Memory Lost

Chapter 155: King of Guilt

“A few years later when I came back from abroad, Han Chen was already at your side,” his voice is like flowing water, but he says these words very quietly.

Su Mian can’t really imagine what his feelings would be like after growing up from a young boy into a young man.

Perhaps only sorrow is left in the grown-up young boy.

Or perhaps, it’s the beginning of intertwining darkness and light.

The one she loves is the most honest and purest man.

As for him, he stands in the deep end of darkness; the young king of crimes.

They remain quiet for a moment. Su Mian starts to speak, “Therefore, when I entered the seven-member organization as an undercover, you knew my real identity from the start?”

He nods, “I know every minute and every second about you.”

Su Mian feels as if she’s suffocating from repressing her emotions. It turns out that when she sacrificed her life to be an undercover cop, he was simply waiting for her to come.

“Therefore……” her throat is a little dry, “the police’s plan failed because my identity was already exposed earlier on?”

He becomes silent as he wasn’t expecting this question.

“No.”

He smiles and continues to look calm, “The only one I ever lost to is Han Chen. Before the plan, he already knew that your identity was exposed. He continued with the plan anyway. We were going to lose. Just one step away from it.”

Su Mian keeps quiet for a second, “Xu Nan Bai.”

He nods, “Yes, Xu Nan Bai.”

It was this two-faced guy who turned against them, causing the police and the seven-member organization to suffer.

Even though Su Mian isn’t too clear on what happened back then, Han Chen once caused a man like S to admit defeat; it looks like she and Han Chen were only one step short from winning.

Su Mian suddenly remembers Han Chen’s words. He said: I was young and an idiot, that’s why I lost you. I’m sorry to you.

Han Chen, we both don’t remember it. You never lost me; you’ve never disappointed anyone.

We were so close to being together.

Su Mian can feel pain surging up in her body. She closes her eyes and reopens them. A certain thought in her mind is becoming clearer and clearer. It will ruthlessly force her to confront it soon.

She asks, “I lost my memory and my identity was switched. Were these all due to your arrangement?”

Whenever she’s quiet, the man in front of her would wait patiently like this. It’s as if he’s also thinking back about that grief-stricken past.

He lights up another cigarette, inhales from it, and answers softly, “Yes. Xin Jia’s medicine paralyzes nerves causing damage to memory. It’s just that I didn’t expect Han Chen to charge in.”

Su Mian looks down at the ground and stares at her blurry shadow. It’s finally clear. It wasn’t an accident; it was a planned switch. The five years that was stolen from her started then.

“I want to start over with you,” he says each word slowly and clearly carrying a hint of sorrow, “If one day, I’m no longer a criminal, you never lost your dad and you’re not the girl seeking revenge. If you and I were to meet again, would everything be different?”

He turns his head and looks at her with his warm eyes clear like water. Su Mian can only feel unstoppable pain. Tears that she thought she would never shed, flow down her cheeks.

He continues staring at her with gentle and pitiful eyes, “Don’t cry, Su Mian. I just don’t want to give up. It’s just that I’ve walked many paths, and I still want to turn around and ask you: would you be willing to leave with me? Would you be willing to return and be in the center of us?” His voice becomes slower as he speaks clearer, “You forgot about me, forgot about us, and forgot about this relationship. How should my life continue, and how should it end?”

Su Mian lifts up her hands to cover her eyes.

“No,” her voice says almost chokingly, “You’re not S. It’s not you.”

At this instant, this closed off and gloomy underground room suddenly becomes especially quiet. Tears are dripping through the slits of her fingers, but she presses her lips together stubbornly. Yet the man in front of her is staying still with a cigarette between his fingers.

“How could he not be me?” he asks.

Su Mian lowers her hands and places them onto the armrests. She isn’t showing much of an expression, but her eyes are red. She looks like a cub who has been provoked and deeply hurt by someone but unable to release her anger.

“The seven-member organization doesn’t do unnecessary things. From the explosion incidents in the beginning, everything that you guys have been doing is for one hidden goal,” her voice is cold like the coolness of the underground, “And up to today, letting us see S’s room and all these things you’ve said to me. Linking back to the passwords, the letters, the dancing……your goal is very obvious——it is to awaken the memories from the past.”

She lifts her eyes to look at him. Her gaze is complicated carrying a hint of pain, “If it’s to awaken my memories, there’s no need to wait for today. Furthermore……if you were S, you probably wouldn’t want to awaken my memories. And you said just now that he wants to start over with me.”

The man stares at her without a word. Su Mian breathes in slowly. She can hear how dry and cracking her voice is. But in her heart, that feeling of dull pain comes again.

“Therefore, the memories that you want to awaken is of another person. It’s S’s memories.”

In the silence, Su Mian can hear her heart beating. She directs her gaze slowly to the side and toward another person in that pitch black room. Despite she can’t see him, she knows that he’s been listening.

Just like her, he’s been listening attentively to S’s memories.

“Tell me then, who is S?” the man looks at her.

Su Mian doesn’t speak. Tears flow from her eyes. She wipes them away with her hand.

“Who is it?” he puts the cigarette out and pressures her to answer.

“That’s enough, R.”

A slightly raspy yet familiar voice says crisply. It’s coming from the darkness not far away from her. Tears immediately sting her eyes, and then she hears him say slowly, “You don’t need to say anymore. I remember everything.”

R stands up.

Su Mian sits still like a statue.

Everything seems to happen like a muted dream. He comes out of the room. His facial features are handsome, he’s tall and thin. He’s wearing a light-colored jacket as usual, a white shirt, and a pair of long black pants. There’s a little bit of dust and dirt on his face from traversing the underground. He lifts his eyes, those clear and pitch black pupils, and looks at her quietly.

Just like when they first met; just like the warmth that has accompanied her throughout these years.

Su Mian feels emotions surrounding her like a vast sea. Her tears have already become dry. She stares at the familiar yet unfamiliar face and figure. But many things come to her mind. It turns out that many clues and many hints have revolved around this man in front of her. They’re like a web entangling and spreading out.

Five years ago, she was in an accident; four years ago, she woke up. A year later, this man came to her side.

He has always accompanied her, but never stayed too close. He has always been by himself. Even she has never been able to truly enter his world.

Therefore, several months ago, T refused to speak of the truth even before his death. He said: I cannot tell you.

……

Ever since the incidents caused by the seven-member organization, Han Chen said that finding the connection between the cases would lead them to find the truth. She once thought that the connection was her. But now that she thinks about it, he has also been connected to each and every case. He’s always been put in a life and death situation!

The seven-members’ invitation letter: On the 7th day at the 7th hour and 7th minute, we will come. She will see it, the Black Shield Team will see it, and he will also see it.

Explosion, wax figure, and heart extraction. Rather than saying A, L, and R wanted to put on a performance, it seemed more like they wanted others to know of their existence. They wanted him to see and know that they exist.

The night that L sent the dancing video, she tossed and turned in bed. Didn’t he also smoke by himself standing in the cold wind all night? What was he thinking then? Was he also thinking about the empty spot to the right? Thinking that there should be someone standing there? L was dancing for him.

And every password represented the spirit of the seven-member organization. They were also based on mathematics and philosophy, which he is most familiar with. Although memories can be lost, knowledge and experience can’t. Therefore, they were summoning him once again.

They then kidnapped him and Zhou Xiao Zhuan forcing her to make a decision. It wasn’t done for her, it was done for him. It was so that he would be given up by her, letting him feel the pain of being left behind……

In the end, today has come. With R narrating their past, it felt so real for her, so how could he not……wake up?

They desire for him, and they’ve been protecting him. They showcase themselves time and time again waiting for him to return. They’ve been perfect every time; they’ve been keeping a secret every time. Did the deaths of T, Xu Nan Bai, and Xin Jia grieve them? Or did her and Han Chen’s reunion and determination to find out the truth with him stepping back made them feel that they could no longer hide? Therefore, they started the reincarnation of memories?

……

Su Mian suppresses her endless emotions and stares into his eyes. Right now, do those eyes belong to Xu Si Bai, or do they belong to S?

Xu Si Bai is standing in the hazy light. He stares at the woman in front of him, and tears slowly flow from his eyes.

It turns out.

It turns out that this is his and her past.

He’s been in love with her for half of his life.

R’s words and R’s performance recalls too many blurry images and memories. And the most memorable event was the poison gas explosion in the room.

Su Mian, in the poison gas room at the time, it wasn’t just you and Han Chen inside. There was one more person who willingly went in. You only see Han Chen in front of you, and you only look at him. In these years, you’ve been chasing him in your dreams with all your effort, but you never see me who was lying down behind you at the time.

I forgot my name and my past; I forgot my comrades and beliefs.

I was lost and confused. In my usual dark life, only a small light from the sun and the bright moon were left.

I continued on with my dull and quiet life, waiting for you to appear.

I’ve finally become the kind of person that you would want, but you still don’t belong to me.