt incredibly empty. It actually reminded me a lot of the old Beavermoose Brewery after all our workers had gone home and I was left alone filling out paperwork until 2AM.

“And these are our crates of wheat and erdroot.” Copperpot finished, pointing to a dozen enormous crates. Each one was the size of a carriage, and they were all pushed up against the wall next to a closed delivery bay. “They were delivered this evening in preparation for tomorrow. I didn’t want to delay things for even an instant.”

“I’m impressed, Copperpot.” Annie murmured. “You had a lot of faith in Pete that this was going to work out.”

“The world of business often requires some risk for the greatest reward. Pete was right that this enterprise is about a lot more than gold. Selling the first gnomish beer could cement the Pot name in history for all time.” Copperpot drew himself up proudly. “And it appears that it will pay off!”

“Who’s making your coffee?” I asked. “I don’t think Joejam has the capacity for this much.”

“One of our own cafes will handle it. We tore apart the dining room and there’s several hundred gallons of cold brew steeping in there at this very moment. They’re just down the block, so transport won’t be an issue.”

“Well Copperpot, you’ve got this all well in hand.” Annie spit on her hand and held out her beard. To Copperpot’s credit, he barely twitched as he reached out and shook. “May Aaron Bless our enterprise and Tiara bring us gold. Our Beards Are Joined, Our Words are One.”

“Our Beards are Joined, Our Words are One. It’s a pleasure doing business with you Madam Goldstone.”

Annie nodded, then shuddered. “Now, can we head back home? This place is giving me the creeps. Especially with Pete’s talk of assassins.”

“Next to Copperpot is the safest place in all of Minnova, Annie. Besides, if it makes you feel better, my [Minimap] will let me see anyone coming.” While speaking, I mentally toggled the map to track ‘people’ again. I normally kept it off because the bunched up population of Minnova made the map pretty much worthless. In a warehouse like this it would make anyone sneaking up on us pop out like a sore thumb. “See? We’re -“

Directly in front of us, four dots appeared inside the crates on my minimap.

*Bing!*

New Quest: Deadly Ambush Part 1/2

You’ve been ambushed! Defeat your attackers or live long enough for help to arrive!

Time Remaining: Variable

Attacker’s Slain: 0/4

Rewards: +0.2 Agility, +0.2 Perception

Do you accept?

Yes / No

My voice died as my heart jumped up and blocked my throat. I did my best to stay nonchalant as I accepted the quest, but couldn’t keep my voice from cracking as I continued, “- all good. I think Annie’s right that we should head home. Busy day tomorrow.” I backed up, frantically making throat cutting gestures at Annie and Copperpot.

Copperpot gave me a confused look, but Annie caught on almost immediately. She flung Copperpot over her shoulder in an attempt to run away. Before she could take more than a single step, the first crate burst open and a black clothed gnome covered in wheat dove at Copperpot with a dagger. Three more crates shattered and the nether broke loose.