Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 27: Tell All

Several hours and four full fermentation tanks of black stout later, I was ready to call it a night.

I cupped my hands to my mouth and called, “Alright everyone, great work! We’ll be back on regular brewing duty tomorrow, so get a good rest.”

Johnsson stretched and popped his back, his single long braided ponytail swaying between his shoulder blades. His skin shone under the bright light of the Solstones, slick with sweat and steam. He’d taken his shirt off a while back, and I hadn’t had the heart to tell him to put it back on for hygiene. It could get hot standing over the open boil kettle for hours. “Agh! I can’t believe I originally thought bringing you and Balin on as workers would mean I’d be stirring less,” he complained.

Emma and Zirce gave him thirsty glances. Emma muttered under her breath. “Oh, you’re stirring alright.” Zirce giggled.

Moony and Markus nodded at me as they trooped out. Richter decamped next, forcing a promise out of me to meet him at the library for studies tomorrow morning. Johnsson and Emma and Zirce left last, announcing that they were all headed to the guild beer garden. They invited me, but I declined.

I basked in the sweet silence. The pub was going to stay closed until tomorrow, so I had an evening to myself. Maybe I could spend it brushing Penelope; we could use some ‘us’ time. She was probably napping in her bed in the office, so I wandered in that direction.

Honestly, I could use some ‘me’ time too. My head was getting as tangled as my heart these days. A jaunt to the beardy parlour or some time in a recreational mine sounded good. Or I could head to the library and read one of the two books that weren’t a history book, academic journal, or magic textbook.

As I approached the office, I could hear shouting. There was a large glass window overlooking the brewroom, so I ducked around some fermentation tanks to approach from the side.

I sidled up beside the office door and peeked inside; it was Annie and Aqua. They were arguing over some of the costs I’d incurred with my experimenting. I’d wanted to use my own cash, but Annie had insisted that we keep 'my clan’ funds separate from ‘work’ funds. As a result, we’d earmarked a somewhat large percentage of the Ass-Blaster sales for my slush fund.

Aqua tugged at her blue beard. “Annie, even ignoring cost, there’s no guarantee these new beers will even pan out! Why not just use the witbier or whatever Pete called it and take it slow? Thay should get us a lot of gnomish business on its own. We don’t need the Pots.”

Annie gesticulated at a calendar on the wall. “There’s not enough time Aqua, we’ve only got until the end of the month!”

“We don’t need to get into the competition!!”

“Oh come on, you can’t tell me you don’t want to go to the capital!”

Aqua seemed close to tears. “I DO, but I don’t want to sacrifice the success we’ve found to do it! All these new tanks and ingredients are emptying the coffers as fast as we can fill them! I just… I don’t understand how you have so much faith! Nobody’s ever made anything like this before, it may be awful! I - I - I - I, Tiara’s Teats, I don’t want to go back to that time, Annie!”

Annie’s face was drawn and haggard. “Aqua, I - “

I put my head in through the door. “Annie? Aqua?”

The pair turned to face me, and Aqua flushed.

“Hey Pete,” they stammered in unison.

I sighed. It was time to come clean.

“Annie, I’m going to tell Aqua.”

“Are you sure, Pete?” Annie asked, looking worriedly between the two of us.

“Yeah. We owe it to her, and I can’t keep asking you to keep it a secret. Come on Aqua, let’s go to Joejam’s and chat.”

I spun on my heel and headed out, with Aqua running after a moment later.

“Why Joejams? What’s going on??”

“I’m going to tell you everything.”

Aqua’s red rimmed face brightened. “Wait - you mean - everything!?”

I smirked. “Yeah. You see, I’ve got this mole on my butt that -“

She moaned. “Gods, not everything.”

—

Joejam’s was always quiet at this time of the day. Most of the populace was eating dinner or finishing work, so only a few gnomes trickled by us as we sat and nursed our drinks. I wasn’t really in the mood for coffee after dealing with kegs and kegs of it. Instead, I was sipping from a nice cup of Gnomish Breakfast, and Aqua was doing the dwarven ‘beer in a teacup’ thing.

Penelope sat contentedly beside us, munching on some unigoat snacks of Joejam’s design. We’d brought her along at the last minute to give her some exercise. All the beer and exquisite food had been plumping her up, and we had zero interest in eating her. On that note… maybe we could have done without the goat snacks.

*Meeeeeeh* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Ah, this is delicious. I shall deign to give my pardon to the short, insolent one.”

I absentmindedly rubbed her neck and she leaned over for horn scritchies.

*Maaaaaaaa…* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “Yes, right there, dwarfservant!”

Aqua took a sip of her beer and smacked her lips with an *aaaah*. “So… it’s time to talk?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

“About everything.’”

“Yep.”

“Everything is a big word.”

I smirked. “I think what I have to say qualifies as big.”

Aqua held out her hands like a fisherman showing off the fish that got away. “Like, giant big, building big, city big?”

“Hmmmm… I’m thinking like… Pinnacle big.” I made a gesture indicating the size of the heavenly mountain.

Aqua scoffed. “Hah! Come on Pete, just because you believe it -”

“Doesn’t mean it’s true, yes, yes, I know. To be clear though, I want to know what’s going on with your dad, Tom. I still never see him around, and going through that audit made it very clear that I am still paying him. So, trade?”

Aqua’s eyes grew distant and her lips drew to a line. “No, you’re right, there’s no reason you shouldn’t know at this point. Everyone’s been keeping it a secret to… well to protect dad, I guess, and me too.”

“Alright then. I’d be happy to start,” I said.

Aqua brushed her hand across her forehead. “Phew! Good! I really didn’t want to go first.”

I sat back nonchalantly and began. “Okay, here’s the deal. I’m a human from another world, where I was a master brewer and vintner. I died, and my soul was brought here by Barck to be his Chosen Catalyst for change in the world. I’ve been tasked by him to revolutionize the brewing industry of the dwarves, and I’ve made it my personal mission to save beer. The True Brew is only one of a million different ways to brew, and I’m going to ensure that all the races around the world get to try the greatness that is a craft beer. I have a quest to make a million dwarves drink my brews, and I think… yes, I think I’m going to aim to eventually put Thirsty Goat beer in every city on Erd. There are several other ‘Chosen Catalysts’ of the Gods out there right now, all trying to change the world in their own way.”

Aqua blinked, then she chuckled. “Okay, I need to know how you got that past [Truespeech], that’s a neat trick. Do you have a lying [Ability]?”

I did, [White Lie], but nobody needed to know that. “I was telling the truth, Aqua. My name was Peter Phillips, and I was from a country called Canada on a world called Earth. We had no magic, and no Gods, and the only race was humans. I reincarnated in the body of Peter Samson here on Erd when he died in the mine. I think that makes me some kind of undead? Urrrrrr Braaaiiiinnnss!!!” I held my arms up and lurched across the table at her.

Aqua’s face went from laughing, to incredulity, to outright horror.

“You’re mad!” She said in a fearful whisper. “There’s no way that’s true.”

I sipped tea. “It is. I spoke with Barck personally.”

Aqua brought her beer up to her lips with a shaking hand and stared into the cup. Then she took a sip and choked.

I stood up and patted her back with worry. “It’s a lot to take in.”

“A LOT TO TAKE IN!?” She waved me back to my seat. “I’m fine, I’m fine. I… I…”

Then she began to laugh.

“Gods, it’s ridiculous! I’ve been wondering what on Erd it could be, and it wasn’t even on Erd in the first place! Hah! Not even in my wildest dreams!” Her peals of laughter rose until she was reduced to a coughing fit. “*Cough* *Cough* A-hah! It explains so much. And I was wondering what could make Annie jump head first down a dive like that! I figured it would take the Gods themselves to come between us, and it turns out that it did!”

I pulled my beard uncomfortably. “I… uh, I really didn’t intend to come between the two of you.”

She waved me away and wiped at the edges of her eyes. “It’s fine. With Balin in the picture our rosy days as sisters were numbered anyway. I’m just glad that it was something, as you said, so big.”

It was my turn to choke. “Was that a reference to Balin’s -”

“You have a dirty mind,” Aqua snapped. “I’m having emotions here, don’t ruin it!”

Penelope shuffled closer to my shins and laid her head on my steel-shod boot.

*Meeeeeh* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “I always knew you were out of this world.’

I gave her scritchies. “Aww, thanks Penelope.”

"Balin and Annie already know all this? Anyone else?" Aqua asked after a moment.

"Ack-shually, Balin and Annie only really know the reincarnated bit. You're the first I've outright told about being Chosen. Balin and Annie are a bit fuzzy on the exact details of that aspect."

"Really!? Why?"

"I didn't think Annie needed the stress of having a God's beer champion in her brewery. I was worried it'd make her…" I trailed off, looking for the right words.

"Second guess herself? Yeah, Annie might do that… but, I really don't want to have secrets between us again, Pete. You should tell her."

"Aye… and I should really fill Balin in too."

I was still keeping the competition and the Great Game under wraps, though. That was an added level of stress that nobody needed right now. Besides, the only other Chosen Catalyst around was on our side.

Then Aqua groaned. “Gods, I owe Richter ten gold!”

I paused. “Why?”

“He bet that you were some kind of special reincarnated soul, or that the Gods had done something to you. He’s reading a bunch of history books with Bran to see if there's any precedence.”

“He WHAT!?”

Aqua rolled her eyes. “You’re not exactly subtle, Pete. I just thought you were like Annie, you know, a bit obsessed with brewing and cracked in the spirit.”

“Now, that’s not nice.”

“You did that weird dance at Berry’s last concert!”

“It’s called moonwalking,and it’s not my fault that it’s so hard to do with these short stubby legs!”

“What does the moon have to do with -” She stopped mid sentence and her eyes grew wide. “BERRY! You knew her songs! SHE KNOWS YOUR HOMETOWN! She’s like YOU!?”

I nodded smugly.

Aqua sat back in her chain with a whoof. “And the reason that Annie’s been so sure about your brews is because they aren’t new, you’ve made them before.”

“Yup!”

“How… how many different brews do you know? Wait, no, what was your world like!”

We spent the next few hours talking about my previous life. Aqua was fascinated to hear about our technology, our culture, our politics, et cetera. I could probably talk for a whole day and she wouldn’t get bored of it.

Although she was most interested in the different types of music.

“If I ask, do you think Berry would be willing to sing some of that ‘country’ music?” She asked with excitement.

I shook my head. “I give it 50/50 she says yes or tries to off both of us to ensure nobody on Erd knows it exists.”

“Why?”

“It’s a long story, fraught with unimaginable, unspeakable horrors, like Toby Keith and Jason Aldean.”

“I don’t understand... Oh, Gods, no, I do understand. You’re making jokes. References. That’s what you’ve been doing all this time! I thought…” Aqua paused, then patted me on the arm. “You do you. We all think you’re great.”

“Uh, what did you used to think?”

Aqua stood and brushed off her silver chain-link bodice. “We should go meet my dad now.”

“What did you think?”

Aqua ignored me and walked out of the shop, humming Raspberry Syrup’s cover of Avril Lavigne’s hit single that she’d titled “Miner Boy”.

I hopped up and followed after, Penelope bleating in pursuit.

“WHAT DID YOU THINK??”