Never Marry a Man With Two Tintins

In the midst of various terrifying delusions, the muddleheaded Cheng Nuo finally cheered up as night arrived..

When he first transmigrated, he had wondered what his purpose for coming here was. Perhaps he was here to save the world or become OP and form a harem? But these dreams were now shattered.

Thinking of how in the future he could only see those gay old men, and that he himself was regarded as a ****ing female, Cheng Nuo had the urge to cry.

Cheng Nuo used dog's tail grass and twine to make a small curvy human figure. He held it in his hand and looked at it for a long time, crying inside, then he hung it upright on the earthen wall.

I might never see a soft and cute girl ever again, is what he thought as he looked at this small grass figure wistfully.

However after he went to the toilet, when he got back he found that the grass figure had been thrown into the fire by Liu Guang.

He looked at the grass figure who was becoming ashes in the fire and couldn't help but sigh, as if he was looking at all of the cute girls heartlessly leaving. He had to admit that in the future he would be more acquainted with Rosie Palmer and her five sisters.

(TN: "Rosie Palmer" - 五指姑娘 - lit. five finger girl. Meaning he will have to get intimate … with his own hand.)

No matter how wonderful the setting of this world is, he is still a man, a male creature! A real man!

Suddenly, he thought of something. Cheng Nuo asked: "Last night, where did you sleep?" Liu Guang had knocked him unconscious and the bed was very small.

Liu Guang awkwardly pointed to the benches. He went to borrow two benches, pushed them together, and slept on them. He was too embarrassed to sleep with his future wife and of course he couldn't let his unconcious future wife sleep on the bench.

Cheng Nuo realized that the ten-year-old kid was at a sensitive age. He was curious about the opposite sex but avoided contact with them as though they were a venomous scorpion … and this fraud actually became the opposite sex!

Therefore, although he saw Liu Guang as just a little boy, they still can't sleep together.

He tried to smile: "Well, I'll sleep on the bench tonight."

"How can that be?!" Liu Guang's emerald eyes widened. "The female should be the one who sleeps on the bed!"

Hearing these words, Cheng Nuo was unable to keep calm. There was no way to vent his anger so finally he just lay down on the bed, staring at the wall. The moon's light shone through a narrow window into the house, leaving a strip of silver on the uneven floor. The house wasn't dark inside. Liu Guang lay down on the bench and soon fell asleep but Cheng Nuo tossed and turned restlessly.

The two benches were too narrow so after a while Liu Guang rolled over in his sleep.

"Bang!"

The sound of Liu Guang falling made Cheng Nuo jump. He sat up and saw that Liu Guang hadn't opened his eyes but his hand fumbled until he found the benches then climbed up and lay down to sleep again.

Cheng Nuo couldn't help but laugh, this is a very mysterious way of sleeping! After a while, Liu Guang fell again with a solid thumping sound. Cheng Nuo really couldn't stand by idly and watch anymore so he walked over to him.

He suddenly realized something: if he really did start to think of himself in the same way that Liu Guang did, would he really become a ****ing female? Maybe the men in this world can give birth? He might have to give birth! He knows that if he woke up Liu Guang, that child wouldn't agree to sleep on the bed so he simply picked him up.

When he picked Liu Guang up, he was stunned. This child was stubborn and fierce, not to mention that he was foul-mouthed, but his thin body was really light. Now that he lay quietly in Cheng Nuo's arms, he looked quite young and innocent in his sleep, really a cute little boy.

Cheng Nuo couldn't help but make his actions very gentle. He put Liu Guang down on the bed then lay down on the outer edge so that he could act as a guardrail.

Unfortunately, Liu Guang's sleeping posture was really bad. Cheng Nuo thought that he probably used to fall off the bed frequently. He had to endure Liu Guang using him like a pillow. Liu Guang's arms and legs wrapped around Cheng Nuo. The boy's body temperature was higher than his which, in this kind of weather, was simply a catastrophe. Cheng Nuo didn't know when he was finally able to fall asleep. His dreams were also uncomfortable.

The next morning, Liu Guang was extremely embarrassed. He blushed as red as a monkey's buttocks. He stammered: "How, how, am I here?"

Cheng Nuo was suddenly in a good mood. He smiled, revealing a pair of tiger teeth: "Hmm, why don't you guess?"

Liu Guang stared doubtfully at him, his eyes wide, then jumped out of bed as though someone had lit a fire under him. He ran out wearing his straw sandals.

Cheng Nuo fell down laughing. In this ****ing world without females, he had to find his own fun. He made up his mind to create a good relationship with Liu Guang. What the child called "future wife" was mostly something he learned from others. They both had to gradually accept their differences.

As for the two little birds, well, he never saw it. Does that thing really exist?

Cheng Nuo stretched then rinsed his mouth with salt water and washed his face. Liu Guang didn't have anything to wipe his face with here so Cheng Nuo cut out a large piece from his cotton T-shirt to use as a towel temporarily. There was no toothbrush or toothpaste. He would have to find alternatives. There were also other basic daily necessities he needed and he also wanted to find some basic foods.

Seeing that Liu Guang had began preparing the fire in the stove, Cheng Nuo quickly took over the task and urged Liu Guang to clean himself.

The blush on Liu Guang's face had faded. He said impatiently: "Didn't I wash the the day before? It's too troublesome."

Blue veins appeared in Cheng Nuo's forehead and he realized that apart from Bai Rui, most people weren't too keen on hygiene. He patiently explained the importance of washing the face and brushing the teeth. He was quite curious about Bai Rui's origins. How come he doesn't look like a slum dweller?

Liu Guang reluctantly went and sloppily dipped his hands in the water and rubbed his eyes. His manner was very perfunctory. Cheng Nuo had to go over to him and wash his face with that piece of cotton cloth. He grabbed Liu Guang by the shoulder and rubbed his face again and again. Then he put Liu Guang hands in the water and washed them. He said: "This is clean."

His hands were neither light nor heavy. It felt very comfortable and Liu Guang did not resist.

Liu Guang looked at those beautiful, clean hands that were bigger than his, holding his hands. Then he looked up and saw two rows of white teeth as Cheng Nuo smiled dazzlingly. His eyes were bright.

Liu Guang couldn't help but blush. He thought that in the future, even though his future wife was troublesome, it would still be good.

Over the next few days, Cheng Nuo worked hard to adapt to life in this world. He learned to cook simple food, identify edible wild plants, and so on. To his surprise, he found out that the mountain of garbage nearby was actually sent here via the city's spatial magic.

This world's setting is really ****ed up!

Many of the residents in the slums picked up daily necessities, old clothes, and other discarded items from those rubbish heaps. Liu Guang bitterly pointed at the trash: "I heard from the old people that this place wasn't always like this. Now the land is empty of spiritual power. Sooner or later, I will eliminate those city lords!"

Cheng Nuo was shocked by the hatred in his tone. The social system here is somewhat similar to that of a slave society. The city lords and noble families have absolute rights as rulers.

Although it was unfair, he didn't want Liu Guang to have such dangerous thoughts. Throughout the history of the Chinese Empire, many radicals failed to change society. He still wanted Liu Guang to live happily like a normal child.

During the past few days, Liu Guang took care of him. Cheng Nuo unconsciously treated Liu Guang like a younger brother. However, he also understood that although he felt that this world's ways were not correct, it is his views that are not appropriate in this world. He must learn to accept the rules of this world.

Cheng Nuo came to recognize the various children who often came to Liu Guang. One of the little boys, called Cao Tou, was fond of books even though he was illiterate. He had hidden dozens of old books that were thrown away in the garbage dumps. Most of the inhabitants of this world were illiterate. The poor could only learn to read if they joined one of the city lords or local nobles' factions.

Cheng Nuo was overjoyed and borrowed several books from him. After he opened a book, he was extremely happy. The characters in the book were clearly traditional Chinese characters. Cheng Nuo had studied classical Chinese calligraphy during his elementary and junior high school years. He didn't study traditional Chinese in high school but he was still quite familiar with this type of writing.

(TN: Currently, Simplified Chinese characters are favored in mainland China. Therefore, not everyone can read Traditional Chinese characters. Cheng Nuo is explaining here that he can read it.)

Cheng Nuo used a stick to write on the ground to teach Liu Guang some of the simplest words. The boy is undeniably strong but having only brawn with no brains is not acceptable. Reading more books is always good.

Cao Tou, Chang Chun, and the other kids all crowded around them. Liu Guang growled: "Why are you so noisy? My wi- Cheng Nuo is teaching me, why are you here for?"

Cheng Nuo was unaware that he was laughing. He made the boys sit on a some stones in lieu of a bench then, using a piece of wood as a blackboard and a burnt stick as chalk, taught them a few characters. He looked at the row of dirty little faces, crying inside a little. He wondered if he had transmigrated in order to become a village teacher and popularize basic education for the masses.

Liu Guang's head was the lowest among the children. Sitting in the middle, his clean and handsome face was particularly eye-catching. Cheng Nuo couldn't help but laugh.

Pinyin, of course, cannot be taught. In case someone found out about it, how could he explain? Cheng Nuo taught them the 123s and their names. He deliberately wrote Liu Guang's name a lot of times and laughed: "It's a good word, it means light." He pointed at the sun.

Liu Guang looked at Cheng Nuo in a daze. When his future wife smiled, his face seemed to glow. These characters were indeed good characters.

Cheng Nuo wrote his own name on the wooden board: "This is Cheng. This is Nuo. It means a promise worth one thousand in gold. In other words, a promise that must be kept." The two characters were more complicated, but Liu Guang looked at them carefully and almost immediately remembered how to write them.

Cheng Nuo clapped his hands to end the teaching session. It's not good to teach too much on the first day. It's necessary to practice and review the day's lesson.

However, it was still early. Cheng Nuo casually asked these children what their goals were. They didn't know what he meant by "goals" so he had to explain that he wanted to know what they wanted to do or what they kind of person they wanted to become.

Cao Tou whispered: "I want to be a book-writer."

Cheng Nuo quickly encouraged him to do a good job. This was a lofty and great dream for a child from the slums whose access to education was blocked.

However, Cao Tou's next, terrifying sentence shocked him: "I want to sell books for a lot of money then pick up a pretty female."

"…"

As for Chang Chun, he scratched his messy hair and said: "I want to become a thief and snatch a beautiful female."

"…"

A snaggle-toothed boy named Ming Shan smiled and said: "I want to become a rich businessman and then raise a group of beautiful females."

"…"

Cheng Nuo was going crazy. What's going on here? What kind of education do young children here get?! How important is it for a man to take another man as a wife?

It was Liu Guang's turn. He said: "I want to the most powerful leader of a gang of thieves."

There was no need to snatch one since he already had a wife. He glanced at Cheng Nuo.

********

Translator's Notes:

• I think our protagonist decided to mother all of the kids in the slums. What do you think.
• Thanks for reading. Please leave a comment if you can since I love comments. I am currently working alone on this. If you spot an error, I would appreciate it if you could tell me so I can fix it. #LackingAnEditor