Merchant Crab

Balthazar sat by the edge of the water, leisurely swirling the tip of his claw over the pond’s surface, idly musing over his surroundings. It had been days since he had even seen a bird around his pond. Maybe they were migrating, maybe it was Blue scaring them away. Whatever it was, he didn’t care, he was just happy to not see them.

A short distance away, his three carefree companions played around with each other. Bouldy smiled as Blue spread her wings wide, perched up on his shoulder, releasing a screech that would no doubt make any birds who heard it tremble on their tiny little legs. On the golem’s other shoulder, Druma held on to his friend’s neck with one hand, while pumping the other up into the air and jumping up and down, hollering with satisfaction.

The crab chuckled at how easily amused they were, but for some reason, he was also finding himself amused by their joy. It was still a strange feeling to a crustacean that, until just a few short months prior, would have been greatly annoyed at the idea of any loud ruckus disturbing his peace and quiet.

Gazing at the other shore, Balthazar spotted the pond’s newest inhabitant, Henrietta, happily sleeping on a floating lily pad, her neck inflating and deflating slightly with each breath.

Being the one looking after the bazaar at night meant that by the time Balthazar woke up in the morning to start his day, the toad was more than ready to go to sleep herself. She didn’t seem to mind the schedule, however, and business, while still fairly quiet at those hours, had started picking up. According to her, at least two different groups of gnomes had sheepishly come by at dusk to ask if they sold any sugar there, and two nights before, she managed to sell a pair of scissors to some extremely hairy creature she could not name.

All things considered, his business was expanding well. It was just a matter of giving it time and also move forward with his larger plans.

Perfectly on cue, a familiar voice sounded from behind the merchant, stirring him away from his thoughts.

“Hey there, partner!” said a very cheerful Tristan. “I didn’t wake you there, did I?”

“No, no. Of course not,” Balthazar quickly said in a groggy voice as he stood up and turned to his drunken associate. “I was just thinking. Pondering. You know, just pondering on my pond.”

As the crab gave the man a better look, something stood out to him. He was not wearing his usual ragged clothes, full of moth holes and their colors faded from years of overuse. He had on a nicer jacket, with a green handkerchief sticking out of the lapel pocket, and a tight-fitting undercoat vest with most of its buttons straining to keep both sides together.

“You like it?” Tristan asked, noticing Balthazar’s gaze and doing a quick spin with both arms open. “I got the jacket at a second hand sale, good price. The vest is an old piece I had completely forgotten I even had. I haven’t worn it in years, but it still looks pretty good on me, don’t you think?”

The golden crab eyed him up and down once more. “Yes, very… nice.”

Being in a nice mood that morning, Balthazar couldn’t find it in himself to ruin Tristan’s high spirits with a sarcastic comment. It felt almost odd passing up on the opportunity, but it didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would.

“Say, buddy, is Henrietta around here?” the nicely dressed man inquired. Balthazar couldn’t help but notice his speech also seemed far less slurred than usual.

“Yes, she is. Right across the pond, sleeping on that lily pad over there.”

“Oh, right, night shift hours. Damn, I forgot about that,” Tristan said, rubbing one hand down his face.

“Did you… shave?” Balthazar asked, noticing the lack of a five o'clock shadow on his face. “What’s going on with you, Tristan?”

“What? Just trying to look a bit nicer now that my life is finally turning around. I’ve been down in the slumps for too long. It’s about damn time I pulled myself back up onto my feet.”

“Mhmm, right,” said Balthazar with a slow nod. “I’m sure this has nothing to do with impressing a certain innkeeper either, does it?”

“What? No. Well, maybe. What if it does? I’ll have you know she was quite the looker back before… you know, the whole toad thing. And I have faith she will one day go back to be her normal self, with our help, and when she does… well, I’d like her to have a good impression of me.”

Balthazar stared at the smiling man, looking across the water at the lily pads on the other side with a twinkle in his eyes. The crab felt almost… happy for him.

He shook his shell. What a strange day to be feeling so many strange new feelings.

“I think it’s almost the time she usually wakes up for lunch anyway, so go wake her up, I bet she won’t mind,” said Balthazar. “Before you do, however, I got a couple of things I need you to do in town for me.”

“Ah, more tasks for your associate?” Tristan said with a smile, casting his eyes away from the toad and back to the crab. “What do you need me to do?”

“First, I need you to purchase these items from an apothecary.” The golden merchant pulled a folded piece of parchment from between a stack of books nearby that he had been reading earlier.

“No problem, I can do that,” Tristan said, taking the list and quickly looking through it. “Hey, wait, how did you write this with those big pincers of yours?”

“I didn’t. I had an adventurer jot those down for me in exchange for a small discount,” Balthazar explained, while handing him a small coin purse for the purchase. “Second, I want you to go to the town offices and find the man in charge there, Mr. Abernathy.”

“Wow there, partner,” the other said, raising his eyebrows, “what do you want with a tax collector? Usually we merchants try to see them as little as possible.”

If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.

“Yes, I know, but don’t worry, I haven’t lost my mind and decided to suddenly start voluntarily paying taxes to Ardville. He’s also the one in charge of other town matters, is he not? So, since I assume the mayor of Ardville isn’t just about to come down here to talk to a crab, I want to present my offer to Abernathy first, so that he can relay it to the mayor.”

“I see. So this must be about your plan to turn your place here into a trading hub of sorts, right?”

“You got it,” Balthazar said. “So you go up there and let him know Balthazar wants to make a proposal that should interest him. He will remember me.”

“Alright, you got it, partner! I’ll get it done,” Tristan said with a joking salute.

“Oh yes, almost forgot. You take care of these things and I’ll let you have a sip of that Babaurhum you love as usual.”

“No need,” Tristan said with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“I’m sorry, what?” Balthazar asked in disbelief.

“We’re business partners,” Tristan explained. “You don’t need to pay me for each thing like a job. Besides, to be completely honest with you… I’m trying to let go of my bad drinking habits. I’m a new man. I need new habits. Better habits. Like I said earlier, I’ve been in the slumps for too long, most of it drunk out of my mind.” He glanced across the pond again for a moment. “I don’t want that to be how everyone sees me anymore.”

This time, there was no avoiding it. Balthazar really felt happy for the man. What a strange day that was shaping up to be.

“You know what, Tristan? Good for you! Now go on and pay Henrietta a visit. You can take care of these things later when you go back to town.”

“Thanks, Balthazar!”

The crab watched the not-so-drunk-anymore man comb his sleek hair back with one hand, covering his balding spot on the top of his head as best as he could, and walking his way around the pond towards the lily pads.

“Who would have thought, eh?” Balthazar muttered to himself with a chuckle.

Despite all the strange new emotions, he felt like that was perhaps going to be a very nice day after all.

“Excuse me, mister crab?” an irritating voice sounded from inside the bazaar.

“Well, there goes that,” Balthazar said with a roll of his eyes.

The merchant lazily made his way up the steps towards the arriving client.

“Yes, here I am, esteemed adventurer. What will it be?” the crab said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

On the other side of the counter stood a man, in brown robes and a hat that clearly gave him away as a wizard without Balthazar even needing to look through his monocle.

“I’ve been calling for upwards of thirty seconds now,” said the adventurer. “You really should consider putting one of those little bells here on the counter for clients to ring when you’re not nearby.”

“Great idea,” Balthazar said with a sarcastic tone. “That way, I could double the amount of annoyance from adventurers. I will certainly consider doing that.”

The man gave the crab a scowl, but elected not to delve deeper into the matter.

“I have a complaint to make,” he said, leaning on the counter with one arm.

With him being closer and under a brighter light, Balthazar noticed something odd was going on with his face. Other than the stingy airs of a know-it-all, those the crab was certain were a natural thing.

The wizard had a nasty red rash covering most of his face and his eyes were bloodshot and tearful, as if irritated by something.

“I was here a couple of days ago, as I’m sure you remember,” said the adventurer.

“I do not, but go on,” the crab muttered, casually leaning on the counter with one pincer.

“I told you I was going into the eastern parts of the Black Forest, and asked what kind of dangers I should prepare for,” the man continued. “You told me to beware of bears around this time of year, as they would be looking to fatten up for the winter.”

“Oooh, yeah… I think I remember that now.”

“Right, and do you remember what you sold me?”

“Hmm…” Balthazar scratched his chin and looked up. “A bottle of bear repellent, right?”

“Exactly! And look what it did to me!” said the mage, pointing at his own face with ire and a small dose of lunacy in his bloodshot eyes. “Either you sold me a bad product, or you were trying to kill me!”

“Wait, what?!” the confused crab said. “What the hell happened and how is it my fault?”

“I went into the forest, and soon enough I spotted a bear between the trees, stuffing himself with berries from a bush. I took the bottle of bear repellent you so convincingly told me was guaranteed to keep any bear away from me and quickly sprayed myself with it before the bear would catch my scent.” The adventurer’s pitch went higher, and he slammed his fists on the counter. “It was like I had fire ants all over my face! The pain was unbearable!”

Balthazar stared at the wizard with his mouth open in awe.

“You… you sprayed yourself with the bear repellent?” he asked in an incredulous tone.

“Of course! What else was I supposed to do with a repellent? Drink it?!”

“No, you idiot!” Balthazar yelled out. “You’re supposed to spray the bear with it if it comes close to you! It’s meant to repel the bears. It’s not a damn anti-bear perfume!”

“I… Well, it…” the red-faced man stammered. “How was I supposed to know that?! You never told me and the bottle came with no instructions!”

Balthazar slapped the side of his own face with a pincer.

“Oh bakers, give me patience,” he muttered. “People like you are the reason sleep potions have to come with a warning on the side of the bottle telling not to drink them before riding a horse.”

“My magnificent face, it's ruined!” the man cried out in a tantrum. “I swear I even heard the damn bear laughing at me as I ran away! Someone has to take responsibility for that!”

“Yes, you! You literally did that yourself!”

“You, crab, you probably plotted this as some kind of sick joke. Likely because you were so jealous of my looks and my smarts.”

“I can promise you I could not care less about your looks, and even less so about your so-called smarts. That’s as certain as me standing right here on these eight legs.”

“Well, actually,” the suddenly smug mage retorted, “as a crab, you have ten legs, so that’s not even true at all.”

“Oooh, alright, mister smarty robes. You ever seen me walking on these?” Balthazar raised both his iron and silver pincers. “No? Of course not, because they’re arms, not legs! Two arms, eight legs!”

“Doesn’t matter!” the other blurted out in frustration. “What matters is that I demand compensation for the damages I’ve suffered.”

The wizard quickly looked around the bazaar until his eyes landed outside the back exit.

“That!” he exclaimed, pointing at Bouldy who was by the shore, joyfully holding Druma up in the air as he played with Blue, hovering above them both. “I’ll take that golem and we’ll call things even. I might not even make a formal complaint with the guild.”

“I’m not giving you scrap! Certainly not Bouldy. He came with the place. You can go complain to whoever you want. I’m an independent worker and I only answer to myself.”

“Fine, I’ll accept a discount,” the adventurer persisted. “Name your price for the big rock. I’ve decided he will make for a fitting companion. I want it now.”

The petulant wizard pulled a large bag of gold coins from his robe and placed it on the counter. There had to be at least several hundreds of coins in it, if not thousands.

Balthazar looked at the enticing bag. Shiny gold coins. His favorite thing right next to pastries.

He moved his gaze away from the counter and to his three companions happily playing outside.

“You know,” the merchant started, “a different crab, at a different time, might have bartered a deal with you here, but not me. My friends are not for sale. Now get out of my bazaar, you spoiled brat, or I’ll show you my brand new adventurer repellent.”

The crab shoved the heavy bag of money away and left his iron claw open over the counter.

Exhaling loudly, the wizard twisted his bright red face into an expression of scorn and scoffed at Balthazar as he returned the bag to his brown robes.

“You will hear from me again, crab!” he howled on his way out the front door.

“Yes, yes, I’m sure I will,” said Balthazar in a dismissive tone. “Hopefully not any time soon.”