Maybe a Fake Gintama

Chapter 569: The Galactic Wanderer's Stay

Previously in our story—

Breasts are the righteous path of the world!

Big breasts are wealth! Undoubtedly!

In the Edo period, within the Shogunate, there was a powerful faction that supported politics by dispatching assassins and nurturing breasts. Its name was—

"Shut up!!" Gintoki and Shinpachi simultaneously flew over and kicked Kawaki to the side.

"What are you doing?" Kawaki rubbed his head, struggling to get up, "I was just explaining the worldview of our story to any new readers who might be here."

"Except for the word 'Edo,' everything else is made up! It's all your delusions!" Shinpachi pointed at Kawaki, veins bulging on his forehead, eyes red with anger. "Is this the time to be saying such things?! The Earth is about to be doomed!"

"I really shouldn't have lent you the DVD of 'Magic Secret Sword.'" Gintoki sneered disdainfully.

"You're the culprit?!" Shinpachi ranted loudly, spitting as he spoke.

As soon as Shinpachi finished speaking, Gintoki and Kawaki, with kunai stuck in their foreheads, simultaneously rolled their eyes and fell straight to the ground.

"Stop fooling around, we still have serious matters to attend to." Tsukuyo crossed her arms with one hand, lightly pinching her pipe with the other, exhaling a puff of smoke.

"As expected of the strongest woman in the Magic School..." Kawaki murmured, rolling his eyes.

"Who's that kind of woman?!" Tsukuyo yelled, her eyes wide.

Seeing Kawaki and Tsukuyo arguing again, Shinpachi tried to mediate, "Let's not argue during this crisis, Kawaki-san, Tsukuyo-san."

Saying this, Shinpachi crouched down and pulled the towel out of Sakamoto's mouth, asking again, "Sakamoto-san, why do you know about Renpou's plan?"

"Hahaha, hahaha..." Sakamoto giggled, responding, "We are the Quick Response Team that travels the universe. Knowing this information is natural. Besides, I'm the one who sent those monsters to Earth. Hahaha..."

Instantly, Kawaki and the others' faces turned dark expressionless as they stared at the still-laughing Sakamoto.

—Flashback to Sakamoto's Memory—

"Quick Response Team Log, X Month X Day.

We welcomed a high-ranking official from a particular country to discuss matters on our ship..."

Holding a vomit bag, Sakamoto, with a pale face, occasionally threw up. Behind him, Mutsu sat on a cushion, while across the table sat Renpou's actual manager, Midakuma, dressed in a black suit contrasting with Elizabeth's usual white suit.

"Alright, I understand." Sakamoto, vomiting for an hour, reached out and shook hands with Midakuma, "Deal is done."

"Huh?" Mutsu, behind Sakamoto, was momentarily confused.

"In an hour of silent discussion, the deal was made."

Watching Midakuma leave slowly, Mutsu asked Sakamoto, "Hey, Sakamoto, is this really okay? Who exactly is that guy?"

"Hahaha, nothing to worry about." Sakamoto laughed it off, "We've already shown each other our inner secrets."

"No, you're the only one who did."

"Although I don't quite understand, it seems like we're supposed to deliver goods to Earth." Sakamoto explained.

Seeing the horde of Elizabeths approaching under the guidance of Quick Response Team members, Mutsu commented, "Calling them goods, they're more like a bunch of strange creatures. When did he even say those words? All I heard was his breathing."

"When you went to the bathroom." Sakamoto explained, pulling out a board with a picture of Earth crossed out, "He showed me this board."

"That's... a cross on Earth."

"It probably means there's a crisis approaching Earth," Sakamoto analyzed, pulling out another board showing Midakuma embracing Earth with open arms. And they seem to want to protect Earth from this crisis."

"Is that so? They seem more like they're planning something else." Mutsu retorted coldly.

"To do so, they first need to send their pets to Earth as watchdogs." Sakamoto pulled out another board, which showed countless Elizabeths chasing panicked Earthlings.

"Calling them watchdogs, they seem more like they're attacking people."

"Pets and their owners like to cause trouble while walking~," Sakamoto said nonchalantly, tears of emotion streaming down from behind his sunglasses, "I'm so moved, I can't stop crying... Σ_(」∠)vomit..."

Watching Sakamoto vomiting on the ground, Mutsu retorted again, "Those aren't tears, right?"

Still wiping his mouth, Sakamoto stood up, "I didn't expect such Earth-loving aliens. Our mission as the Quick Response Team is to find a way for Earthlings and aliens to coexist peacefully through trade."

Sakamoto pulled out a membership card for the Earth's Smile Bar from his pocket, saying, "And we can also collect points from Earth's nightclubs. Who else would make this deal if not me? Let's go! To the mother planet! Smile... Earth! Earth's future is bright! Wait for me, A'Liang! Hahaha, hahaha..."

—End of Flashback—

"Hahaha, hahaha..."

Seeing Sakamoto still giggling on the ground, Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Kawaki simultaneously kicked him again, roaring angrily, "What's so bright?!"

"It's all because of you that Earth is in darkness!" Gintoki yelled, his eyes white with anger.

"What have you done?!" Shinpachi pointed at Sakamoto, still being trampled by Kawaki, spitting as he ranted, "You brought spies to invade Earth! You went to a nightclub and brought about Earth's destruction! They were suspicious from the start! Everything about them is suspicious! Kawaki-san, stop! You're going to break him! Sakamoto-san might be an idiot, but if you keep bending him like that, he'll snap! And Sakamoto-san, how flexible are you?!"

"Has he always been like this?" Tsukuyo pointed at Sakamoto, asking Mutsu beside her.

"Yes." Mutsu nodded slightly, then pointed at Kawaki, "And him?"

"No difference." Tsukuyo replied indifferently.

"Trading involves being skeptical of others," Sakamoto explained, "But my trading starts with trusting others. Ouch! It's going to snap! Kawaki! My waist... my waist is going to snap! Ouch—!!"

"It starts with seasickness and ends with seasickness." Shinpachi retorted mercilessly.

"This guy's job is to transport pathogens from space to Earth using his groin." Mutsu said coldly.

"Hahaha, Mutsu, I'll kill you. Ouch—! It hurts, it hurts! Stop! It's snapping, really snapping!"

With a snap, Sakamoto rolled his eyes and fell silent.

"It's okay now." Kawaki clapped his hands and stood up.

"What's okay? It's over, right? Sakamoto-san's life and groin are both over." Shinpachi adjusted his glasses and retorted expressionlessly, looking at Sakamoto with his legs tied behind his head.

"Something felt wrong, and after investigating, it turned out to be like this." Mutsu said solemnly, closing her eyes.

At this moment, Fujiko, who had been looking around the ship, realised, "Speaking of which, I didn't notice when boarding, this is the ship from back then."

"Now, on Earth, because of the seeds we sent and the scouts planted, everyone has turned into Elizabeths and can't speak." Mutsu's expression grew more serious, "But that's just the first stage of their plan. They intend to blunt Earth's information network and launch a full-scale attack. We must stop them. No, just touching your conscience will make you realize we have a duty to do so."

"What does it have to do with us?!" Gintoki ranted angrily, veins bulging, "It's basically all your fault!"

"There's no time to complain. The only ones who can stop them are us here." Mutsu replied.

"I see," Fujiko said, arms crossed, eyes closed, "This ship carries the last hope of warriors, like Noah's Ark."

"No, my conscience says there's no guilt even if we ignore it." Kawaki placed one hand on his chest and raised the other slightly, speaking casually, "And... I'm not a warrior. So, if there's nothing else, give me the memory-erasing drug. I'm going back."

"Wait a minute, Kawaki." Having reset his waist, Sakamoto stood up and addressed Kawaki and Gintoki, "Kintoki..."

"I told you, my name's not Kintoki..." Gintoki said impatiently.

Sakamoto looked at Katsura, who was snoring with drool from a dozen Elizabeths around him, "And Zura, it's no coincidence you boarded this ship. The only idiots who can fight aliens are you."

"It's not a coincidence," Kawaki squinted, tilting his head, smiling coldly at Sakamoto. It's your fault I came here."

"Hahaha," Sakamoto, remembering something, proudly rubbed the back of his head. It was well written, right? I heard it sold well, and there are plans to make it into a movie. Hahaha..."

Boom! Kawaki grabbed Sakamoto's head and slammed it against the window, gritting his teeth, "Do you want to die in space, you bastard?!"

"Hahaha, I just wrote down what your ex-girlfriends said." Sakamoto explained.

"Do you think I believe that?!"

"The third part, I don't know where it came from, but the first two are true." Mutsu raised her hand.

"Those two damned women...!" Kawaki's expression turned fierce again, his fists cracking.