Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 34: The Verdict Is In

Two hours later we were done with the entire nerve-wracking experience. Whistlemop got bandaged up, the admin team moved to the office, Penelope finally calmed down after her fourth drink, and everyone else got to racking stouts.

All three tanks of them.

My random percentage batch hadn’t turned out very good, and Penelope had spurned it after a single sip. The first two batches she’d drunk with glee, and the last batch of wheat-free coffee stout had been acceptable as well. If anything, she’d liked it more.

After the fiasco that had been her first drink we’d wrapped her up in blankets before continuing. She’d still kicked and bucked and gone ballistic, but the blanket had kept her from doing… that to anyone else. Poor Whistlemop. He was currently sipping hot tea in the corner of the office and twitching.

A collection of Thirsty Goat tankards sat on the table. Annie, Copperpot, and myself stood in a ring and examined them suspiciously. Unlike the Ass-Blaster Ale nobody was in a hurry to drink them.

“Is it because she’s a goat, or because the drink is dangerous?” Copperpot murmured.

“Goat.” Annie and I intoned at the same time.

Annie followed up, “Dad used [Check Quality] on it, so we know it’s safe to drink.”

Copperpot shook his head. “Pot Corporation has a lot of experience with that Ability. It’s not infallible. It'll tell you if it’s poisonous, but not if it’s dangerous. That requires an upgraded version.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.” Annie said in surprise.

“If you’ve only been using it to check the quality of your brew, you wouldn’t. We often try new teas from various dungeons around Erd, so we run into the Ability’s limits quite often,” Copperpot explained.

“It’s my recipe. I’ll do it.” I reached out for the wheat-free stout tankard.

Annie grabbed my hand. “Are you sure, Pete?” Her eyes bored into mine, the worry in them clear.

“I’ll be fine. If there’s one stat I’m proud of, it’s my vitality!” I squared my shoulders.

“Ah, you have it over twenty, at your young age? Good, good.” Copperpot smiled. “I’ve nearly maxed my intelligence. It’s most clear in my memory and when multitasking, though I still like my old notepads. It’s a habit..’

“Uh… sure.” I glanced at my character sheet. It was, in fact, only 19, though the [Blessed] condition was boosting it to 23 for the rest of the year.

Whistlemop stirred in the corner and shivered. “If he starts rolling his eyes and making squealing noises, I’m gone.”

Annie and Copperpot both took a step back.

“Relax, I have more self control than a goat!” I said in mock indignation.

They didn’t look convinced.

I lifted the beer to my nose and took a deep sniff. The scent of coffee mixed with the pungent earthy scent of dwarven brew filled my nostrils. It was sharp, but not unpleasant, and kind of reminded me of my favourite coffee stouts from back on Earth. There was a definite musk to it that came from being made with erdroot, and the foam on top was thicker than I was used to.

I dabbed a finger into the black bubbling liquid and gave it a lick; the stout tingled on my tongue, and had a caramelly aftertaste. That meant the calcium carbonate and acid rest had done their job. Stout could very easily become highly acidic, which would result in burnt tangy notes. The aftertones were closer to a nice french-roast or chocolate coffee bean. I’d need to take a full drink to really appreciate it though.

I raised my tankard in a toast. “For Crack and Minnova, and Gnomish Brew.” Then I took a big gulp.

The beer was smooth going down, with that thick, chewy feeling that came with a good stout. It lacked the creamy texture I associated with nitro-stouts like Guinness, but I would get to that eventually. The carbonation was definitely improved, and I was more than willing to give it an ‘acceptable’ rating. It wouldn’t be perfect until we had sealed tanks, but at least there was some fizz.

The taste was a mix between a cold-brew coffee with zero sugar, and the rancid flavour of True Brew. The nostalgia and yuck factor made for an interesting juxtaposition. Yuckstalgia, perhaps? Like a direct to Netflix version of my favourite childhood IP; it wasn’t vomit inducing, just a horrible mockery of everything I ever loved. I really hoped Copperpot found it acceptable. Because I didn’t.

Ah well, at least it was something new. Perhaps the wheat stouts would taste better, not that I was going to brave the runs by trying them. I’d leave that to Copperpot, or whichever grad student he sacrificed for science. Animal testing may not be allowed at the University, but in my experience grad testing was A-OK in every University of the multi-verse.

Other than that, there was nothing special about the drink.

“Penelope drank a significant amount before her… incident.” Copperpot theorized.

“Fiiiine, I’ll drink the whole thing.” I chugged the rest with a *glug*, *glug*, *glug* and was immediately greeted by a pair of notifications.

*Bing!*

Condition Gained: [Energized]!

You have gained the [Energized] Condition!

Your Perception and Agility are increased by 4 for the next hour.

Your Dexterity and Intelligence are decreased by 6 for the next hour.

*Bing!*

New Quest: More Brews Part 1/5!

Invent eight new drinks. Mixes don’t count.

Drinks Invented: 5/8

Rewards: +0.2 Strength.

I felt a sudden buzzing in my head, and almost pitched over as my neurons seized up while my body went into overdrive. I bleated. The colours in the room sharpened, and I was assaulted with stimuli. The lights were too bright, the sound of Whistlemop slamming the door behind him was too loud, and Annie’s touch on my shoulder was too hard.

“Pete, are you okay?” Annie screamed into my ear.

I shook my head to clear it. It was like drinking three red bulls after an all nighter. Then following it up with benzos and beer. “I’m fine. I got a Condition.”

“Truly? Excellent! Condition granting food can be quite valuable depending on the Condition and the stats affected.” Copperpot had his notepad at the ready. “Just making sure though, no sudden desire to enact horrific acts upon any nearby gnomes?”

I took a step in Copperpot’s direction, and gave my best zombie impression. "Braaaiiinns!"

Copperpot jotted a note. "Ah, so it impacts wisdom, and possibly intelligence. No wonder that goat went crazy; she likely dropped into the negatives."

Annie shook her head. "No, that's just what Pete's always like."

"Truly? You have my condolences."

I placed a hand to my heart. "Owch. The Condition is called [Energized]. It gives me a bonus four to perception and agility with a negative six to intelligence and dexterity."

"That's nearly identical to caffeine. Does it have a similar sensation?" Copperpot asked.

I put up a hand, then stared at it while flexing my fingers. "Aye. Hold on a tick, Caffeine affects stats? I've never noticed that on my sheet."

"Yes. One of the more important projects to come out of the University this millennium was the collation of so-called 'hidden stat adjustments'. Some drugs, diseases, or enchantments can impact your stats at a minimal, but noticeable, level. Caffeine increases perception and agility by roughly one to two points. Too much caffeine gives the same [Energized] Condition."

Annie added, "beer reduces wisdom, perception, and agility by one. Too much gives the [Drunk] Condition."

"Not that there's any amount a dwarf could consider 'too much'!" Copperpot jibed, and he and Annie laughed together.

I continued staring at my fingers. “Does it change your charisma?”

Copperpot snorted. “Just your perception of it! HAH!”

I looked around the room. There were so many colours. “Makes sense. Is the room vibrating for anyone else, or just me?”

Whistlemop stuck his head back through the door. "Is it safe?"

"Yes, come on in." Copperpot chuckled. “I don’t think he’s going to reenact the horrors of your earlier exotic experience.”

Whistlemop got comfortable on the sofa again. "It's not funny."

Copperpot gave a *phsaw* gesture. “It’ll be one of those stories you’ll tell in a century and laugh.”

Whistlemop glowered. “Oh, really? You’d look back on it and laugh?”

“No, I’d die of embarrassment.”

“Yearn take your soul to the Nether.”

“Now is NOT the time for this.” Annie grumbled. “Pete, how was it?”

I stuttered as my reduced dexterity made fine motor control difficult. “T-tastes fine. As fine as dwarven brew possibly can. This is actually the closest I’ve gotten to feeling b-b-b-buzzed since our opening party.” It was probably the best beer I’d had on Erd so far, not that that meant much. I was suddenly extremely glad this thing didn’t reduce wisdom, or I may have waxed poetically about Earth alcohol right there in front of the two gnomes.

Copperpot and Whistlemop eyed each other. Then Copperpot grabbed hold of one of the wheat stout tankards. “Well, the damn goat drank it, and if Pete was going to get any weird Conditions he would have already. No Pot will be called a coward; I’m going in!”

Then he tossed the tankard back and took an enormous gulp. He swished it around a few times, his cheeks bulging like some kind of beanied, mustachioed chipmunk. His eyes widened, and he lifted the tankard to stare at it. He swallowed, and gaped.

“It’s… marvelous! Pete, you’ve outdone yourself! I asked for something incredible and this is it!”

*Bing!*

New Quest: More Brews Part 1/5!

You’ve completed your first new beer. More! MORE!

Invent eight new drinks. Mixes don’t count.

Drinks Invented: 6/8

Rewards: +0.2 Strength.

“That good?” Whistlemop eyed another tankard critically.

“It’s amazing! It tastes like an extremely unique black coffee going down, but the carbonation gives it a body more similar to an espresso creme. It reminds me a bit of burnt caramel espresso, actually. The fizz is delightful, much better than any other True Brew I’ve tried. The taste is sour, but there’s just enough sweetness to take away the bitter flavour of whatever’s in there. ” He gave me a glance.

“I dunno. Only Jeremiah and Annie know what’s in the damn bittering agent.” My nose began twitching and I grabbed it with both hands then began furiously pawing at it. IT ITCHED!!

“Trade secret, even from subsidiaries. You’ll be provided with the necessary materials but not told what they are.” Annie said with practiced ease. “So, does it meet your standards?

In answer, Copperpot drained the rest of his tankard.

Annie and I gave each other triumphant smiles. Wow, she had a massive mole on her neck, how had I never noticed that before?

Copperpot popped open his notepad and took a few more notes. “No Condition for me, but I wasn’t expecting one.”

“Whazzat? Why?” I tripped a few times over my tongue.

Whistlemop spoke up as he sipped at his own tankard. “Gnomes are resistant to the effects of stimulants.”

“Yes, we have a more developed endocrine system than other races. Some consider us… twitchy, and high energy, but it reduces the effect of things like caffeine. I’d put this beer at roughly equal to…. a quadruple espresso. Depending on cost, it may be a very efficient way of getting blitzed.”

“For the dwarves in the back, that means an energy high.” Whistlemop took a bigger gulp. “Oooh, this is pleasant. I think it needs a bit of cream though.”

I choked. That idea was going to need to die in committee.

“Or some lemon?” Copperpot nodded. “I can test it. But this is a truly excellent base.”

“Sooooo?” Annie and I leaned forward.

Copperpot twitched his moustache. “Can you do the same with tea?”

“Possibly. It’ll take more time though.” That was true. It was also true that the answer was absolutely yes. Tea usually tasted better in a porter than a stout, though. Thankfully the burnt umber erdroot seemed to be dark enough that if I could get it properly malted it might make a good porter. I wouldn’t know until I tried though, and four test vessels just wasn’t enough.

“You have a deal!” Copperpot held out his hand. Whistlemop tried to put his hand in as well, but Copperpot shoved him aside. “To our partnership, and the first Gnomish Brew!”

“For Crack and Minnova!” Annie declared.

I shook Copperpot’s hand. “For Beer!”

The other three gave each other amused glances, then shouted in unison. “FOR BEER!”