How To Raise Your Regressor

...

Yikes.

They say puns are the lowest form of humour, so I suppose it's only up from here.

Well, that's how it usually is.

I'm 98% sure that even if my current situation seems like absolute rock bottom to me, these stupid assholes will find new and innovative ways to dig even deeper.

That's the one thing these motherfuckers are truly capable of.

"You need therapy," Jennifer sighed at my joke. "I actually know a pretty good therapist. I'll book a session for tomorrow."

Whoa, stop there for a minute, Noelle 2.0.

The last thing I need is to get enrolled into therapy sessions just because I joked about killing myself.

Like, seriously, these guys need to stop, take deepthroat some oxygen and chill. Not everyone who laughs about killing himself actually goes through with it.

Well, I mean, I WILL kill myself, but they just got lucky in my case.

Normally, the number of people who commit die is lower than those who joke about it.

Normally.

"My last therapist told me that I was beyond any help, so I advise against bothering your good friend."

This, of course, isn't bullshit.

My therapy sessions usually end in two ways; either the therapist just gives up all hope and leaves their profession to pursue their dreams of committing mass genocide, or I end up hiding everything and they tell me that they tell me that they cannot help me like this and such bullshit.

Of course, exceptions exist.

"Ah, yes, a 12-year-old boy was diagnosed as 'beyond help' by a professional psychologist."

Well, if she puts it like that.

"She also committed suicide soon after so, um, I would prefer that you do not insult her."

This isn't bullshit either. Surprisingly, I know.

But her suicide wasn't directly related to me.

There were several factors involved, including betrayal, breakup, death of loved ones, et cetera. It was almost like the entire world was trying to push her off the edge.

And unfortunately, the world succeeded.

She was a genuinely good person, and a much better friend than what a piece of shit like me deserved. Even I got a bit sentimental when she chose to end her life like that.

The thing, however, that still bothers me till this day is the fact that she actually turned up at my door right before going to the building she jumped off from.

As I saw her forced, perfect smile; the one she reserved only for her patients, I immediately knew that she was more down than usual.

I knew she was struggling mentally and socially, so I straight up asked.

But she masterfully put me off and assured me that she was really alright and that it would go away soon, and even if I wasn't truly convinced, I chose to trust her.

I naively believed that given the depth of our friendship, she would, at the very least, consult me on the best methods before taking such a big leap.

The sad, yet strangely content smile she gave me before she left is burned in the deepest depths of my memories.

I still wonder; was her smile a silent cry for help, or was it her final farewell?

What would have happened had I stopped her that day? What if I hadn't misjudged the strength of our friendship and forced her to reveal everything that she had buried deep in her heart?

What if I had been a better friend, a friend that she could actually rely on?

What if... I had been there for her?

These are the questions I still wonder about till this day.

Now, don't get me wrong, I did resurrect her because I'm the motherfucking Origin who has his principles, but I never got around to asking those questions.

I simply could not.

Rather, it was her who blasted me in the face with a barrage of questions, like how did I bring her back to life and all those generic questions.

And I truthfully answered her. That was the least I could do.

However, even though I had resurrected her right away, death had still changed her.

She regretted taking her life. In fact, according to her, she regretted it the moment she took that leap, and that's why she was glad that I gave her a second chance.

She was truly glad.

Well, that's what I'd like to believe anyway.

Interestingly enough, that was one of the very few times where I worked hard to stay ALIVE (unbelievable, I know, but trust me bro).

I wanted to be there for her right till the very end; I owed her that much.

She died at the ripe old age of 87, surrounded by the people she loved, which, surprisingly enough, also included me.

I was genuinely surprised that she was able to put up with me for all those years.

And I was even more surprised- baffled out of my goddamn mind, actually- when with her last breath, she thanked me for everything I had done for her.

She truly was much more than I ever deserved, or will ever deserve.

"Oh... I'm sorry," Jennifer apologised, her tone a bit meek.

Story time's over, I guess.

"Don't worry about it."

Though I do wonder what that troublesome woman is doing nowadays; not jumping off buildings, I hope.

I did offer her immortality, but she rejected it. She wanted to return to the cycle of life and death and experience, with her own soul, everything the Universe had to offer, or something like that.

I did tell her that was not how it worked because she will lose the memories of her previous life whenever she reincarnated into a new life, but apparently, she was fine with it. She even declined the option of signing up as a professional transmigrator, as I had hoped she would.

Her choice didn't really make any sense to me, but then again, I have never been the best at relating with normal mortals.

Oh well, let's just look forward to the day of our reunion.

Also, I just realised that Jennifer actually believed me when I told her that my former psychologist is ded.

I probably shouldn't be saying this, but hadn't I just proven myself to be a liar?

Believing me right away wasn't the most tactical decision on her part.

Another possibility is that my stupid, shit body acted up again and projected my emotions right on my face.

Wow.

"Anyway, it's getting pretty late," I continued. "I'm exhausted and would like some sleep, so if you don't have anything you need me for, just point me to my accommodations."

"Fair enough," Jennifer nodded and snapped her finger.

The next moment, the cranky receptionist from before opened the door.

"Show Samur to his room," Jennifer said.

"Right away. Please follow me, Samur."

"Alright," I picked up my bag and made my way out of my room. "Nighty night, Ms. Jennifer."

"Night. Breakfast is at 7."

What the fuck?

"Breakfast is for nerds."

No way am I going to wake up that early.

"No wonder you are so scrawny."

"Scrawny is the new sexy."

"Children aren't supposed to be sexy," Jennifer sighed. "During your stay at the Old Blood Guild, you will have a hearty breakfast every morning. That's a rule every member has to follow."

Hot damn.