Tomodachi no Imouto ga Ore ni Dake Uzai

Volume 5, Chapter 1: Oh right, My Cousin is My Fake Girlfriend

To start things off, I’d like to state that I not once forgot about my fake lovers relationship with Mashiro. If this was a romcom, we’d be like we were right now, not doing anything like lovers, and yet somehow wrapped up in various sweet and romantic situations. However, no such events ever happened, and there is a solid reason for that.

Whereas in any normal series, a serious confession would happen after roughly ten volumes (or according to my experience probably at the end of volume one, or two with an explosive timing), equaling to a few months later in the story itself, it came abruptly here in reality, making it rather awkward to act lovey-dovey.

Think about it. Going on the aggressive to act as a lover towards someone who actually loves me for real, that would be the worst. That’s why…well, we were only fake lovers on a written record. On the outside, you really weren’t able to tell.

“…Let me be straightforward, Akiteru-kun, Mashiro. Are you actually acting as a fake couple?”

We were sitting at my apartment’s dining table. Mashiro and me sat next to each other, facing President Tsukinomori. It felt like we were questioned at a police box for a crime we were suspects for. Enjoying the scent and taste of a summer coffee (that I had gotten into as of late), the president asked those words with a straight ball.

“At the very least, our classmates think that we are a couple.” I argued.

“Y-Yeah. We’re…deceiving them…?” Mashiro chimed in, awkwardly.

“I see. Then, specifically what kind of acting have you been doing as of late.”

“S-Specifically…Well…normal things…” Mashiro stuttered.

“Normal things, such as?”

“Ugh…”

Unable to stand the pressure coming from President Tsukinomori, Mashiro swallowed her words and cast her face down. So that she could live independently, Mashiro agreed to this fake lovers relationship. Just as me, she must be desperate to not break this promise with her father. She herself had to be careful, because saying that she fell in love with me, and confessed on top of that…It would clearly be a breaking of that promise.

“Don’t assume that such a vague answer will satisfy me. I am one of the most important people leading a world-wide business, so I have an eye for when people try to deceive me, you know?”

“Urk…”

Trying to cover it up with any half-baked excuses won’t work, it seems. Realizing this, I made up my resolve, and softly poked at Mashiro’s side.

“…Mashiro.”

“…Eh. Um. W-What?”

“We have no other option.”

“Eh?”

“We have to get serious to satisfy Oji-san…So we’ll be going ahead at full force.”

“…! Y-Yeah. Okay. It…can’t helped after all.”

Mashiro and I exchanged glances and quiet words so that President Tsukinomori couldn’t hear us. Though we didn’t practice anything beforehand, Mashiro and I spent quite some time together. We’ve gotten closer through that. What are couples even doing nowadays? Either way, the world Mashiro and I are seeing—is the same! With great momentum, I raised my right arm, and Mashiro followed suit after watching me.

“I’m Akiteru.”

“M-Mashiro.”

““Short fake date: ‘Summer Festival’””

What is this, a comedy skit? Also, well done on playing along there, Mashiro. Good girl. Of course, there’s many things I’d like to retort on, but we can only pull along with momentum, or we’ll fully lose it.

“Mashiro, today, there’s this summer festival…”

“Y-Yeah, Mashiro knows.”

“W-Why don’t we walk around the stalls? With the most efficient route.”

“Eh, but, Mashiro hates crowds.”

“Ah, I-I see, then should we go home?”

“Y-Yeah, Mashiro would rather…spend time with you…at home…”

“Cuuuuuuuuuuut!!! Are you two even motivated?!” President Tsukinomori, no, the director got angry at us.

This was like the main performance with no rehearsal, done by amateurs, so I wish he could be a bit more considerate, really.

“You’re trying to convince all those cheery peeps enjoying their youth with such acting? If you don’t get your act together, the big three NTR delinquents of your school are going to lock onto Mashiro without a moment’s delay, and then it’ll be a clear bed-in!”

“Could you not blurt such disgusting things right in my face?”

“Mashiro is sorry for her dad, Aki.”

“Zip it. The only words you two are allowed to use are ‘Lovey-dovey’ and ‘Flirting’!”

“How unreasonable…”

My head started to hurt from the lack of IQ in his words. That being said, President Tsukinomori did seem genuinely serious, and this is an important topic related to being employed in the near future, so I have to put up with this.

“I hope I’m wrong, but the reason you hold back on acting like an actual couple isn’t because Akiteru-kun got himself an actual girlfriend, right?”

“…Huh?!”

“…?!”

With this unexpected question of his, I was dumbfounded. Did he find out about Iroha? No, it’s not like she’s my girlfriend to begin with. Quite the move of him to barge into my place and then just assume things without any definite proof. But, either way, we have to calmly work through this. So that we show no hints on our face or act—

“Actual girlfriend…Aki’s actual girlfriend…? Actual…girlfriend…!!!”

Mashiroooooo?! I can see it! I can see all the hints right there! Also, what are you angry for? You should know that I don’t even have somebody like that. Is she jealous towards an imaginary actual girlfriend…?!

“Aki, let’s do this. Being lovey-dovey for real.”

“Wait, calm down. There’s no way to go along with Oji-san’s provocation—”

“We. Are. Doing. This. Okay?”

“Yesh…”

The pressure coming from Mashiro left me unable to find any rebuttal. Why is she always acting like a weakling in class, when she can be this forcefully in front of me…Well, if she’s motivated, then I have no room to complain. I gave her a gaze showing my consent, to which she nodded with a serious expression I had never seen such concentration her face before. She took a deep breath, and then, it began.

“Akiii ? Today’s a special day, so would you listen to Mashiro’s request?”

“AHAHA. Of course☆ Whatever your heart desires.”

“You know, there’s lots of people at the shrine during the summer festival, so could you maybe slaughter all of them for Mashiro ? ?”

“That is a bit too grotesque for my tastes, AHAHA!”

“And then, and then, there’s also many different stalls, so Mashiro wants to eat lots ?”

“My, you glutton. But, watching you eat happily makes me feel all warm inside as well~”

“Don’t say that~ Mashiro is working hard everyday to become more beautiful for you ?”

“My Baby, you have some cotton glued to your cheek ☆”

“My sweet darling, I want you to wipe it away with your lips ?”

—Seriously, what in the world are we doing…I feel like we’ve been blurting out nonsense and weird phrases left and right, but my brain stopped thinking about half-way through. After this short exchange, both Mashiro and I stopped, and time came to a halt. All we could do was wait for President Tsukinomori’s reaction…

“Very well. You pass.”

“Alright!!”

“Nice one, Aki!”

We clapped our elbows together, and celebrated our victory. Still, to think that we managed to deceive him with just this. I guess he wasn’t that big of a roadblock after all—

“—By the way, this might be a quick change of topic, but there’s the scent of a woman lingering in this room.”

“…?!”

A moment of relaxation on my end led to a decisive strike directly through my opening. Is this his actual skill?! A skill befitting a company president?! Well, not the time to appreciate that, I guess.

“I-I mean, Mashiro is right here. Of course she would bring in that smell, right?”

“No, not quite. This is the scent of a woman besides Mashiro. There is no way that I would mistaken the scent of my treasured possession, my beloved Mashiro, you know?”

“Eh, that’s actually disgusting. Not just weird, but straight-up disgusting.”

“Mashiro…I told you that this vocabulary is a certain-kill technique for a middle-aged man, right…”

Apparently, being called disgusting by the daughter he loves so much has left quite the wound. I honestly feel like there couldn’t have been any better situation for that word, but I’ll refrain from saying that.

“A-Anyway! There is another scent of a woman mixed in this here! Akiteru-kun, you didn’t bring anyone with you here, right?!”

“I-I-I would never. Y-You know how unpopular I am, right?”

“Hm…Correct. I can still pick up the dense and dripping smell of virginity coming from you…”

“Aren’t you going a bit too far now?”

Whenever something is plaguing President Tsukinomori, his words just keep crossing the line more and more. That’s exactly why your daughter doesn’t like you, okay?

“Mmm…Hm? Wait a moment, there is something weird about this, Akiteru-kun.”

“W-What is it now? I think you’ve thrown enough accusations at me…”

“Where is the cat you kept? I can’t find that munchkin cat anywhere.”

—Oh yeah, there was a setting like that! Quite some time ago, when I was on a call with President Tsukinomori, Iroha kept annoying me to the level where he started getting suspicious, so I had to make up a lie like that, and now it’s coming back to haunt me! Also, that lie would have been found out if he came visit me the day after! It’s been three months now, I’m such an idiot!

“I…I happened to get allergic to cats, so I had to give her away, sadly.”

“Oho? In such a short period?”

“A lot can happen in three months…”

For example, get confessed to by Mashiro…Finding cuteness in Iroha’s annoying behaviour…and all that…

“This sounds like a dry excuse to me…but I shall let that slip.” President Tsukinomori ran his fingers along his glorious moustache.

Maybe because of our acting just now, or even because he got tired of it altogether, he didn’t pursue this topic any further. He gazed into the distance with a serious expression.

“All I want is for Mashiro to not go through any more traumatic experiences at school. If you say that you can do just that, then I’ll leave it at that.”

“Dad…”

“If Akiteru-kun were to get along with another girl besides Mashiro…and, if other classmates were to find out about that…Not to mention the possibility of them acting nice towards Mashiro because of ill-intent…She would end up as a woman who has lost her man through NTR! All those NTR bastards and delinquents will use that chance, and make her a rotten woman!”

“None of that will happen, ever.”

…Right? I’m not too informed with this stuff, so I wouldn’t know.

“Yeah, that makes sense. NTR’ing delinquents are the essence of evil.”

“Mashiro…why are you agreeing with him there?”

“Flashy men, party-goers, delinquents…they are the greatest trash of this world…Not like Mashiro ever talked to them in reality.”

“Then don’t just decide that on your own…”

What if there are normal, stoic guys who just work on their pick-up techniques, visit the gym every day for two hours at least, pepping up their bodies through ridiculous methods, always stylish, looking up famous date spots or restaurants, and preparing themselves to properly escort a lady? Well, if they still aim to steal another person’s lover, then that doesn’t make them any better though.

Anyway, although President Tsukinomori’s choice of words and ideals are a bit questionable, I can see that he’s treasuring his daughter. And, thinking about the true goal of this, Mashiro and I have been lacking severe efforts as of late.

“Did you understand the importance of this fake lovers relationship?” President Tsukinomori asked.

“…Yes.” Mashiro muttered.

“That’s all I wanted to hear. Also, the coffee was delicious, thank you very much.” He grinned with a satisfied gaze and a warm smile, as he stood up.

“Ah, are you going home already?”

“Yeah. I just had to ask you about a few things that bugged me, but it seems like you’re not showing any tail for me today.”

“Ha, hahahaha. What are you saying, that makes it sound like I’m hiding something.”

“Ha ha ha, excuse me, that was uncalled for. Once you become an adult, you just start doubting everything, see. But, one last thing…” With a smile, he put on his shoes at the entrance, and turned around one last time as he had his hand on the doorknob. “—Give my regards to Kohinata-san, if you would.”

“Huh?”

My head went blank. Why…would he say that name…right then and there?

“Oh, what happened, Akiteru-kun? Didn’t we all eat hot pot together a while back? You’re neighbours, aren’t you? With Kohinata-san…or, should I call her President Amachi instead?”

“Eh…A-Ahhh, President Amachi! From Tenchidou! I will gladly do so!”

“Please do. Now then, adios~” President Tsukinomori pompously waved his hand, and stepped out of my apartment for good this time.

I could only watch him off in a daze. The second I heard the door close, I felt my heart racing. What was that just now? I feel like he was clearly onto something.

“This has turned pretty troublesome…” I called out to Mashiro with a sigh.

“…So Iroha-chan was here a while ago?”

“Eh. Yeah, well, yeah. It’s like her routine to always sneak in here without my consent.”

“Hmm, okay.”

“…Are you angry? We didn’t do anything weird, you know.”

“Mashiro isn’t angry.”

Then why don’t you say it like you mean it, Mashiro-san? The tone of your voice is scaring me.

“Just…coming over every single day like that…Mashiro was wondering what you were doing all that time.”

“Well, reading manga, watching anime, or listening to music.”

“Can’t she do that at home?”

She really can’t, to be fair. But, I also can’t tell Mashiro about Iroha’s circumstances at home either. Mashiro’s got a point though. From her perspective, this really must seem fishy. Even if I am a good friend of her older brother, barging into my place at such a frequency, nobody would be surprised if a special relationship was at the base of it all. Not to mention that Mashiro has feelings for me, so she of all people would be the most bothered by it.

“It’s her personality that’s just awfully clingy.”

“Hmm? Even though she’s unrelated to the [5th Floor Alliance], you still put up with her annoying attitude, right? Isn’t that pretty inefficient?” Mashiro said, as if to inquire my own feelings.

…W-What is going on here. So many people are questioning me today.

“It’s Ozu’s little sister, you know? For the sake of efficiency in the [5th Floor Alliance], I have to take care of that connection as well. And, aren’t you the same then, Mashiro?”

“…! That…is true, but…From your point of view…”

“Hm? From my point of view?”

“S-So stingy…Don’t dig any deeper…A-Anyway, it’s not because you like Iroha-chan…that you let her do as you please…right?” Her question, her tone was dripping with anxiety.

That being said, my answer had already been written in stone. Be it towards Mashiro, or Iroha, that reply was the same.

“Of course. Right now, the [5th Floor Alliance] takes utmost priority. And also—”

If I can bring creative progress and growth through facing love and youth…if I can find efficiency past the inefficiency, then…

“—I’m thinking of this as an experiment. I lost my reason to deny love, romantic feelings, and the desire to enjoy one’s youth. Of course, that doesn’t mean that I see Iroha in that light now though.”

“So you can maybe use more time…to act as lovers with Mashiro?”

“Eh? …Well, I guess that’s what it boils down to?”

“Okay…Um, you’re not hiding anything…right?”

“…! Y-Yeah, nothing at all?”

“………”

“Mashiro?”

“…N-No, it’s nothing.”

For a second, I felt like Mashiro’s one eyebrow twitched, but maybe that was just my imagination? Knowing that I was actually hiding something, I felt a cold sweat run down my back because of this reaction of hers. Suddenly, Mashiro said words I never expected to hear from her.

“If…we don’t have to worry about Iroha-chan…Why don’t we go on a pretend date?”

“Pretend date…huh.”

The other day, when we went to the private residence of UZA Publishing’s super editor Kiraboshi Kanaria, I felt someone’s cuteness in her actions, and learned about the importance of inefficient desires such as love and experiencing youth for being an editor. That Senpai of mine taught me all of it.

That’s why I wanted to focus more on growing aware of my own desires, but that in itself is probably different from the question if I held romantic feelings for Iroha. Not to mention that I’m not too sure about Mashiro either.

To sum things up, because of my lack of experience, I can’t even tell if what I’m feeling is love or not…I’m sorry for being a virgin. Like, seriously. Then again, disregarding that moral dilemma, I have to act as Mashiro’s boyfriend either way.

“Seems like Oji-san is doubting us after all.”

“He must have some way to spy on us, like someone at school.”

“Yeah…And if we don’t act as proper lovers at school, then…”

“Yup. There’s lots of cute girls around Aki. If you were to act closer with one of them than Mashiro, then Dad would become suspicious.”

“…That makes sense.”

“Mashiro also…really l-loves Aki…and it would be bad if that got found out…but Mashiro will give the OK for now.”

“That does…make sense?”

To be perfectly honest, going on a date with a girl that has actual feelings for me, fully ignoring her previous confession just to have fun, makes me feel like a heartless bastard, so I’d rather not. But, this time, we have to do it in order to satisfy President Tsukinomori.

“You don’t have to do anything, Aki.”

“Eh?”

“It’s hard for you to create a plan, right? Whatever Mashiro said, you would feel like you’re just playing with her, using her, wouldn’t you? Mashiro will plan this pretend date, so that you don’t have to feel guilty about anything.”

“But, I can’t just…”

“Shut up. Don’t talk back.”

“…Aye.”

There’s the cold and salty treatment I was used to. This stabbing pain in my chest felt so nostalgic for some reason.

“No need to worry, Aki.” Mashiro showed a confident smile, and gave me a thumbs-up. “Because Mashiro will create a perfect date plan with a 100% success rate!”

*

「I can already see the flags of failure fluttering in the wind. You gonna be okay?」

「Agreed…I got a really bad feeling about this」

5th Floor Alliance (4)

Makigai Namako

Hey, I need some advice. This is about a friend of a friend of a friend

OZ

So about Makigai-sensei?

Makigai Namako

Bastard…at times like these, you have to act like I’m actually deceiving you

AKI

Don’t expect OZ of all people to possess such a high-level atmosphere-reading skill

Murasaki Shikibu-sensei

Eh? Three friends of yours ended up in a triangle BL relationship?

Makigai Namako

Nobody said anything about BL

AKI

You can just ignore Shikibu’s incompetence at reading and lack of common sense

OZ

You need advice on some private stuff? Makigai Namako-sensei does?

Makigai Namako

Don’t emphasize it

Makigai Namako

Anyway. I wanted to hear about some great dating spots for the current season

OZ

Don’t tell me, you found a lover?

Makigai Namako

Well, yeah

AKI

Ohh, congrats! That’s what you’d expect from the best-selling author that I know and love

Makigai Namako

You ain’t getting more even if you praise me

OZ

In gal games, a standard event during this season has to be the summer festival, right

AKI

Ahh, now that you say it. We never used it in ‘Black Goat’ since it would be hard to implement though

AKI

If this was any other normal phone game, I can totally see a summer festival happening

Makigai Namako

A summer festival, huh…I see

OZ

Watching the fireworks together…Isn’t that the most romantic part about it?

OZ

Not just watching it from a scientific point of view, where you would analyze and appreciate the force behind the explosions

AKI

I don’t want any couple to look at fireworks that way…

Murasaki Shikibu-sensei

That takes me back to my student days. I watched them all alone on my balcony

AKI

Can you not give us such a depressing flashback at a time like this

AKI

That being said, I think that the summer festival might be a good idea

Makigai Namako

So you agree, AKI

AKI

Haven’t gone there at all as of late, though

AKI

When I was much younger, I went with my cousins, almost every summer

Murasaki Shikibu-sensei

Phew, I’m surprised you remember that

AKI

Well, I remember it as a highly inefficient event, so that’s probably why

AKI

Though I feel it wouldn’t hurt to just purely enjoy things once in a while

Makigai Namako

You sure changed ever since that trip to the sea, AKI

Makigai Namako

I see…So it might be possible now

AKI

Yeah. I think this season is perfect for it

Makigai Namako

Thanks a bunch, it was a great help

AKI

Enjoy your date!

Makigai Namako

Yeah!