How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 73: Night Of The Living Zombers

There was a mad rush as everyone grabbed their weapons. I already had mine in my hand so I was ready. Kind of. 

I had played a lot of video games where you killed zombies. I had also watched many zombie movies. So, I had a rough idea of what to expecthitting them in the head was the only way to stop them, and if they bit you, you turned into onebut did those rules apply here?

You also had to take into consideration which type of zombie we were dealing with. The slow, weak ones that overwhelmed you with numbers? The fast crazy ones who ran up walls? Neither would be fun, but the slower ones at least gave you the option to run away.

Was it even a zombie Flossie had seen?

Everyone started asking Flossie what exactly she had encountered, which only made her more flustered. A low moan shut them all up.

Nnnnnghhhhh.

We all pointed our weapons in the direction of the noise. And then the answer to all our questions came shuffling into camp, dragging one leg, arms reaching out ahead of it. The good news was that it appeared to be on its own.

It looked how you would imagine a zombie to look. Flesh hung off it in stringy clumps. In some places the skin was stretched so thin, holes had appeared showing the bones beneath. On the right side of its face, the jawbone and teeth were completely exposed. The nose was completely missing and it had no eyelids, making its eyes bulge in their sockets, and patchy hair sprouted from the top of its head. It was, however, quite smartly dressed. Buttons all done up and clothes nicely matching.

The zombie stopped when it saw us and looked around, awkwardly moving its neck from side to side. 

Oh, he said in a slightly high-pitched voice. I do apologise, I didnt realise there was anyone here. I dont want to intrude. Ill see myself out. He started to turn around, one degree at a time like a tanker turning at sea.

Wait, I said. Arent you a zombie?

His shoulders hunched up and he stopped moving.  Slowly, the zombie turned back. Its hard to read facial expressions when half the persons face is missing. At first I thought the scrunched up features indicated great pain. Then I realised he was offended.

Is there really need for that sort of language? Were just people trying to live our lives. Theres no need for name calling.

So you arent undead?

The zombies body went limp, and his arms fell to his side. Ugh. Of course not. What does that even mean? Undead? Its not even a real word. How can you un-dead anything? It makes no sense.

Well, said Maurice, theoretically, a necromancer can

The zombie raised a hand. Please keep your racist theories to yourself. Yes, I have a skin condition that makes me look a little different, but in here he tapped his chest with a bony finger (and I mean very bony) beats a heart just like yours.

I would have found it easier to believe him if every tap on his chest hadnt produced a hollow thud like the slamming of a coffin lid. The way he was going on about his skin condition, youd think he was talking about a little eczema. 

This disease, is it contagious? I asked.

You people, he said with great disdain. No, youre perfectly safe. Its called zombidermisyes, I know, thats where the name comes from, but please refrain from using it. Its not a cute nickname, its very offensive. Zombie this and zombie that. We have names, you know. Mine is Jespert. How do you do? 

We all introduced ourselves, somewhat sheepishly.

See how easy that was? All we want is to live our lives, raise our families and be happy. Just like everyone else. But because of the way we look, people assume were evil and want to murder everyone. As soon as they see us, the name calling begins. Can you imagine what its like for our shilfren. Nnnnnghhhhh.

He suddenly grabbed his jaw with his hand.

Are you alright?

Nnnnggghhh.

I braced myself. Was he losing control? Were tentacles about to sprout out of his head? He seemed perfectly rational, but that didnt mean he wouldnt attack us. 

Toothache. He poked at his teeth. Through the holes in his cheek. Receding gums. Makes the teeth very sensitive.

Receding was a gross understatement. He had no gums.

Thats why Im out here. Theres a herb called clovis that helps ease the pain. It grows in these woods; a little blue flower. He looked around like he might spot it.

Wouldnt it be easier to look during the day? asked Claire.

It would, but sunlight plays havoc with my skin. And no, that doesnt mean Im a vampire, either.  He rolled his eyes, which was unsettling. By the looks of you, youre visitors, right? Arrived fairly recently?

We all nodded.

I understand. It cant be easy finding yourselves in a new world where everything looks strange and scary, but please, dont judge people purely on the way they look and unfounded rumours. Take the time to make up your own mind, thats all I ask. Prejudice is a terrible thing.

I think we all felt suitably chastened and mumbled our apologies.

Ill leave you to it then. Have a good evening. He started to turn again, but then stopped. By the way, you do know its quite dangerous around here at the moment, dont you? The lizardmen are on the march and their main army will be coming through any time now.

Their main army? I said. You mean that procession on the main road?

Oh no, thats just the advance party. Once the main army get is here, this whole place will be crawling with them. You dont want to be here when that happens. Horrible creatures, lizardmen. Completely untrustworthy. Alway fighting for no reason, the females get pregnant before they can even stand upright, and their food smells awful. Ive been saying for years they shouldnt just defend the border with Monsterland, they should build a wall, but no one listens. Ill tell you, the only good lizardman is a dead lizardman.

You know, said Claire in a tone that made me want to swiftly walk away, for someone who talks a lot about not judging people on the way they look, you sound a little bit prejudiced yourself.

Jespert seemed taken aback. Me? You mean about lizardmen? Oh no, thats totally different. They arent people, theyre monsters. You cant treat them as equals. Theyll eat you. Hed become much more animated once he started to talk about his views on lizardmen. And it didnt stop there. Ill tell you who you should really watch out for. Mermaids. Oh, those bastards. They come crawling out of the sea with hardly any clothes on and set up stalls by the roadside selling their fish and their seafood platters. Its disgusting.

That doesnt sound so bad, said Maurice.

Its taking jobs away from honest fishermen. The land should be for people with legs, shouldnt it? They should go back to where they came from.

And the fishermen should stay out of the sea? I asked.

Well, no. They have to make a living, obviously.  But its the principle.

It was hard to tell exactly which principle he was talking about. One minute he was all love and peace and dont judge a book by its cover, and the next he wanted to kill everything that annoyed him. A liberal racist, but fiscally conservative.  In our world he would have made a fine politician. Other than that, he seemed quite nice.

Ooh, ooh, said Flossie. Her fidgeting had been steadily increasing over the last few seconds. Ah wanna see a mermaid.

Fortunately, that isnt possible, said Jespert. Were too far from the sea here, and they dont travel well. Or so Ive heard. Im happy to say Ive never encountered one myself.

Hold on, said Claire. Youve never actually met a mermaid, but youre sure theyre evil monsters based on what youve heard from other people. Doesnt that strike you as a little ironic.

No, said Jespert. Theres nothing ironic about being half-fish.

That doesnt even make sense. Claire was about to lose it.

Jespert seemed unaware of the danger he was in. You should head for Dargot, youll probably be safe there.

Thats where we were headed, I said, but the lizardmen are blocking the way. We were hoping to cross the road once they passed by, but it sounds like that wont be for a while.

Oh, you cant use the road. You could use the tunnels, though. It takes a little longer, but much less dangerous, for the most part.

There are tunnels? I said. To Dargot?

Well, not all the way, but theyll get you past the lizardmen. Anyway, enjoy the rest of your evening. Nnnnnghhhhh. He started to turn again, hand clamped against his jaw.

Uhm, said Flossie. Is this what you were looking for? She pulled a small blue flower out of her hair and held it out.

Oh, clovis! A smile cracked his face wide open. Yes, that is how I mean it. Thank you. Jespert took the flower in his skeletal, partly decomposed hand and popped it into his mouth. He rubbed his jaw, then stretched. Ahhh. Thats better.

Suddenly he was able to move a lot more freely and his whole body seemed to relax. Okay, grab your stuff and follow me. As a sign of my gratitude, Ill show you the tunnels. Behave yourselves, and I may even treat you to a home cooked meal. And no, you wont be on the menu. I dont eat meat, its terrible for the complexion. I suppose youre all carnivores. He said it with quite some disgust. I can see its going to take you a little while to pack everything up, so let me take this opportunity to tell you the advantages of a raw food diet.

He proceeded to lecture us on the joys of vegetables. It had been scary enough when wed assumed he was a zombie, but it turned out Jespert was something even worse. A vegan.