Chapter 40 The First Cry
Chapter 40 The First Cry
Thank you.
With those words of gratitude, Bianca managed to slowly part her lips.
Having regained her emotions over the past three years, Bianca had come to know both suffering and pain.
Yet, it was only now that she realized her entire past was riddled with agony.
A cursed child, born from the death of her mother.
Because of that, Bianca was ostracized in Hardenhartz and eventually used as a tool for a political marriage.
Her childhood was tainted with nothing but misery.
I didnt know when I was without emotions, but those were indeed painful experiences. Thats why I didnt really care about the family. I didnt care if such a family, which only gave me pain, was ruined.
As she spoke, the corners of her lips slowly lifted.
But then, the words my sister said while hiding me that day caught hold of me.
Blood trickled from Biancas lips as she spoke.
Kraush hesitated but she continued speaking, despite the dripping blood, as if there was no one else to hear this story.
That day, I didnt understand what my sister meant. She said she hated me yet did not hate me, that she hated herself for hating me. She said I wasnt someone who deserved to be hated.
It was an expression of emotions that were beyond comprehension.
Like human beings that couldnt be defined by just one attribute, emotions couldnt be defined simply either.
Emotions were always a tangle of contradictions.
You could hate someone with all your might, yet somewhere inside, you still hold them close.
Emotions couldnt be expressed in just one way.
Until I regained my emotions, I didnt understand the meaning of her words. Neither did I understand how difficult it was to divide emotions into simple binaries. My sister must have felt the same.
Jenica hated Bianca.
But she also loathed herself for not being able to help hating her.
Jenica had lost her mother at a young age, and the only target for her misdirected emotions was Bianca.
Even knowing Bianca was blameless, Jenica couldnt erase that vague resentment.
Thus, she loathed herself terribly.
Thats why she confessed the truth to Bianca at the end.
I hate you yet I do not.
The one I hate is myself for hating you.
You do not deserve to be hated.
And with those contradicting feelings, she hid Bianca that day and took her own place in death.
Emotions definitely meant pain for me.
A world full of agony.
Yet, this world was not the grey she had once seen when she was devoid of emotions.
Painful it may have been, yet for the first time, her life found a driving force to move forward.
Perhaps that was the combustion of the emotion known as vengeance.
But still, worse than such pain was the curse.
Tears flowed down, tracing the curve of her lips.
Mr. Kraush.
Kraush looked at her.
Right now, I feel freer than when I was cursed.
Kraush couldnt fully understand her words.
After all, he hadnt lived the same life as she had.
The Snow Doll curse which had afflicted Bianca was long since devoured by Kraushs other curses.
Therefore, he couldnt comprehend what it meant to be without emotions.
So, I wonder. If I had understood emotions a little earlier, would I have spoken more with Jenica? Would I have mourned our mothers deathwhich I never sawtogether with my brother and father, and tried to move past the grief?
Bianca was unaware of her emotions.
Thus, she defined Jenicas complex emotions towards her as simple hatred.
Its all unknown. Truly, I have no idea. Back then, I was akin to a suppressed doll. Yet, maybe the mere fact that such thoughts occur to me now is because I possess emotions.
Inside her crumbling smile.
Yet, no matter what else
She slowly closed her eyes.
Being engaged to you Mr. Kraush, maybe I couldve, um, been better, sometime maybe
Those were Biancas last words.
Tears streamed down along with her final breath, and her eyes slowly closed.
Kraush, watching this, spoke out.
Bianca.
There was no response.
That was Biancas end.
Down her closed eyes, tears slowly trickled, reaching her frozen legs.
Kraush slowly approached.
And then he pulled a small dagger from his pocket.
Crack, crunch
Kraush broke the ice encasing her with the dagger.
His hand numb with frostbite and pain, but he didnt care.
When Bianca collapsed into his arms after a while of breaking the ice, Kraush carried her:
He placed her body upon the bed.
Silence filled the room.
As he collapsed in front of it, Kraush closed his eyes quietly.
Damn it.
Realizing anew just how rotten the world could be.
The Bianca of his memories was no more.
NOTE: Switch to present time
Instead, the current Bianca was there before him.
The Bianca of that day, whom he could still make happy.
Thats why Kraush kept her beside him.
He once owed her his life.
Hence, Kraush did the things he couldnt do for her before.
Just as she had wished in her last wordsto engage more fully as her betrothedKraush stayed with Bianca.
And undoubtedly, the nature of his relationship with Bianca was different now.
As she had said, Kraush thought they got along pretty well.
At home, emotions were always deemed unnecessary.
Biancas voice quietly echoed.
Compared to then, it was still young and nave.
But when Im by your side, Mr. Kraush, its different.
By Kraushs side, Bianca gradually changed.
Being near him, she became curious about emotions and felt at peace.
Where no one hated her, and where someone treated her warmly.
That was what home was supposed to be:
A place where she didnt fear tomorrow and could sleep in peace.
For Bianca, that place was right by Kraushs side.
When Im by your side, Mr. Kraush, I find it painful that my face and heart dont move.
She wanted to smile with him when he laughed.
Cry with him when he was sad.
Get angry with him when he was angry.
But she couldnt do any of that.
Her curse wouldnt allow her to feel emotions.
With others, I thought it was better not to have any emotions.
Emotions that brought nothing but pain were happier gone.
But in front of you, Mr. Kraush, I wish to feel.
However, with just one person.
In front of him, it was different.
I want to get angry, cry, and laugh for you.
And yet, she helplessly shook her head.
But I dont want you to lose your emotions, Mr. Kraush. I dont want to see you become like me. If you dont laugh, then I dont want to, either.
Contradictory thoughts.
But Bianca could speak no other way.
Therefore, holding onto Kraushs hand, she slowly bowed her head.
She knew all too well that her contradiction was an unsolvable problem.
Dont worry.
At that moment, startled by Kraushs voice, Biancas shoulder twitched.
A curse doesnt backfire on those who arent its target. Even If I take on your curse, my emotions wont disappear. Im an expert when it comes to curses. You can trust me.
After all, he would not be affected by a mere Snow Doll curse.
He had withstood and even handled far worse curses.
With Kraushs words, Bianca slowly raised her head.
She felt an unbearable urge to burst with the emotions her expressionless face was concealing.
Even if selfish, it was fine.
For Kraush was the sort of person who would accept even that selfish part of her.
So then.
Mr. Kraush, please.
This moment.
At least for this moment.
May her expressionless facade vanish.
To thank him for saving her with a smile.
To be angry at how hurt he got because of her.
To cry for the trouble she caused.
The Snow Doll.
Assuredly it was a curse that negated emotions.
But in fact, the curse of the Snow Doll was closer to suppressing them than erasing them.
It was a curse that almost completely repressed ones ability to feel.
Thats why people thought Bianca was devoid of emotions.
But in this moment her emotions were.
Overflowing to a degree that even the Snow Doll couldnt suppress them.
Please, bring back my emotions.
With that, Biancas words ceased.
Having heard it all, Kraush lifted the hand that Bianca had held.
You dont even need to ask.
In front of Kraushs eyes, Bianca came into view.
The girl with snow-white hair, forever expressionless.
Despite her young age, her exquisite looks made her impassive face all the more prominent.
Those younger days came flooding back.
Kraush thought even he would think she was pretty if the girl would just smile.
But in the end, he never saw Bianca smile.
Only witnessed her meeting the end amidst deep sorrow.
What if gaining emotions and experiencing them firsthand would let me know which is more painful?
He remembered Bianca, who wanted to know the severity of suffering through emotions.
But she was no longer here.
Only
Now there was Bianca, who yearned for happiness through emotions.
This was the future he had changed through his return.
A future that Kraush could offer her, now that she understood the contradictions of emotions.
Kraushs Black Hood revealed Biancas dial.
It was always my intention.
[To become Biancas most important person.]
The final dial.
[Conditional target]
[Kraush Balheim]
Click
The dial was already open.
Crack Thud
And then, teardrops began streaking down Biancas eyes.
These werent tears from something in her eyes but from sorrow welling up.
The tears kept flowing unrestrainedly, like a broken faucet.
Biancas face slowly transitioned into a sobbing expression.
Having lived her life without expression, it seemed awkward for her, but one thing became clear.
Hic, sob, Mr. Kraush, Im sorry. Im sorry its because of me. My apologies. What about your arm, what to do
For a distant future where she wouldnt have to cry,
So that she could shed all the tears she might have during her lifetime, today.
Cry all the tears you couldnt cry in your lifetime, right here.
Bianca buried her face in Kraushs modest embrace.
Quietly, Kraush cradled her head gently.
That warmth was the most comfortable thing Bianca had ever felt.
On that day, the girl cried her very first tears in this world.
A cry that should have been ushered in under everyones blessings,
Resounded within the warmth of a single person.