Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Sheloran Gets a Vacation!

The bus drove for a pretty long time before it paused in front of this huge gate with that stuff they call razor wire all over it. The gates opened and we pulled in front of this door.

They started shouting at us to get out of the bus and line up. Oh it was so scary. There were these big humans and Kalesh in body armor and they had dogs! They weren’t cute dogs at all. They were scary!

They then made us all go into this long all and face the wall. They then started walking behind us with the dogs sniffing around and waving sensors all around.

“What’s happening?” I whispered to the person, a furry brown thing with eight limbs next to me.

“Contraband,” she whispered back. “They are checking us for-”

“You two! Shut up!” a guard snapped at us.

They took some things from a couple of people (I think we were all females) and even drug a couple of folks out of the line and off somewhere. After a few minutes they had all of us walk single file through another scanner and into a large room with chairs and holo-screens on the wall showing different streaming channels and told us to have a seat.

That same furry little thing plopped down in the chair next to me.

“Wow, you look lost,” she said smiling with a snout of sharp little teeth. “First time?”

“Yeah,” I squeaked quietly.

“I could tell,” she laughed, “I’m Craxina.”

“I’m Sheloran, nice to meet you,” I said in a squeaky voice.

“Well, Sheloran, relax a little. You aren’t facing a firing squad!”

“I know but-”

“Did they threaten to send you back to the Federation?”

I just silently nodded.

“Pssh,” Craxina laughed, “They always say that but it never happens. They are just fucking with you.”

“Oh thank the Waters!” Oh boy was that ever the biggest relief.

“Yeah, the Federation isn’t about to go through all the hassle of getting you back. I mean you’d have to have robbed a bank or killed someone or some shit for that to…. Oh no fucking way!” she said looking at my face. “What did you do?”

Well it was nice feeling relieved for a few seconds anyway. Scum!

“N-nothing...”

“Oh you can’t play a player! Spill!” she giggled.

“If you are a ‘player’ then you would know not to ask poop like that.”

“Ok, fair enough,” she giggled. She sat there quietly for a few moments and then wiggling all of her limbs she asked, “So, what did you do to get hauled in?”

“I didn’t ‘do’ anything.”

“Ok,” she snickered, “What are they saying you did? That’s not admitting to anything.”

“A lot of media piracy and a weapons charge,” I squeaked quietly, “And you?”

“Oh, unlicensed solicitation in an improper manner and possession of listed substances with the intent to distribute in an improper manner without a license,” she said with a snort. “A whole lot of words to say they busted me for having a good time and helping others to do the same.”

“Solicitation?”

“Prostitution!” Craxina laughed.

“P-prostitution?” I said, quite startled, “There are that many of your species here?”

“Not my species, silly, humans!”

“What?!?” I said looking her up and down. She wasn’t any bigger than I was! “H-how?”

“Never underestimate imagination and lube! You see...”

Oh by the waters of the eternal pond! She started describing how in way too pooping much detail. Why did I ask that? Oh she kept talking and talking about it.

“Ok! I got it! Please stop talking!”

“It’s really fun!” She enthused. (I don’t see how. It sounded really uncomfortable!) “Hey!” she said with a grin, “You’re cute! I bet you could sell your little tail for a fortune! You got a convenient hole down there?”

“Um…”

“The furries would go crazy over you!”

“The what?”

“Furries!”

“What are furries?” Asking that was a pooping mistake by the way. She told me. Humans are very very strange it turns out. I had no flushing idea!

“Hey, Craxina,” a guard said as she walked past, “Here again I see.”

“Hi Sue! How they hanging?”

“Why are you here? The usual?”

“Yep! Just can’t stay away from the dick!”

“It’s not the dick that lands you here, it’s doing it on the street. Why don’t you just join a brothel or something?”

“Meh, too many rules and you have set working hours and shit. It’s too much like a real job. Besides, there is something fun about back alleys. You should try it some time!”

“You are going to get locked up for real one day, Craxina,” the guard said, “There isn’t any dick in prison.”

“That’s cool, I swing both ways! All of us do!”

Oh by the Waters! All of them? Really?

Sue just shook her head and walked off.

I knew by now I shouldn’t ask but I just pooping had to know.

“All of you? Really?”

“Yep!” She proclaimed proudly. She then proceeded to describe the flushing strangest society you can flushing imagine! Suddenly I imagined my hometown celebrating the harvest festival their way and couldn’t stop giggling!

“What’s so funny?” She asked sounding a little perplexed?

I tried to tell her but I just couldn’t talk. I finally caught my breath and told her and we both had a great laugh. I then described “polite Plath society”.

“Oh Gods!” she said in horror. “That sounds awful! You poor thing! But hey, you are in the Republic now! You can get your little freak on whenever you want!”

“But there aren’t any other Plath in the Republic.”

“So? I bet there is some species here that is close enough!”

“Um… that’s ok. I’m fine, really.”

She looked at me with a mix of horror and sympathy. “Oh it can’t be fine! How… how long has it been since you’ve been laid?”

I just looked at the floor embarassed about a hundred different ways. We Plath just don’t talk about this stuff with someone we just met. Besides, there was no way I was going to tell her I was a virgin.

“A real dry spell, huh?”

“You could say that...”

“The old plastic boyfriend must be getting a real workout.”

“Plastic?”

“A diddle stick! You know, a vibrator!”

Oh scum this was getting weird! I mean I know what a vibrator is. I’ve watched plenty of movies and stuff. Plath do have “those things” but they don’t just go handing them out at the harvest festival. You have to go to some big city and find some little shop hidden somewhere out of sight. I wasn’t about to flushing tell her I didn’t have one.

The shock may have killed her (lol).

“This can’t be jail,” I said desperately trying to change the subject. “What happens next?”

“Yeah, this is just the waiting area for processing,” she said brightly, “They will take you through yet another scanner, then you will go to a desk where they will ask you your name and where you live and stuff, then you come back out here, wait, then they take you to medical where you get checked out, then you go to mental health to make sure you aren’t about to do something weird, then you go to another desk where they go over your record and classify you, then they assign you a cell and back you go! Relax! It isn’t bad back there at all, it’s just boring.”

“Classify you? What does that mean?”

“Oh, they separate the normal people like us and the really dangerous ones to keep us safe.”

“Really?” I said with a relieved sigh.

“Oh yeah. The real hardcore monsters have their own wing. You will never see them. You will be hanging out with us thieves and whores.”

“Oh thank the Waters! Oh! I am supposed to be getting a lawyer set up for me. When do I see them?”

“Lucky! You can see them whenever they show up. You’ll definitely see them before you go before the judge.”

“I have to see a judge?”

“You have to get your bail set so you can get out of here.” She then proceeded to explain the whole process to me. There are a lot of pooping steps.

“But it’s almost the weekend so you might have to wait until Monday before you can see the judge. Your lawyer might be able to swing something though.”

“That long?” Oh poop I was going to be spending the whole weekend in here? At least it didn’t sound too scary. Craxina really made me feel better about this whole thing. It sounded like it was just a whole lot of waiting. I was still really scared about what the detectives said but Craxina also said that a good lawyer could get me out of all sorts of trouble. I hoped the guys knew a good one.

“So?” Craxina asked looking at me with big interested eyes. “I’ve never met a Plath before so I gotta know. How do your vibrators work?”

Oh poop. At least the very weird conversation with her was a good distraction. I now know so many things that I can never unlearn no matter how bad I want to (lol).

Even as perverted and weird as she was, I really liked talking to her. She made me feel like everything was going to be ok.

Too bad I was wrong about that.

***

The intake process went exactly as she described. There was a bit of a delay in medical since they had never seen a Plath before. After they looked me up they said that I was “probably ok” and entered in a dietary plan for me.

Everything was going ok until classification.

“Sheloran, upon review of your record and your arrest you have been classified as a violent offender.”

“W-what!?! B-but that’s wrong! I’m not violent!”

“According to the criteria established by the Terran board of corrections you are clearly a violent offender. You will be assigned to the maximum security wing.”

“That means that I’m gong to be put in with killers and stuff right?” I squeaked in terror.

“Yes, that is where people accused of homicide are housed along with other potentially violent individuals such as yourself.”

“You can’t do this! Please!” I squeaked. “I’m not violent I swear!”

“I have a responsibility for the safety of the inmates here and I cannot in good faith place you in minimum security.”

“But why?” I squeaked in complete disbelief.

“Let’s review,” the officer said with a sigh, “There is the entrance declaration where you freely admitted to many violent offenses including homicide and-”

“That… that was self defense! They were going to-”

“So you say but we have no way to verify that. Can you see how it would be a concern?”

“Yes, but-”

“And there is the fact that you were arrested, this evening, with an illegal lethal weapon which you made yourself.”

“But that was for self-defense! I would never...”

“Yes but you can produce lethal weapons with ease. If you can make a… whatever this is...” she said gesturing to the screen, “you can probably whip together a shiv no problem. It is another potential danger.”

“But… but…”

“Not to mention there are the statements from the detectives interviewing you. They said that despite your appearance that you were a dangerous individual and that you acted aggressively even lunging at one of them.”

“But I didn’t!”

She turned the monitor to face me and played the scene where I was being cuffed and led from the interview room. Ok, I might have leaned forward a bit when I called him a poop-face.

“That- that isn’t a lunge! You can’t possibly call that a lunge!”

“We will try to match you with size proportionate cell mates.”

“Please! I’m really scared! Please!”

“Guards,” She said as a human and a Kalesh approached, gently but firmly “helped” me to my feet, and led me away.

***

The door opened to my cell and I stood there frozen with fear. The guards quickly lost their patience, shoved me into the cell and the door slammed behind me.

Two of other people in the cell were playing some sort of card game. They both looked up at me curiously. They had probably never seen a Plath before. The third one was curled up on her bunk with the blanket over their head.

I just stood there like an idiot, frozen with fear.

“I’m Tizz,” a bright red scaled reptilian biped, not much taller than myself said with a faint hiss.

“Txx-zzu,” the other card player, a slender insectoid said with a nod of their chitinous head. I recognized their species. They were a Xneel, a Federation species with a really nasty reputation.

“The lump over there is named Lucky. Don’t bother them, they are resting. Seriously, you really don’t want to do that.”

“I was resting,” Lucky said with annoyance as they poked their head out from under the blankets. Oh flushing poop. It was a Xvli. Those things are lethal. I thought we were all supposed to be small!

“So what’s your name?” Tizz asked.

“Sheloran. My name is Sheloran,” I squeaked. Oh no! I squeaked. I prayed that they didn’t know that meant that a Plath was nervous.

“So what are you?”

“A P-plath. I’m a Plath.”

“Wait,” Lucky said as she fully opened her eyes and looked up at me. “Sheloran the Plath? Heh, I’ve heard of you.”

“W-what?”

“Yeah,” she said with a chuckle, “The killer gamer. Sheloran the black, the face of evil, the drop of oil.”

“They actually called me a drop of oil?” I stammered completely shocked. That’s about as bad as a Plath saying can get. It’s in our pooping bible! They actually went flushing biblical on my butt! The great prophet once stood before a small beautiful clear pool of water and splashed just a little oil on the surface as a demonstration of how much even the tiniest amount of evil, the drop of oil, could ruin both the pool that is the world and the pool that is your soul.

He was answering a question about The Befouler, our version of flushing Satan himself and how he could cause such misery. They were comparing me to Plath Satan!

“You were all over the news in your sector for a little while,” Lucky chuckled, “You were a big time software pirate who specialized in ultra-violent Terran stuff, treason, perversion, bank robbery, murder, then you gave Fed Intel the slip and shot your way across the whole fucking Federation, right?”

“What?!? ... They said what?”

“Yeah! I heard about that too!” Txx-zzu buzzed, “Didn’t you slip some brain-washing software or something into the mix and programmed some loser to waste a bunch of people?”

“That’s not how it went!” I spluttered. What the poop? “I had nothing to do with that guy killing all of those people!”

“And didn’t you help a bunch of Terran terrorists take over your town and kill most of your police force?”

“Wow!” Tizz exclaimed, “Really?”

“No! I didn’t! I had nothing to do with the Terrans! I was just working in the bank!”

“They say that the Terrans paid you with that brain washing software you wanted so you could corrupt minds and incite wholesale violence across your entire homeworld,” Lucky said with a grin, “Fucking hardcore next level terrorist shit!”

“That’s poop!”

“But didn’t you get the game from them and like this knife made from human bones?”

Oh poop. I did get the game from them. That did look a little scummy come to think. This was going to be hard to explain.

“Human bones? No shit?” Tizz asked their eyes wide.

“No shit,” Lucky replied. “She has a blade with a human bone handle.”

“Wow!!”

“No! That’s not right! That’s not how things were at all!”

“That’s not what your friend said.”

“My friend?”

“Yeah, a childhood friend of yours got arrested and sang like a little bird,” Lucky said with a laugh.

Felixroh I thought to myself. That pooping idiot! I love her but scum! She is dumb as a flushing rock!

“Wait,” I said, “They arrested Felixroh? Why?”

“Because she knew all about it from the start and aided you in your evil rampage. They also found a shitload of games on her computer including the first reproduction of the big one.”

“Oh that pooping idiot! She didn’t even erase them? Poop!” I shout looking up at the ceiling. “That little idiot! I told her to trash the drives! I pooping told her!”

“Yeah, she’s in prison now.”

“Scum! How long?”

“They gave her five years. They cut her a break because they said that she was brainwashed by you.”

“Scum! Flushing Scum!” Oh I felt like a real poop log.

“Yeah, they interviewed her for one of the news programs,” Lucky laughed, “She’s… she’s not that bright is she?”

“No,” I sighed hanging my head, “I love the girl but I swear...”

“You might not love her anymore after you see that news expose’.”

“Oh, those butt-faces could manipulate her to say anything. She doesn’t have the sense the creator gave a stump. How bad was it?”

“Pretty bad,” Lucky laughed. “She pretty much told the whole story, how you got the software and the knife from the Terrans and how you spread it everywhere. She even said that you were the one that got her and a bunch of other people hooked on the games.”

Well that was true. I did that. Scum this did look a little bad.

“Yeah but they are just games,” I spluttered, “It’s not like I was selling drugs or something.”

“Oh yeah, speaking of that she also said that you also got her on something called… zip?”

“Scum! That was like a long time ago and zip’s not a big deal at all! A lot of people do it.”

“One more life you ruined is how the news put it.”

“Oh by the scummy Waters that is complete poop! Complete poop!”

“And the banks?”

“It was just the one bank!” I reply. “I had absolutely nothing to do with the Terrans!”

“You robbed a bank? Neat!” Tizz exclaimed happily.

“Yes,” I sighed, “I did rob a bank.”

“Cool!”

“How do you rob a bank anyway?” Lucky asked. “I’ve been wondering about that.”

They were all looking at me wide-eyed and excited. Scum! They think I’m sort of pooping evil super criminal mastermind!

“Yeah! How’s it done?” Txx-zzu buzzed happily. “I gotta know… just for educational purposes of course.”

“Yeah, just theoretically,” Lucky added. “It’s not like I’m planning on using that information or anything...”

Poop. These are hardened criminals who want tips on bank robbery from me! Scum! It was like I was trapped in some hellish parallel universe. This was completely wrong. It was so wrong that it was… funny, incredibly darkly funny.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Oh the universe got me good this time. It kicked me right up the pooper.

“Ok,” I said, “Most people don’t know how the Federation banking system really works...”

***

I didn’t get much sleep that night as they kept me up for hours picking my brains, wanting every detail of everything, even how I made my zapper.

“And you learned how to manufacture weapons from a Terran game?” Tizz asked in awe, “That is so fucking awesome! Which one!”

“Outland bound is the best one for that. Its crafting system is completely realistic down to the wire temperatures.” I said feeling completely defeated.

No matter how hard I tried or how much I insisted that I’m really not like this they were convinced that I’m a pooping master criminal. Then again it was flushing getting harder and pooping harder to deny it. If someone looked at the crazy events of my recent life a certain way it appeared horrible! I was getting really worried. How was I explain all of this to the judge?

“And what about this Federation Fun Time?” Lucky asked her eyes glittering with excitement. “Is it true that it has real models of Federation cities and structures?”

“Yes. The full version is very very detailed and you can import maps directly from public sources for things that it doesn’t already have.”

“And the response times and strategy of police and the military are accurate?”

“Supposedly,” I said. I had completely caved at this point. I was too pooping worn out. Besides, these were pretty scary people! I wasn’t going to flushing tell them no! “It’s said that it’s actually based on older actual Republic military simulation software.”

“No shit?”

“That’s what they say,” I replied. How the poop did this happen to me? “I don’t know for certain but people who should know, real soldiers and cops, say that it is disturbingly accurate.”

“Well, fuck! I had no idea Terran games were this cool! No wonder they took things so seriously,” Lucky said with glee. “So what other games are useful?” she asked as she took out a notepad and pen. She actually started taking pooping notes!

I took a deep breath. When I was a kid I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. This, however, was not what I flushing envisioned!

“It’s quite the list,” I said as I started the first of several "lectures".

***

I was pretty groggy when it was time to go to breakfast. Everyone else had gone ahead by the time I got dressed to my satisfaction. It was hard to make those prison outfits lay straight. The ones they gave me really weren’t designed for someone with a little tail.

I found the cafeteria and got into line. As I was waiting my turn to get my food three humans walked up and one of them shoved me.

“Out of the way, xeno.” this big human woman said with a snarl.

“But I was here first!” Boy were they being rude!

“Do you want a beating, frog? She said as she grabbed me and tossed me aside. I fell to the floor and she laughed.

Suddenly she stopped laughing. When I looked up Lucky was walking up with the rest of my cell mates.

“Like knocking around weaklings?” Lucky said with a grin, “Funny, so do I.”

“Hey, what’s your problem?” the woman said trying to sound confident when she clearly wasn’t.

“That’s my cellmate. That’s my problem.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” the woman said.

“Apologize.”

“What?”

“I said apologize,” Lucky said walking up to the woman. “Now.”

“Sorry,” the woman said in a quiet voice.

“Not to me, bitch, to her,” Lucky said with a snarl.

The woman gave me a nasty look. “Sorry,” she muttered.

“Sorry,” Lucky said loud enough for everyone to hear. “I didn’t quite hear you.”

“Sorry.”

“What? I think I’m a little hard of hearing. What did you say?”

“Sorry!” the woman snarled.

“That’s better,” Lucky said with a smile. “See, it costs nothing to be polite. Now get the fuck out of her way and show her some respect. She’s the real deal, not like you try hard wannabe’s.” They backed off and let me get back into my place in line. If looks could kill I would be a dead Plath.

“Thanks,” I said after I got my food and sat down with my new friends. “That was kinda rough.”

“Yeah,” Lucky said, “There’s always someone like that who likes pushing people around when they think they can get away with it. You gotta let them know you won’t take their shit.” Lucky popped a cherry tomato in her mouth. “Don’t worry about them, just a bunch of pussies.”

“Yeah,” Tizz added, “Not the first time they bullied someone. It’s always some little xeno like us, not someone their own size. That’s how you know they aren’t shit. We little guys stick together so they can’t pull that crap.”

“It doesn’t hurt that we have a Xvli in our corner either, especially Lucky,” Txx-zzu chuckled. “Nobody fucks with Lucky.”

We had a nice breakfast after that. The food wasn’t bad at all. It was the first time I ever had oatmeal! I love oatmeal!

***

A few hours later as they were teaching me a card game I was informed that I had a visitor!

It was my lawyer! Yes! The guys didn’t let me down!

I was led to a room where a long silvery eel like fish was floating in a large spherical tank suspended in some sort of robot. Holy Waters of the Eternal Pond! It was a Kalent, one of the senior races of the Federation!

What was he doing here?

“Hello Sheloran,” he said blowing a few bubbles, “My name is Baxlon and I’ve been sent to help you out of this little jam.”

“How are the guys?” I asked. I was worried about them, being porkies and all.

“Oh they are fine,” Baxlon said. “I was able to spring them. They have to hang around until everything is settled but they are out and worried sick about you. Thank the Gods they don’t know you got put in maximum security!” He pressed his eye against the tank. “How are you holding up by the way?”

“Oh I’m doing fine,” I said, “My cell mates really like me. They think I’m sort of violent terrorist but maybe that’s a good thing?”

“Maybe,” Baxlon said shuddering as he blew a bunch of bubbles. I think he was laughing. “Let me guess, a few of them are from the Federation?”

“Yeah. Did you know they put me on the news?”

“I watched some of it last night,” he laughed, “They really spread it on thick! Don’t worry, I got the actual story from Hollister.”

“Do you think it’s going to be a problem?”

“Probably not… probably. Don’t worry though. We’ll handle it. Hollister hired me for a reason,” he said as he winked. “So I’ve reviewed your case and let me tell you, what a load of bullshit! There is no way that this will hold up. The software and media keys are checking out, just like we knew they would so the big charge is gone. Problem is that for some reason they have a real hard-on for you and they are set on the weapon and they are trying to use that and your entrance interview to press for deportation.”

“Oh no!” I gasped. “I can’t go back! I can’t!”

“Yeah, I saw the Federation videos. There is no way in fuck you will get a fair trial. Don’t worry too much. I’ve cracked deportations with way more evidence than this piddle. Hell, I’ve kept people in the Republic who should have been deported ten times over. I will blow them out of the fucking water over this bullshit. The only problem is that I can’t get you out of here until Monday.”

“Why?”

“I can’t get you before the court before then. That’s where we have a… concern...”

“What do you mean?” I asked with a lump in my throat.

“For some reason a certain judge has called dibs on your case and not just any judge.”

“Judges can do that?”

“Dibs is an important part of Terran culture,” Baxlon replied. “It’s from the Sol Wars and they still take it really seriously. The judge called dibs.” Baxlon turned to look at me with both eyes. “It’s Judge Dredd.”

“Judge Dredd?”

“His Honor Thaddeus Carter… You familiar with the character Judge Dredd?’

“No...”

“His big line is ‘I am the law!’ and that in a nutshell is Judge Carter. He’s been a judge forever, like since before the Sol Wars forever. Every time an organ fails he’s had it replaced with bionics. They say that he actually has multiple AI’s constantly feeding him information 24/7. I don’t doubt it either. His ability to pull up laws and legal precedents is frightening. He’s a tough one. It’s either a really good thing he called dibs or a really bad thing and we won’t know until we get there.”

“Is it going to be ok?”

Baxlon wiggled his body in a shrug. “I’ve tangled with him more than once. He’s tough but one thing about him is that he fucking worships the law. He’s brutal but he is, for the most part, just. And don’t worry, he isn’t as crazy as people think he is… mostly.”

“Mostly!?!?” This didn’t sound good at all. Oh poop this didn’t sound good.

“He’s… very opinionated and free with that opinion. But he does worship the law like it was his God. If I do my homework, which I am, and we have a good chance. Just let me do the talking and we will get through this.”

He paused and looked at me evenly.

“I do need to know a few things so I can get my shit together and don’t lie to me, ok?”

I just nodded.

“That media, is all of it legit and I mean all of it?”

“Yes! I bought all of it!”

“Your zappy burny thingy, do you make them on the side or did you just make the one for yourself?”

“Just the one. I haven’t made any more of them!”

“Good. That makes this a lot easier,” he said with a wink. “Oh, if that is really the case, I want to talk to you about something. This idea you got with the media smuggling… It has fins! I think it can really swim!”

“That’s good?”

“That’s very good. You just have to do it the right way and… work with the right people, people like me for example. You are playing on the thin edge of legal and you need someone who is skilled at, how do I put this delicately… skilled at both sides of that edge. You don’t just need a good criminal attorney you need a good criminal attorney if you get my meaning.”

“Uhh...” I really didn’t get his meaning, not at pooping all.

“What I mean is that what you tried is sketchy as fuck but it is, or can very easily be, completely and totally legal… on this side of the border. You are playing fast and loose with things like terms and conditions though. That may sound like piddly shit but that’s fucking with big media, something you need to be really careful about. They won’t kill you or put you in prison but they can, have, and will take every single credit someone has to their name. Do it right and you can make some real money. Do it wrong and well… you can see what happens,” he laughed as he gestured around with the robot’s arms. “I would like to help you do it right… for a nominal fee, perhaps a percentage?”

The idea made me feel funny. So much was happening at once.

“Don’t worry, your decision won’t affect my work on this case,” he said winking again, “I have both a reputation to uphold and I make a lot of credits working with Hollister and people that he knows. I also understand if you never want to touch something like this again. We can get you out of this mess and back to that coffee shop forever if you want.”

The thought of that didn’t make me feel good at all. The thought of barely scraping by wasn’t the problem. That would definitely be poopy but even worse…

I would go back to being little again, tiny, helpless, pathetic... small. Even in jail I had never felt small, not the way I did every single flushing day before. Oh I had been terrified, bullied, shoved in a cage with real criminals, and tossed across a cafeteria floor but I realized that I never felt pathetic. I never felt small.

I wanted this. I wanted this when I started this whole business and I still wanted it. I just didn’t want it. I needed it. Something had flushing changed somewhere along the line. I wasn’t just a tiny little bank clerk anymore and trying to be a tiny little anything made me flushing miserable, miserable enough to start all of this lunacy. It wasn’t about the credits. They were nice but that wasn’t why I was pooping doing this.

It was really pooping sick but it made me happy. Poop! I was happier in jail staring down the barrel of being deported straight into a flushing life sentence than I was staring down the barrel of a life of being a tiny little pathetic nothing a few months before.

Poop. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking. Had I become a droplet of oil after all? They say that the drop of oil ruins a pool but when the light hits it just right it does make it prettier. A little flash of color for the soul, maybe?

It didn’t really pooping matter. I knew what I wanted, what I flushing needed.

“Ok,” I said with a little squeak. “Let’s make some flushing credits!”