Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Sheloran Runs Out of Poops to Poop

So like I said there was a pooping Republic Intelligence officer in a grav-car next to me and the door opened.

I got into the car. I figured it was better than getting pooping hauled away by people in black combat armor. Besides, I was flushing exhausted. Of course I was in a car with a flushing Republic agent. Of pooping course. Why not?

“Congratulations on beating the rap.” the agent said with a smile “I’m agent Rossi, Republic Intelligence.”

“I’m Sheloran, poop magnet.” I said with a smile. I think something went “sproing” in my head. I really didn’t care anymore. I completely ran out of poops to poop.

“Those detectives are already starting to squeal,” Agent Rossi said with a mean little smile. “We should soon know who their contacts are in the Federation. Hopefully we can find out who your leak is as well.”

“Um… thanks?”

“Consider it a professional courtesy.”

Pooping what!?!? A pooping what? Why the poop was she using the words “professional courtesy” when she talked to me? I just pooping knew that was a bad sign.

“I also have your media in the trunk. You can have it once we are done with our little chat.”

Scum! There was no way in the deep and frothy abyss they were just being nice to be nice.

“Thanks. Why the poop are you doing this?”

“There’s no reason why we can’t correct an injustice every now and then.” Agent Rossi said with a wolfish smile. “So where are you headed? I'll give you a lift.”

“Awful pooping nice of you but my friends already sent me a taxi,” I said with an exhausted sigh. There was no pooping way that I was willingly letting her take me anywhere. Flush that!

“That reminds me. As another professional courtesy I can inform you that we are pretty sure your friends haven’t been fingered.”

Well that was a pooping relief! Still, her being so nice and forthcoming was pooping freaking me out.

“Ok,” I said taking a deep breath, “Why? What do you want?”

“Not much,” Agent Rossi said with a smile. “We like the idea of you injecting Terran media and culture into that particular sector, that’s all.”

Well that makes sense.

“We would also want to encourage you to develop and expand your distribution channels.”

“That’s sort of the plan, agent,” I replied. How was I so pooping calm? I should have been ready to pee myself. Maybe it was just fatigue.

“Good,” she said with a little smile. “Later, maybe, from time to time, we can help each other out.”

And there it was. There it pooping was! I’ve played too way many games with that flushing cutscene!

“Right now it’s in our best interest for you to grow and develop distribution channels in that region and it’s in our best interest for Terran culture to enter the Federation. It’s a win-win,” she said with that same predatory smile.

“And pooping later?” I asked dubiously.

“No need to get ahead of ourselves," she said with a wicked smile. "For now, enjoy the return of your media. My advice is to have your friends wait a little before they start distribution. Hopefully we can find out who the leak is on your side so you can plug it.”

“Plug it? What, exactly, do you mean?” I was not going to set up a pooping hit. Nope. No flushing way.

“Well, I wouldn’t want to tell you your business. I’ll just let you know what we find out.” Agent Rossi said with a smile that told me exactly how she wanted me to pooping handle my business. Once again, nope. We were not pooping going there… probably. Wait! NO! Definitely not pooping going there!

“Well I enjoyed our little chat,” Agent Rossi said with a little friendly smile. “Oh, and here,” she said as she pulled out that same little plastic bag with my pistol in it. It’s been stamped, see?” she said pointing at a little holographic seal. “Another..”

Please don’t pooping say it. Please just don’t.

“professional courtesy,” she said with a smile.

She unlocked the doors with a little “click”. Scum! The doors were locked? When the poop did that happen? I didn’t waste any time getting the poop out of there!

“Oh there is one little courtesy I would like in return,” she said as I was scooting out of there

Oh poop.

“Yeah?”

“Keep our little chat to yourself. Don’t tell Hollister or your lawyer.”

“But how am I going to explain the media?”

“If you don’t think you can handle it…”

The trunk started to close.

“I’ll pooping figure out something!” I squeaked.

Agent Rossi smiled as the trunk started to open again. I slammed the door shut, ran around the back of the grav-car and grabbed my poop!

The grav-car slid away.

“Pooooooop!!!” I yelled at the sky.

***

“Full motherfucking house,” Lucky said as she neatly laid her cards down on the table, one after the other.

“This is fucking unnatural!” Visha exclaimed as she tossed her cards on the table. “What is it with you and cards?”

“Don’t blame me if you don’t know how to play,” Lucky giggled as she grabbed a pile of sweets on the table including one honey-bun. “Oh how I missed you little one,” she said as she kissed it. “Did you miss momma?”

“Do the Xvli normally eat their children?” Visha asked with a laugh.

“Only the weak ones... Your turn to deal, Tizz,” Lucky chuckled.

“Hey Visha!” Louise, one of her crew, exclaimed as she ran up. “Guess what? You know that little xeno, the one who fucked up Donna?”

“Yes, our little five hit wonder,” Visha replied as she took her cards.

“What about her?” Lucky asked looking up intently.

“She walked.”

“What?!?” Lucky shouted happily. “No shit?”

“Yeah, she just walked out of here a few minutes ago.”

“That’s fast,” Tizz said as she frowned at her cards. Lucky raised an eyebrow. Tizz only frowned that way when she was looking at something really good.

“Guess the guards didn’t want her in here,” Lucky giggled.

“Yeah, no shit,” Visha laughed. “Can you blame them?”

***

There was a bench nearby. It looked like a decent place to wait for sanity to be restored to this flushing completely scummed up universe.

There was someone already sitting on it.

It was Craxina! She looked pooping miserable.

“Craxina, hi.” I said as I sat down next to her.

“Hi (sniff),” she said in a meek little voice.

“So, I heard you had a rough time today,” I said.

She just started squealing.

Poop! I just sat there not knowing what to do.

She kept squealing these long painfully agonizing squeals. Not knowing what to do I reached out and put my hand on her back.

She threw herself at me and started squealing and wailing as she buried her face in my dress. I tried to gently dislodge myself but she was holding on tight with eight little hands and feet.

“Um… There, there...” I said uncertainly as I patted her back. Poop! Now what?

“Oh it was horrible!” Craxina wailed. “He kept yelling and yelling and showing me… stuff...”

“It’s going to be ok,” I said stroking her back. Scum! She felt so bad and I didn’t know what to pooping do.

“Why would they do that?” she wailed.

“Do what?”

“All that… stuff… Sex is supposed to be fun and nice and what… what they did...” She broke down into squeals and wails. “Why, Sheloran… why?”

“I honestly don’t know. The galaxy can be sort of poopy sometimes.”

She just started hugging me tighter. I shifted uncomfortably. It was like she found every pooping little bruise I had.

“I know you’ve had a terrible day but what he showed you was just the worst of the pooping worst from what I heard,” I said stroking her head. I still didn’t quite know what to pooping do.

“It was so bad!”

“Shh… It’s over now...” I said still stroking her. “It was bad but now you can go home, get a nice cup of tea, and pull the covers over your head for awhile. You can then go see that person from the sex workers union and they can get you set up so you can be safe.”

“But I don’t have a home!” She wailed. “I don’t have anywhere to go!”

“What?” Ohhh poop. Oh pooping poop. I could see where this was heading. Of pooping course she didn’t have anywhere to go. Of course.

“I just stayed in a hotel and now I’m broke! It… it didn’t matter before ‘cause I’d just go out and turn some tricks but… I can’t… not after… after...”

She started squealing again.

“Poop… Listen…” I said holding up her head. “It’s ok. You can just come stay with me for a little while.”

What? I couldn’t just let her wander around the streets in the state that she was in! That would have been beyond scummy!

“R-really?” She asked as she looked up at me hopefully.

“Really. There’s a taxi on the way and we can just go right over to my hotel and you can stay there till you get meet with that union person.”

She just hugged me and squealed some more. She just kept squealing and shuddering. I just stroked her back while she did. Poor thing just couldn’t hold back anymore I guess.

Poop! I wanted to do that, just collapse and have a good cry but flushing no. I had a little furry thing latched to my dress and seventy thousand worth of loot at my feet. Collapsing would have to pooping wait just a little longer.

***

The taxi rolled up and I somehow managed to get Craxina on her feet. Finally, after what seemed like forever, I managed to make it to my hotel.

I was a day late on making my payment for the week. Good ol' Baxlon took care of it. They gave me a weird look when showed up at the desk though. I guess my lawyer's office taking care of things while I was "travelling for business" looked just a tad suspicious especially when I showed up looking like I decided to go a couple of rounds with a human. I decided that I probably needed to move. Scum! I really pooping liked that place!

Craxina seemed to be doing better by the time we walked to my room.

“Oh this place is niiice!” she said as she threw herself on the bed. “I thought you worked in a coffee shop!”

“Um… yeah… coffee,” I mumbled as I put my suitcase in the closet. It wasn’t that nice. It was the cheapest thing I could find where I felt safe. Where the poop was she used to staying? She was right though. No way in poop I could pay for this on minimum wage.

“How much does that place pay?!”

“We get tips,” I said as I pulled my pistol out of my waistband and put it on the nightstand.

Craxina’s eyes got big as she looked at it. Poop! I wasn’t even thinking.

“Um… the coffee shop is in a bad neighborhood.” I say quite truthfully.

“Ok... Um… can I take a bath?”

“I sort of hoped you would,” I said. I wasn’t going to say anything but she was a little smelly.

***

“Wow! This is so fucking awesome!” Craxina yelled from inside the bathroom. “I can fucking swim in here!”

As soon as the water started running I picked up the phone and called the guys. They wanted to see me right away but I told them that I needed some rest and I’d see them tomorrow. After we made some really pooping awesome celebration plans (I couldn’t wait!) I hung up.

“OoooooWeeeeooooOOoooOoooo...” Craxina was making happy noises as she splashed about in my bathroom. I wanted a nice long bath too. I guess I would have to wait just a bit.

“Hey! There’s plenty of room in here! Why don’t you jump in! We can scrub each other’s backs!” Craxina yelled. Nope! No pooping way!

“Um… that’s ok. I’ll just wait.”

“Aww… Come on! I won’t do anything freaky, promise!”

“No!”

“Aww…”

She continued to splash and sing as she was undoubtedly making a mess in my bathroom. I just sighed and shook my head. Of all of the odd things that have happened to me over the past few days a homeless furry xeno prostitute splashing water all over my bathroom wasn’t all that weird in comparison.

As I was making a nice cup of tea, (I absolutely love tea. It’s the awesomest!) my phone rang.

It was Baxlon.

“You. Lobby. Now.” he barked and then he hung up. He did not sound pooping happy.

“Oh what now?” I asked myself as I grabbed my pistol and shoved it into my sash. “Craxina, I’m going to the lobby for a minute!”

“OoooooOoooWeeeeoo… Ok! OooooWeeeOooo (splash splash)”

Baxlon was standing in the lobby.

“Outside,” he said and walked out the door.

I was starting to be able to read his body language. It said that he was pissed off. I followed him. Once we were a few dozen yards from the door he spun around.

“Funny thing just happened,” he said in a decidedly unpleasant tone. “There I was trying to get your media and Hollister’s cash out of evidence and all of the sudden I was told it was all gone and to ask you about it so here I am, fucking asking,” he hissed as he quickly moved in way too pooping close.

I reflexively reached into my sash. He stopped really pooping quick I tell you.

“Woah!” he exclaimed as he jumped back like a spider and one of his pincers shot into a compartment in his bot. “What the fuck Sheloran?”

“You pooping scared me!” I squeaked gripping my pistol.

“I wasn’t going to fucking touch you… you fucking psychopath! Jesus!… Let’s… Let’s just put all of our appendages where we can see them, ok?”

“O-ok...” I pulled my hand out of my sash and he pulled his pincer out of the compartment.

“Let’s try this again,” he said in a much calmer tone of voice. “I found out that the media and cash was already gone and that you probably knew something about that. Do you know something about it?”

“Yeah,” I squeaked. “I have it. I just thought it was the media but maybe the pooping cash is in there too?”

“How did you get it? Cut a deal with the cops? Sell us out?”

“Poop no! I would never deal with the flushing cops! After all the poop I had to deal with? Are you flushing crazy?! Never! Flush them!!!”

“Then who did you cut a deal with?”

I looked down and wiggled one of my feet nervously.

Baxlon cautiously approached.

INTELLIGENCE? Appeared in glowing green lettering when he got close.

I just looked away.

“...no...” (I'm such a pooping bad liar! I really have to get better at it!)

He backed up.

“Well I guess it’s none of my business is it? You got the stuff and that’s all that matters.” he said with an odd tone in his voice. “Soooo… You still want to do business?”

“Flush yeah I do,” I said with a force that surprised me. “I mean, if you still do.”

“I dunno. You going to pull a gun on me again?”

“(sigh) I didn’t pull it. I was just getting ready, that’s all.”

“Well, whatever! Do it again and we are done, got it froggy?”

“Well… well… Don’t flushing rush me like that and you won’t get pooping shot, ok...eel?”

“Heh, heh… Deal.” He texted me something. “That’s my card. Come by the office and we will get down to brass tacks.”

Brass tacks? Wait. Oh that meant business! I heard it in a cutscene once!… or was it a movie? I can’t remember.

“Can it wait until tomorrow? I am pooping beat!”

“Yeah, sure no rush. Give me a call when you are ready to get started.”

“Pooping awesome!” I said getting excited again. “We are going to make so much flushing money!” I was talking with a little bit of a potty mouth but I guess it was ok. I needed to sound tough after all!

“Yeah we fucking are!”

“When I was in solitary I got to thinking. There is a lot of poop we can flushing move!”

“Can’t wait to hear all about it… in my nice secure bug proof office.”

“Great! Can’t wait!” I felt really good all of a sudden. I guess I wasn’t as exhausted as I thought. “Let me try to find the guy’s cash and after I get it back to them we can get started! This is going to be so much pooping fun!”

I scampered back to my room almost dancing with happiness and excitement. Craxina was still singing and splashing up a storm. I pulled out my suitcase and sure enough! Right there on the top was an envelope with a crystal inside. I checked it and yup! It was one hundred thousand credits! I texted the guys right away and boy were they pooping happy!

The deal was back on!

Wait. There was something else in there, a small black case. Inside were rows of data crystals and a card that simply said "Ms. Rossi" followed by a telephone number. Scum! What the poop was that? I flushing knew everything was too good to be pooping true. It sounded like Craxina was starting to finish up so I just shoved everything back into the suitcase and slammed the closet door shut.

She came out wrapped in a towel with a huge smile on her face. “That was awesome!” she exclaimed. “I haven’t have that nice of a bath in a long time!”

“Happy to hear it,” I said as I pulled out my pistol and put it on the nightstand again. Her eyes got really wide again. Poop. I wasn’t thinking. I should have done that before she got out! Poop. I decided not to say anything.

She didn’t press the issue.

I told her that I was going to take a bath and headed into the bathroom. Thank poop the mess wasn’t anywhere as bad as I thought it would be. The tub was even clean! I checked the wastebasket and there was a tangled lump of wet fur. At least she was considerate.

I drew a nice hot bath and eased my bruised little body into the steaming water. Finally I could relax! I just floated in the water letting myself drift off…

Suddenly the door opened and Craxina bounced in. I yelped and scrambled lunging for the shower curtain.

“Craxina! Can you hold it until I’m done?!?”

“Oh I don’t have to go. I’m just lonely.”

“Well can you pooping be lonely in another room?”

“But...”

“GET OUT!”

“But...”

“OUT!”

“Aww,” she quietly said as she closed the door behind her.

Poop! I just wanted to have a quiet little soak! Why universe? Why the poop couldn’t I just take a pooping bath?

I finally settled back down and drifted off. We Plath can sleep in water. We quite like it actually. After a short nap in the warm water I felt a whole lot better. I dried off and put on one of the hotel bathrobes. I pooping love bathrobes! I am going to get a pile of them when I get my own place!

I opened the door and Craxina flopped into the bathroom. She had been flushing sitting against the other side of the door!

“Hi there!” she said brightly as I jumped back pulling the bathrobe tighter against myself. “Oh don’t be like that, it’s just us girls here.”

I just sighed and taking care not to step over her face, walked into the bedroom. She just followed me around like a flushing puppy. I sort of got used to it after a little while. I didn’t feel like cooking and it turns out that we both love Terran Chinese so I just ordered a pile of it.

After supper we talked. She told me all about her home and why she decided to leave (She wanted to have sex with all the things, big pooping surprise there). She asked a lot of questions that I carefully didn’t answer. I guess she figured out that I wasn’t really up to talking about my past a whole bunch so she stopped after a little while. I watched some television on the holo-screen, crime documentaries. (I decided that I needed to learn some stuff.) I had to stop when Craxina started getting a little upset at the content. Besides, I was tired of having to remind her to stay on her side of the couch.

“Well, it’s getting late and I’m tired. I think I’m just going to turn in for the night,” I said as I went into the bathroom to change in to my nightgown.

When I came back Craxina had already tucked herself into MY bed.

“What are you pooping doing?”

“Getting ready for bed!”

“Um, that’s my bed.”

“But there’s so much room! We can share!”

“No, we pooping can’t. You get the couch.”

“Aww.” She crawled her naked body out of my bed. Scum! Really?

I looked away quickly.

“I’m covered in fur! You can’t see anything!”

“I don’t pooping care! At least put on a towel or something!”

“You’re funny!” she laughed and put on a bathrobe. How do I get myself into these pooping messes?

There were plenty of spare blankets and pillows and she made herself a little nest on the couch and I, finally... finally, was able to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and turn out the lights.

...And I couldn’t sleep. I was too excited! I had so many plans and ideas about what I could do next I could barely stand it. It was all I could do not to try and call Baxlon right then.

Finally I went to sleep… for a little while.

I woke up in the middle of the night to the realization that I wasn’t alone. Clinging to the back of my nightgown was Craxina. Poop. Seriously?

“Craxina! What the poop?!” I yelled as I shook her.

“Wha?” she said sleepily.

“What the poop are you doing in my flushing bed?”

“I was scared!” she said looking at me with puppy dog eyes. “Please? I won’t do anything I promise!”

“You were scared?”

“I get scared at night when I’m alone. Can I… can I please stay?… please?”

Oh scum! Those pitiful eyes of hers.

“Ugh… fine… Touch me and you’re pooping out of here. I flushing mean it!”

“Thanks!” she said really happy and buried her face in the back of my gown. She fell back asleep almost immediately making happy little breathing noises.

So, this is my pooping life now, I thought to myself. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the pure flushing absurdity of the whole pooping situation and after keeping myself up for the Waters knows how long with schemes and plans and dreams of piles and piles of credits I finally managed to drift off into a much needed slumber.

Tomorrow was going to be a brand new day for a pooping brand new me! I couldn’t flushing wait!