Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Chapter 38 - I’m going to print out the picture and paste it on my bed’s headboard.

Jing Huan sat in front of the computer, then anxiously clicked on the voice message that he had sent out again and listened to it once more.

If one were to listen carefully, they would be able to tell that this girl’s voice sounded somewhat blurred and smothered — he had recorded it with his voice changer first before playing it on his computer to send it out on WeChat.

Did it sound a little fake? Or should he just forget the mua~~ ba?

Jing Huan hesitated for half a day before deciding to withdraw the voice message. However, he had already sent the message over 2 minutes ago, so even the withdraw button had disappeared.

His confidence was dropping. He again clicked on the picture of his thighs that had been p-ed.

Jing Huan liked playing basketball, so his thighs were a bit muscular. In any case, they didn’t look like girl’s thighs from any angle. For the sake of taking this photo, he had pulled his swimming trunks all the way up to his inner thighs. Fortunately, he barely had any hair on his legs, so as long as he p-ed his thighs to look a little slimmer, it would be decent.

He thought about it, then sent a copy to Lu Wenhao.

Lu Wenhao: ?

Lu Wenhao: ???

Lu Wenhao: Fuck, I already have a wife, why did you send me porn? Am I someone who would look at this kind of photo?

Lu Wenhao: Whose legs are those? From our school? Send me her WeChat, I’ll just take a look at her Moments and do nothing else.

Jing Huan, “…”

Looks like his photoshop skills were okay.

His phone vibrated, and the person who had gone missing for an entire day finally responded.

Xiang: …

Xiang: Don’t send this sort of photo so recklessly in the future.

Jing Huan sneered. That bit of nervousness and shame of his just now immediately grew wings and flew away without a trace.

Replying within seconds right after seeing a photo of bare legs, why are you still acting like a gentleman in front of me?

Xiao Jing ya: T.T I didn’t send it recklessly! I only sent it to Gege!

Xiang Huaizhi was sitting in a barbeque shop, and the photo of Xiao Tianjing’s thighs was still at the top of their conversation. To avoid letting other people see it, he had to cover his phone with his hand even when he was just sending messages.

It was like he was a thief.

So he raised his hand and deleted the photo from their chat records without hesitation before continuing to type.

Xiang: Lost my phone today, just got it back.

Jing Huan called bullshit on that in disgust.

Slag men do have a ton of excuses.

Xiao Jing ya: So that’s why. You scared me to death, I thought Gege was ignoring me [hugs self and cries]

Xiao Jing ya: Gege went hiking today?

Xiang: No, tomorrow.

Xiao Jing ya: Oh oh, then Gege has to pay attention to safety.

Xiao Jing ya: [kiss][lips]

Xiang Huaizhi looked at the big red lip expression, and for some reason, he recalled the voice message from just now.

He didn’t reply anymore. After locking his phone, he put it away properly and focused on the barbeque.

“Xiao Tianjing sent out quite a lot of messages ba?” Lu Hang swallowed the meat in his mouth and quipped.

Although he hadn’t heard what Xiao Tianjing had said, he had heard the last kissy sounds loud and clear.

Xiang Huaizhi, “No.”

“It’s okay, I heard everything. She even kissed you.” Lu Hang flipped a piece of meat over and tsk-ed as he shook his head. “She’s so deeply in love.”

Xiang Huaizhi paused. “We just know each other in game; it’s not as exaggerated as you make it out to be.”

“What’s wrong with it being in game? Are there no feelings in games?”

Xiang Huaizhi sneered. “Without even seeing each other’s faces, would people really talk about real feelings after saying a few words and playing a few rounds of PK in game? I think you’re too crazy about online dating.”

Lu Hang understood. He stopped his movements and said, “So after talking about this for so long, you’re worried that Xiao Jingjing looks ugly in real life ah? But that’s true, according to statistics, 80% of girls with nice voices aren’t good looking, and some are even fat. There’s a simple solution, isn’t it fine as long as you get her to send you a picture… oh no, pictures aren’t reliable. Just video chat with her.”

Xiang Huaizhi looked up lazily. “Do you think I’m you.”

“Don’t attack me.” Lu Hang suddenly remembered something and laughed. “Oh– or do you think that Xiao Jingjing just likes you because you have good equipment and a lot of money?”

Xiang Huaizhi couldn’t be bothered to pay attention to him. He got up to get some sauce.

When he returned, he saw Lu Hang laughing with his phone in hand. As soon as he sat down, Lu Hang quickly shoved the phone in his face. “Xiangxiang, look.”

On the screen was the chat record between Lu Hang and Xiao Tianjing.

Long Road Ahead: Xiao Jingjing, whatcha doin. [peeks out]

Xiao Jing ya: Doing quests for materials, what’s up~

Long Road Ahead: [photo] I’m having barbeque with Xiangxiang.

Xiao Jing ya: It looks soooo good. [saliva]

Long Road Ahead: Hehe, it is really good.

Long Road Ahead: Do you want to see your Xiang Gege’s photo?

Xiao Jing ya: !!!

Xiao Jing ya: I do! I do!! Can I?! Do I have the right to see Gege’s supreme beauty?!!!

Xiao Jing ya: [kowtows and prays]

Long Road Ahead: Hahaha you do! But you can’t tell him ‘kay.

Xiao Jing ya: [chick pecks rice]

Long Road Ahead: [photo]

After seeing the photo Lu Hang sent out, Xiang Huaizhi’s expression darkened.

Lu Hang hadn’t sent his photo of course; he had sent a photo of a bespectacled young man with small eyes, thick lips, and skin the colour that matched the cooked beef in front of him. He had a simple and honest smile, looked a little silly, and was no older than 20 years old.

“Are you so idle that you’ve gone crazy?” Xiang Huaizhi’s voice was cold as he said, “Who’s that?”

“My cousin.” Lu Hang said, “Aiya, I’m just teasing her ma… why isn’t she replying me? Don’t tell me she was scared off by the photo ba?”

Xiang Huaizhi didn’t respond to him. He withdrew the photo and typed as he wanted to explain.

Jokes could be made, but fake photos were a bit much.

Before he could explain, Xiao Tianjing replied.

Xiao Jing ya: [licks screen like crazy]

Xiao Jing ya: Schlip schlip schlip!

“…” Xiang Huaizhi deleted the words that he had typed and sent a question mark over.

Xiao Jing ya: AAAAHHH! My Gege’s so handsome! I’m licking it all over!!

Long Road Ahead: … handsome?

Xiao Jing ya: So handsome I”m dizzy [fainting] especially those small, charming eyes of his!

Long Road Ahead: Eyes?

Xiao Jing ya: His eyes possess 30% coldness, 30% fickleness, and 40% indifference.

Xiao Jing ya: I love it. I’m going to print out the picture and paste it on my bed’s headboard. [shy]

Xiang Huaizhi realised that ever since he had gotten to know Xiao Tianjing, he seemed to only know how to use the punctuation, ‘question mark’.

Long Road Ahead: That’s not me, Long Road Ahead was messing around and just sent you a random picture.

Xiao Jing ya: …

Xiao Jing ya: ?

[Xiao Jing ya withdrew a message.]

[Xiao Jing ya withdrew a message.]

Even the screen-licking expression had been withdrawn.

Xiang Huaizhi saw those few withdrawal notifications and couldn’t help but chuckle briefly.

Xiao Jing ya: QAQ Long Road Ahead’s too naughty…

Long Road Ahead: Un, I’ll reprimand him.

After explaining to Xiao Tianjing, Xiang Huaizhi threw the phone back. “Don’t crack such senseless jokes with her in the future.”

——

The next day, the three of them went to the internet cafe below the hotel side by side as they had agreed to beforehand.

They had said that they would form a team and play, but Gao Zixiang and Lu Wenhao both opened up NCH instead; one did his dailies while the other went to admire the scenery with his wife.

Jing Huan didn’t like playing PUBG alone, so he opened up LOL for the first time in awhile. However, because he didn’t play as well as before, his four teammates dissed him into being a number one orphan.

He raked his hair out of irritation and was about to swear when the girl sitting beside him suddenly patted his shoulder.

The girl had very long eyelashes and a pair of cute doe eyes. She asked in a soft voice, “Xiao Gege, wanna play together?”

Jing Huan glanced at her LOL client, then pointed at his own results and laughed, “Don’t ba, I’m pretty noob.”

“That’s okay, it’s just a game. I only know how to play supports too.” The girl insisted.

Jing Huan closed his LOL client. “Next time ba, I’m going to play PUBG now.”

How could there be a next time?

The girl knew that he was rejecting her, so she was a little ashamed. After sitting for a while longer, she logged off and left.

After she left, Gao Zixiang said, “Huanhuan what’s wrong with you. It’s just playing a round of LOL, it’s not like she wanted to date you. Yet you rejected her just like that?”

Lu Wenhao nodded. “That’s right. And that little Jiejie looked so cute too, aren’t you too heartless?”

Jing Huan sneered. “And the two of you actually have the cheek to say that? Who was the one who wanted to come to the cafe to form a team? Yet you’re just letting me sit around here and watch you guys play NCH?”

Then he might as well have stayed in his own room to do the events.

“Aiya, isn’t that all because of my guild master who suddenly said that we’re gonna do the 5-star 20-person instance next week. It’ll open in another 5 minutes.” Lu Wenhao took his wife to the instance NPC. “Soon, soon, after I do this instance, we’ll go play PUBG.”

Jing Huan glanced at his screen. “Get lost. You guys will take at least 3 hours to do this instance.”

“Three hours?” Gao Zixiang shook his head. “You’re overthinking it. With Lu Wenhao around, we’ll have to take at least 4 hours.”

Lu Wenhao, “Scram, scram, scram! Laozi’s super strong now!”

Since he was out of the hotel now, Jing Huan couldn’t be bothered to return to his room. He clicked on three male accompanying players, opened PUBG, and went to experience the pleasure of being pampered by a group.

Lu Wenhao, “Are you alright? Spending money to find men to play games with you?”

“I’ll feel bad asking girls for equipment.” Jing Huan explained simply.

After playing for more than two hours, Jing Huan glanced at his side and realised that Lu Wenhao had already been beaten to death by one fist from the BOSS, and his corpse now lay in the corner of the instance map.

A few seconds later, his in game wife revived him. Lu Wenhao wanted to throw a blood pool to Gao Zixiang, but his blood pool was too far behind and didn’t heal him, so it was now Gao Zixiang’s turn to fall to the ground.

“You keep playing your fucking fairy fox cave. Even if I were to put a chicken on the keyboard it would still play better than you.” Gao Zixiang was about to expire from anger.

Lu Wenhao tried to defend himself, “It’s this sect that’s too weak, what does it have to do with me…”

“Weak your ass.” Jing Huan couldn’t listen any longer. “You’re just too used to playing DPSes, so you’re not used to the scope of its spells.”

Lu Wenhao, “That really isn’t it. Huanhuan you’ve never played fairy fox caves before, so you don’t know how fucking difficult it is to play this sect…”

“Who said I haven’t played it before?” Seeing Lu Wenhao get beat to death again, Jing Huan couldn’t bear watching any further and got up. “Get up, switch with me, you come and play PUBG.”

Ten minutes later.

Lu Wenhao’s thoughts weren’t on PUBG at all. While evading poison, he watched Jing Huan operate his character. “What the fuck? Even that didn’t hit you? Does the game have a BUG?”

Jing Huan, “It never hit in the first place, I dodged it.”

Lu Wenhao’s game character was a devil tribe with a tiger head and a human body. The tiger rolled over and quickly healed the DPS in their team with a blood pool without even a second of rest in the middle.

Lu Wenhao felt bewildered — it was clearly the same skill, but why wouldn’t Jing Huan miss?

Gao Zixiang was healed to the brim. “Fuck, this feels so good… Lu Wenhao learn a little, learn properly!’

Lu Wenhao tsk-ed. “I’m learning, you’re so noisy.”

Half an hour later, the BOSS fell to the ground with a boom. Jing Huan let out a prolonged breath and couldn’t help but stretch his fingers.

He was used to doing instances with Yearning For, and he was accustomed to the other party’s explosive damage. Doing high-level instances with other people now felt especially tiring for him.

“Huanhuan, you’re too strong…” Gao Zixiang said, “Hurry and buy an account, then return to be our fixed healer!”

Jing Huan drank a sip of water. “I’m not strong, it was all thanks to the other healers.”

“Don’t be so modest ah.”

A voice suddenly travelled over from behind. A hint of a laugh could be heard in that person’s words, “You’re pretty good at playing fairy fox caves.”

Jing Huan was stunned and looked back reflexively.

He didn’t know when the two guys standing behind him had appeared. One was wearing a checkered shirt and looked unfamiliar with a gentle smile.

The other had drooping eyelids, and because of his height and long legs, he made his simple black T-shirt look like it came from a major brand. He was the person Jing Huan had just met recently — Xiang Huaizhi.

Both their hair and clothes were soaking wet, as if they had just been caught in the rain.

Jing Huan was a little dazed.

He didn’t know if it was because he had been doing instances with Yearning For and the rest of them for a long time recently, but he always mistook other people’s voices. The girl’s voice from asking him to play LOL together had sounded like it belonged to Love is For You to Eat, and now this guy’s voice… sounded a little like Long Road Ahead.

—

Juurensha: That’s because they are!!!!!

Zryuu: Love is For You to Eat isn’t… but Long Road Ahead is heh