Transformation or Death

Chapter 52

Call My Name (3)

As human beings influenced by the starlight, Han Jae-jung and Baek Ah-hee recovered quickly.  

For injuries that would normally require others to stay in the hospital for a few weeks, or even months in severe cases, they only needed a few days until they could be discharged.

During those days in the hospital, Baek Ah-hee only engaged in light chatter with Han Jae-jung, never attempting to delve deeper. 

In the end, up until the day she was discharged, she never asked about his true identity.

As she wrapped a scarf around her neck, Baek Ah-hee said, “Lately, there seem to be quite a few people exposed to the starlight, so people with healing abilities like you, Han Jae-jung, aren’t that rare. That’s a relief. No suspicious government agencies will take you away for physical examinations. Haha…”

It was an odd gaze and awkward laugh. Anyone could tell she was hiding something, emanating a suspicious expression. 

“…Ah, yes. That is good news.”

Han Jae-jung coldly looked at her before reluctantly responding. In that brief silence, he had pondered whether to sigh or click his tongue before answering.

‘I really need to keep my mouth shut.’

For now, Baek Ah-hee was acting as if she didn’t know Han Jae-jung’s true identity.

However, her ability to keep secrets was quite poor. 

Whether she wanted to tease him or simply couldn’t contain her excitement and had to express it outwardly somehow.

‘Whatever it is, it’s not great for me.’  

Han Jae-jung tapped the ground with the crutch he still couldn’t put down, issuing a warning.

“Listen, Ms. Vega.”

“You’re really not going to stop calling me that?”

“Don’t you think maintaining a certain distance from people is necessary? Why, I think this level of familiarity is good.”

“Distance…?”

After staring at him for a moment, Baek Ah-hee soon lowered her head and stroked her belly with a worried hand.

“Did we… Not have enough distance?”  

“Oh, come on.”

Han Jae-jung inwardly swallowed a curse. Of course, it was a curse directed at himself. The victim has the legitimate right to wield the offender’s sin like a weapon.

‘Yeah, I’m a bastard. I’m the bastard. Ugh, damn it.’

Holding back his anger, he corrected himself.

“To be honest, I don’t really want to become personally close with you, Ms. Vega.”  

“What?! Why not!”

She had originally thought it would be fine to get closer.

She had wanted to take care of the magical girl by her side and avoid the conclusion of the world’s destruction.

But there were a few downsides to this.

“Because it’s deception.”

One issue was his true identity. Even if his goal was to protect the magical girls, his transformed appearance was the very cause of their suffering.  

No matter how heroically he acted, it would shake their position and support, which was a problem.

But if he completely hid his heroic side and pretended to be a villain on the outside, that would only cause them immense stress.

There was no answer to this.

The moment an answer was found, it created another problem in an endless cycle. 

Like the rising sun and setting moon, his identity as neither a demon nor human was fundamentally the cause of their suffering.

Therefore, hiding his identity and getting close to the magical girls was deception. Meeting an acquaintance without memories was deception in another sense.

Of course, this was merely an explicit reason.    

“Also, it’s a personal issue for me. If I get close to people like you, I can’t avoid attracting attention.”

He couldn’t forget the curious, inquisitive gazes of the medical staff whenever Baek Ah-hee visited during his hospitalization. 

Their eyes chasing intriguing gossip resembled the hungry gaze of a predator lusting after meat.

While this hospital specialized in managing magical girls and wouldn’t actively dig into or leak private matters, other places would certainly try.  

It was beyond uncomfortable – it was revolting, and more than revolting, it was terrifying. For him, being exposed to the gaze of others meant that.

At least when he was transformed, it was better. His whole body was covered, and even his speech and movements differed slightly, so no one could imagine it was him inside.  

But enduring that with his own body as Han Jae-jung was still difficult. 

The gaze of others was still dreadful. 

The feeling of rejection welling up from deep inside resembled that of a magnet.

No matter how hard you tried to force opposite poles together, they would eventually repel and move apart. 

Trauma resembles fear but is different. 

If fear is a momentary tremor, then trauma is an old, ingrained scar.

A mental injury.  

Just as you can’t berate someone who lost their sense of smell for not being able to smell, trauma is a mental disability and defect.

It is something to be overcome, but not in a single moment.  

“…Is it that serious?”

Baek Ah-hee asked with concern. Han Jae-jung did not take any particular action.  

“Then, then we can just meet more secretly!”  

“And what will you do if we get caught later? You’re still young, so look for another guy instead of an old man like me.”

“Age doesn’t matter when people become friends. Plus, the age gap between us isn’t that big.”  

“There is a gap in our appearances.”  

Han Jae-jung turned his head to study his own reflection in the window.

His beard was shaggy, and his hair was long enough to be called long hair. 

He resembled the homeless people or famous performance artists frequently seen in subways or parks. 

No matter what profession others assumed he had after seeing him, the assumption that he was still in his mid-twenties would never cross their minds.

“But…that’s…!”  

Even Baek Ah-hee couldn’t deny it.  

“But that’s only because you haven’t cut your hair and beard, Jae-jung! I understand not getting a haircut, but you had plenty of opportunities to shave while you were in the hospital. Why haven’t you trimmed it yet?”  

What she said was not wrong. Anyone living in society would take care of their appearance no matter how busy, especially a man in his twenties who could still take pride in his looks.  

Han Jae-jung’s answer to her question was simple.

“For winter…preparation?”

“…Huh?” 

Stroking his considerably grown beard with satisfaction, he continued his explanation.

“It gets cold in the winter, doesn’t it?”

“Yes…?”

“Look at the animals in high latitudes. They all have fluffy fur, right? They evolved that way to endure the cold. So this is my own evolutionary process.”

While other parts can be covered by clothing, the face is difficult to protect.  Even the clothes provide little warmth, making it hard to withstand the cold.

This is how poverty brings such hardship.

“Just protecting your head can help you spend the winter much warmer.”

“That’s just an excuse! I’ll buy you a hat and coat. Please tidy up that dirty look!”

“Di…rty…?”

Han Jae-jung checked his reflection in the window again. It didn’t look particularly dirty to him.

“To be honest, I kind of like the vibe of looking like a man in his forties.”  

“What’s there to be happy about a guy in his twenties being called middle-aged! Twenty more years have been added to your age!”

Baek Ah-hee rummaged through her bag and took out her wallet. From the wallet, she pulled out some bills and held them out.

“Here, use this!”

“…Huh?”

Han Jae-jung backed away in confusion, but she kept pushing the bills towards his face. Due to their height difference, she had to raise her arm quite high.

“Use this to get a haircut and shave! If you’re so satisfied with your face, show it off a bit! Don’t hide it!”

So this is what it feels like to receive charity from a young child. Han Jae-jung marveled at how low his life had sunk.

“Hey, even so, taking your money to do that is…”

“You already used my money for the hospital room, so why bring it up now?”

She was right. Han Jae-jung nodded.

“Don’t you think it’s strange to walk around looking so conspicuous when you said you don’t like attracting attention?”

“…!”

It was a perspective he had not considered. Han Jae-jung was amazed. 

Like a bolt of lightning, the blade of language struck his mind, severing the endless path of excuses.

It was a sharp and refreshing admonition, like a king’s strike cutting the Gordian knot.

“Right? I have another consultation in a week, so come looking presentable then.”

A slip of paper was placed on the dazed Han Jae-jung’s hand. She moved his fingers to make him grip the bills, lest they fly away. His fist gently held a few crinkled bills.

Evidence that she had sweated and toiled at her age. Proof of her labor and efforts.

Baek Ah-hee smiled as she placed her hand over his fist.

“Got it? Come back looking handsome enough to make every woman in the world fall for you, okay?”

“What if you end up falling for me, Ms. Vega?”  

“Then you’ll be the one getting taken away, Jae-jung.”

Han Jae-jung gave a small smile.

“Yes. Then I’ll be so charming that I could seduce every woman in the world, but just shy of making Ms Vega fall for me.”

“You understood me perfectly! Oh, right, did you hear the counseling building changed? Don’t be late by getting lost!” 

“Of course.”

Baek Ah-hee waved and dashed off, and once she was a reasonable distance away, she turned back to him, nodding her head slightly. Then she dashed off again, this time walking backwards while continuing to wave.

What a busy farewell.

Han Jae-jung waved back at her.  

Like a ship disappearing over the horizon, the girl’s figure gradually vanished into the busy world of the city.

Watching her retreating figure, Han Jae-jung felt an inexplicable pang in his heart.

‘I really should clean up this sloppy appearance…’  

He looked again at his reflection in the window glass.

His unkempt appearance showed a lack of basic grooming. Those who saw him would likely find it strange and avoid him, while simultaneously not even trying to see the person beneath this face.  

Almost no one remembers the dating rumor about Blue Sirius anymore. Even the former cyber investigators who fueled that scandal would have a hard time connecting him to that past incident when they saw him now.    

Like most controversial topics, it was forgotten over time. This dating rumor dissipated even faster than most, as the public’s attention quickly scattered and evaporated.  

This was because Sirius’s conduct was so upright, and the investigation revealed she had done nothing wrong.

Of course, most of those circumstances were fabricated by Han Jae-jung himself.  

In exchange for the public sympathy towards Blue Sirius, hostile public opinion arose against Han Jae-jung.

He even encountered people who barged into his home hurling insults, some even brandishing weapons. He received countless private messages demanding nude photos of the magical girl, and even more extreme requests.

It was a time when Han Jae-jung fell to become society’s garbage, becoming disconnected from society.  

He no longer grooms himself, unconsciously unable to feel the need. For him, the desire to belong to society had long since disappeared.

He forgot the memories but the pain was eternal. Even without the memories, the pain alone was enough to control his behavior.  

He let his hair grow shaggy and didn’t shave. Of course, he maintained basic hygiene to avoid odors and itchiness, but that was it.  

It was a roundabout way of expressing that he had cut himself off from society and intended to remain that way – an expression of the self that even he took a while to realize the meaning of.

Han Jae-jung stroked his beard, feeling its coarse texture.

He doesn’t want to become close to the magical girl. Because of the deception, lack of memories, and aversion to drawing attention.  

But then when would be the right time to get close to someone?

When could he show his face openly to old acquaintances again? 

When would this aversion to others’ gaze disappear?

All were problems with no answers.  

Would he hastily rush out to people once he reached his limit of making excuses while waiting to become perfect?

By constantly postponing opportunities and repeating refusal and distance, would he really get closer to perfection?  

Would that day of perfection ever even come?

And even if the day came when he was perfectly prepared, how many people would still be around to approach him? If he approached them, could he ever turn back?

Han Jae-jung let out a deep sigh. His head hurt.

He didn’t know how to change, but he felt the need to change.  

He knew the easiest way.  

Changing one’s outward appearance is far simpler than changing the inner self.

For the first step, he decided to follow his counselor’s advice.  

Han Jae-jung went to the bank.

The money Baek Ah-hee had given him, he put into a donation box. From the bank account he had long forgotten about, he withdrew a small amount of cash.  

It was the account Seol-hwa had sent money to. Han Jae-jung didn’t consider this money his own. Whatever her guilt, this was money he didn’t deserve.

So this act was theft, a loan – these bundles of cash clutched in his hand were all debt.  

A debt that had to be repaid someday.  

Sin incurs an obligation of atonement, debt an obligation of repayment.  

No matter how much you avoid it, the duty you shoulder must eventually be faced.  

Yoon Seol-hwa.

This was the pretext created for him to reconnect with her.

Han Jae-jung wanted to give himself this obligation to meet her again someday, and repay the debt while able to face her.  

He left the bank and set off.  

His destination was, naturally, the barber shop.

***

Ippotranslation

***

Baek Ah-hee arrived early at the counseling office, her steps filled with excitement.  

He was always there first while she came late, but this time it was reversed.

“Ribbon, what kind of hairstyle will it be?”

[I wonder… with pomade?]

“Have a little more enthusiasm! This is the day that Jae-jung is coming back transformed!”

She waited excitedly for the door to open. 

[You don’t doubt he’ll have cut his hair?]

“Of course not.”

Five minutes before the appointed time, the door opened.  

“You have to start by believing in things like this if you want to believe in everything.”

Baek Ah-hee’s eyes widened at the sight of the man who entered.

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