The Butcher of Gadobhra

Arthramax got as much of himself as he could near the teleportation stone. Teleportation for someone his size was a slower process, and uncomfortable. It was one of the reasons dragons preferred to fly and sneered at other modes of travel. The mana density of the chamber was increasing nicely, swirling around the ancient stone walls.

The Dragon liked this place, and if it had been a hundred times larger might have considered moving his lair. The ancient carvings on the stone were well done with harsh strokes of a size that precluded any of the smaller races. And the available mana was a nice advantage. The large runes high on the walls were glowing slightly now as the mana filled the room. His remaining two minions were becoming drunk on it. He would have to tell one of his smaller spawns about the place. For any dragon under a century old, it would be ideal. Not for free, of course. He'd demand half the wyrm's hoard now and 10% of their earnings for the next two centuries.

"I am about to travel, minions, but fear not. You will not be deprived of my wonderful presence. Leap to the platform as my tail begins to travel and you'll be dragged behind me."

Sparky and Chillhands clapped, waved, and wished him a good journey.

"Damien, my friend, and good companion, I believe that there is sufficient evidence to conclude that a large Ice Drake is teleporting to our reassembled stone, and I'm beginning to panic." Vladimir was of two minds, as always. Part of him was excited by something new happening, and the other yelling to not be stupid and live longer.

Damien had quickly set up some sort of instrument next to the frozen stone and now pulled out a small device shaped like a saucer. He was giggling and looking at the outline of something immense that was heading their way.

"Worried, why should we be worried? There is science to do! Doesn't your little half-breed mind realize what we can learn from a Dragon? Obviously, he has heard of our new academy and come to join us. None of the other Arcane Academies have a Draconic Professor. It's a chance to show them up!" This was an outcome that none of the other Professors had thought of, and they became excited at the idea.

Vladimir stared at Damien and shook his head. "May I ask where you think all of this abundance of mana is coming from, Damien?"

"You may, and we already know. The rift is pouring this river of mana into the broken system, tainted by the Ice Drake that is coming to join our little group of misfits."

"Why no, Vladimir, I don't. In fact, the only Ice Drake seen that far south was the one we encountered when I came to rescue you."

"Exactly. And what would you say the odds were that the Drake trapped in the rift and cooling the mana would be the one hovering over the tower as it exploded?"

"Nearing 99.03%. If I had Occam's Razor I could measure the odds exactly. Sadly, old Professor Occam never let me get too close to his greatest invention."

Vladimir rolled his eyes. "So you admit that you know that this is the Dragon we saw that night? The very upset dragon that was rudely interrupted in his evening's entertainment?"

"Where are you going with this?"

"YOU IDIOT! It knows our scent and will murder us as soon as it gets here!"

Damien sighed, "If we are going to ever make it big as a comedy duo, you're going to have to learn to follow my lead better." As the dragon began to push through the teleporter, Damien tossed his little device onto the teleport stone and dove for Vladimir, knocking him over. The Professors, with a better view of what he was doing, were already on the ground.

The device produced a multitude of sparks before sucking out all of the mana from the stone and disappearing, along with the dragon, except for two of its toes equipped with yard-long claws sliced cleanly from the beast. The ice disappeared from the stones and the loose pieces were blasted around the surrounding area.

Vladimir stood up and then helped Damien to his feet. "You planned that."

"Of course I did. If that creature is so upset that it's hunting us, I don't for a second think we could talk our way out of an icy death. We'd need all of the Baron's minions to even put up a good fight."

"Then why the ruse?"

Damien looked over at the relieved Professors. "I wanted to see how many of them would believe my story about a Draconic Professor. Lying isn't something you do as a hobby. You have to work hard at it You never know when you'll have to tell a good lie to get away from the Inquisition. And it kept you confused. I was worried you'd walk over to the stones and kick a piece loose, disrupting the pattern early. Doing it my way gave us some lovely draconic substances to experiment with. And you can't beat the freshness of these parts!"

Vladimir stroked one of the claws. "True. I've always wanted a set of dragon claw carving tools. My apologies for doubting you."

"I forgive you. This has been a wonderful day for science. My devices recorded important data, we have proof dragons can teleport, acquired rare ingredients for future experiments, and I got to finally test my Disruption Disk. I only regret not being able to see the destruction it causes at the other end."

Everyone was examining the two frozen claws. The professors made sure that not a drop of the Dragon's Blood would go to waste, and plans were made to conduct unique experiments.

Titania cackled, "Only open for a day and we already have top-of-the-line ingredients for the Alchemy lab. I'm going to need to find myself an assistant soon."

Barky was sitting off to the side, drinking a cup of hot cocoa brought to him by a smiling brownie. He was staring at the two looming towers of the Empire's newest Arcane Academy with its gothic architecture and leering gargoyles. He slowly raised his hand.

The Witch looked at him, noting the deep PTSD, frostbite, and signs of starvation. This young man was already halfway trained. "Is your hand in the air because you need more hot cocoa or because you're interested in the position?"

"Both, ma'am. This looks like a place where even a Dragon would hesitate to visit, and that's very high on my list of places to live."

Voluminous clapped loudly. "Huzzah, our first student."

Arthramax screamed in pain and rage as he was thrown back from the teleport stone. "My claws! My beautiful claws! Someone will pay for this!"

The little, saucerlike device was sitting in the center of the teleport stone, disrupting the mana in the room, pushing some through the stone as the rest tore through the ancient cave like the harshest winter winds, tearing apart the remains of the delicate apparatus until it finally sucked in all the mana and exploded, shattering the stone into a thousand pieces, and then imploded into a small black hole and disappeared. Chillhands, a veteran of many catastrophic rituals had hidden behind a rocky outcropping as soon as the dragon began to teleport away. He'd seen magical backlash before. Now, experiencing a disaster many magnitudes worse, he cowered and prayed he'd survive. Sparky wasn't so lucky. He'd been standing in the open and the raging winds of charged mana had picked him up and thrown him into the collapsing black hole. His scream echoed in Chillhands ears. "Better him than me."

Arthramax chuckled, "I like your attitude, Head Minion. You show promise. But you should know two things. Firstly, we have a new magical puzzle to solve. The sneaky bastard who tried to assassinate me has done us a favor by clearing away the pitiful human magi-tech and revealing what was hidden beneath."

Chillhands looked up at the walls where eight glowing runes were fully revealed, each sucking in the mana from the rift below. As they watched, a scene appeared in front of each. The human looked up at the drake, "I will assist to the best of my ability, but of course, my knowledge pales in comparison to the Draconic Wisdom you command."

"So you know what to do?"

"um, figure things out, then give you the credit and tell you how worthless I am?"

"Again, excellent attitude. And to hurry you along, the second thing you need to know is that regenerating my missing toes is making me ravenous." No other encouragement was needed for Chillhands to begin trying to figure out what the ancient apparatus did. By the time the first tummy rumblings echoed in the chamber, he had a working hypothesis. He carefully activated the first set of runes and the small scene expanded in scope, and a circle of glowing runes appeared on the floor beneath.

"Sir! Look! I believe it's another teleportation system, but it predates the feeble time of the warmlander mages by hundreds of years!"

"Oh, those cheaters! This is beautiful. I love the runework and the images are so crisp. You know, you just can't get a crystal ball large enough for crisp and clear images like this. It simply must be early draconic work. Let's see where they go!"

In the Dreaming City deep beneath the waves of the Western Sea, Tide Warden Blipdilplooop felt the cold current coming from the central plaza and blew his Conch Horn of Overreaction, summoning seven schools of defenders from all levels of the city. Queen Blipdelpindoop noted that the temperature had dropped to the point it was almost noticeable and commended Blipdilplooop for his quick actions in averting the possibility of something uncomfortable happening. The schools of warriors worked to divert a warm current to the plaza, raising the temperature back to its normal point, and the Tide Warden resumed his vigil, rewarded with the knowledge of a job well done.

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Arthramax debated for a moment, then shook his head. "I'd love some seafood, but it's so hard to swim when the water freezes around you. Next!"

The Under City of Bloth was home to many teleportation platforms, and when one began to produce a deviant type of mana, siphons were employed to transfer the mana to a series of large tanks to be sold to alchemists. Nothing in Bloth ever went to waste and the ice-tainted mana was a delicacy in the city. Behind the techno-slaves working in heat-resistant robes, tumbling lava falls fell to the bubbling cauldron below the city.

The Dragon frowned, he detested being overheated. "Next!"

Near Shadowport, He-Who-Rules-In-Solitude noticed the Teleportation Stone that linked his lonely tower to the other ancient cities of the Wheel was slowly charging. Excited about the possibility of a surprise visitor, he walked down the many steps to the tower's base. He was sadly disappointed that the creature trying to visit was simply a large eel. He had too many eels circling his island already and certainly didn't need another. The Dragon watched as the Elven Wizard peered at him, then snorted and held up one finger and made a rude gesture, before saying, "Damned Eels! Get off my lawn." He sent the icy mana into the water to annoy the eels there and went back to reading his favorite book.

"How rude! Elves taste nasty anyway, and he looked old and tough. Next."

In the Desolation of Typhon, a vast platform sat upon a rocky ridge, scoured by the winds. Frost formed upon the platform as Ice-tainted mana filled the runes upon its surface. This attracted the attention of a Giant Burrowing Lamprey, who sensed the tempting morsel of fresh mana. The Lamprey had barely emerged from the ground and digested its meal before a Scourge-wing Drake spotted it on the ridge and struck, killing the Lamprey and eating it upon the platform. Its distended belly made flying difficult, and it passed too low over a colony of Dire Toads. The toads brought down the Drake, snaring it with a dozen long tongues and dragging it into their burrow to feed to their tadpoles in the spawning pools. Meanwhile, a wandering Four-Headed Scorn Giant noticed the mana forming on a ridge and went to investigate, ignoring the buzzing cloud above him...

The dragon and the Ice-mage looked at each other and simultaneously yelled, "Next!"

M'elvin of N'fargleville, All-Seeing-Sage-of-Many-Eyes, accepted the gift of cooling mana and sent back thoughts of cold between the stars and the waiting Lords of Entropy who would eat the universe when the last of the heat dissipated in a hundred trillion years and the last star blinked out.

Arthramax noted that his Head Minion was staring straight ahead with stars whirling in his four eyes. He poked at Chillhands with a sharp claw, puncturing a kidney and reminding him he had a job to do.

"Next, minion, I'm getting hungrier by the second! Find me food."

Valgurius, High Lich of the Necropolis was happy to chat.

"Welcome, esteemed member of the Draconic Council. I thank you for the gift of mana and hope that you've called about my application to become a junior member."

The dragon rolled his eyes. No one got into the Council anymore, not him, and certainly not some bag of bones. "No, your application is rejected, but I was thinking of visiting your fair city. Please charge your stone and have presents ready for me."

"I would be happy to have you visit and have an assortment of valuable presents ready for you, but there's a problem. We are quite short on mana. Perhaps if you sent a few million more? I'll get the presents lined up now while you begin the transfer of mana."

An hour later, the stone was still not accepting teleports, despite the copious amount of mana sent. The Dragon opened the connection again. "What is the problem?! I'm bored and hungry."

The Liche bowed low. "Terribly sorry. I think we have a bad connection, I've barely received any mana. Could you check back in another hour? I'm sure if you continue to send mana, it will be ready then. I'll line up the candy-coated halflings and have them ready as treats!"

Grumbling, the dragon took a nap, his stomach screaming, and his minion was hiding inside his own shadow, quivering in fear. Once again, he opened the communication channel and demanded to visit the Necropolis.

The Liche appeared on the screen, looking apologetic. "Perhaps you can turn it on and off a few times? Still nothing on this end."

The dragon swiped an angry claw through the image, cutting the connection. "Worthless Liches. Next!"

The dragon drooled as the tantalizing image of meat appeared before his eyes. All kinds of meat were hanging from the rafters. Giant Sloth ribs, Fire Beast legs, Void Kraken tentacles, and other gargantuan beasts of every sort. On the floor, carcasses were piled thirty feet high in huge mounds. Tasty meat was everywhere. The only downside was the dreary surroundings and small doors. Still...it would be lovely to step out for a snack!

"Minion! Have you found the recall command yet? All draconic teleporters have them for quick in-and-out visits during mating season."

Chillhands was mastering the use of his extra eyes, but they came in handy in deciphering the runes. "Yes, your loquaciousness. Simply stand where you first appear and yell, 'Full', and I will bring you back. It does take a moment to charge, however."

"Oh, I'll be eating far longer than that. Once my belly is full, I'll think better and can outwit that annoying Liche." He stepped into the runic circle and disappeared. The scent of fresh and rotting meat assailed his nostrils and he dove headfirst into one of the piles, chewing down huge amounts of meaty snacks. His hunger could not be denied after so many weeks of dieting and he missed the large shadow that loomed over him.

"Looks like Dragon is back on the menu, Boys!" A huge two-handed cleaver, known locally as a hog-splitter, came down onto the Dragon's rearmost right leg, severing it close to the body. Arthramax screamed in pain and rage, (Mostly pain.), and turned to slay his attacker. He belched forth a sleet storm of deadly ice and snow, fortified by the mana of the Northwind. The room froze solid instantly and he saw a horde of cleaver-armed minions become frostsicles, perfect for feasting on.

Unfortunately, those weren't his problem. The Butcher of Gadobhra laughed. "That will just slow me up and make this a fun hunt. You sealed off anyway to escape this room with your ice. A small tactical error." He took a slow step toward the dragon and swung his weapon in a long, flat arc that would have taken off the drake's head if he hadn't dodged back. As it was, he lost the tip of his snout.

The dragon ran away clumsily, having only five legs, not six, dodging between the hanging carcasses. The Butcher followed, slowly forcing the drake into a corner as he sliced off small bits from the beast, laughing as he came. Arthamax breathed out the last of his mana, hoping to slow his terrible foe, and then ran for the teleport circle. The Butcher sliced off his tail, leaving a small stump, and turned to pursue.

"RECALL. RECALL.RECALL"

The Butcher chuckled to himself as he hung the tail and the haunch to age, and threw the tasty bits in a barrel by his throne. As he sat and chewed on a bit of fresh, frosty dragon meat, his minions and lesser Butchers began to unthaw. He was happy with the outcome of the fight. It was always good to let the talkative ones get away.

"They need to remember I'm still here. They need to fear Gadobhra."

Chillhands was doing his best to not notice the blubbering, terrified dragon in the room. He focused his efforts on the last rune, bringing up a picture that would surely please his Master.

"Your patience and cunning are legendary Master. Stepping out for a bite to eat while I discerned your final destination. And what a destination it is! Lots of room, beautiful wall coverings, and a floor covered twenty feet deep in gold and treasure!"

The words 'Gold and Treasure' snapped the dragon out of his terror. Already his mighty draconic brain was rewriting the epic fight and convincing himself of his glorious victory. The scene before him helped. "How do you know it's twenty feet deep?"

"They have a depth gauge on the left wall. Very helpful."

"Oh, indeed. And I just love the cheering minions lined up and waiting for my arrival. Let us depart."

Deep beneath the Black Pyramid of Kraxmiroxtli in the City of Mazqorati, the priests had assembled a huge throng made of all the tribes, waiting for the arrival of Emperor Mazqorati the 64th, as foretold in the stars. Granted, they assemble every year on this day, as the exact year was a little fuzzy since a meteor had destroyed the great observatory.

The throngs cheered as the Emperor appeared in all of his glory, fully transfigured into his final form, and showing the wounds of his battle against the false gods. He burrowed into the golden tribute, laughing and showing that he approved. Then he looked at the assembled tribes, and as foretold, completed the ancient prophecy with the sacred words, "I'm starving, what do we have to eat!"

The chosen sacrifices lined up in the hundreds, happy to serve the new Emperor.