Guide on How to Fail at Online Dating

Chapter 1 - Send me the link for your voice changer

When Jing Huan came out of the airport, a gust of wind happened to blow by and smacked him in the face.

He looked up– the sky had already turned overcast. The weather forecast had only released news this morning that a typhoon would make landfall in the evening, and it would be windy throughout the city until then.

In this sort of weather, airplanes would hardly be able to take off.

But his cousin had still insisted on booking a ticket to the United States, saying that she couldn’t stay for even a moment longer. If she could fly off today, then she would, otherwise she would just stay at the hotel booked for her at the airport.

Jing Huan had just gotten on the bus when his phone rang.

“Huanhuan, your Jie’s gone?” It was his dormmate, Gao Zixiang.

Jing Huan fet like everything sounded unpleasant to the ear right now. “Your sis is gone.”

Gao Zixiang, “…don’t be so sensitive, will you? What I meant was, did your Jie really go to the US?”

It began drizzling outside. Jing Huan stared at the rain droplets on the window and uttered a muffled “un”.

Gao Zixiang, “Sigh, your Jie’s really miserable. Honestly though, she didn’t have to go that far. For stuff that happen on the Internet, who would know who anyone is after pulling the cord? It’s really not worth going abroad for something this trivial.”

When Jing Huan remembered the reason why his cousin left, he became very angry. “Must you mention that bunch of idiots in that game to me right now?”

“No, no.” Siscons can’t be provoked. Knowing that he was in a bad mood, Gao Zixiang quickly stopped and changed the topic. “Okay, hurry back to the dorm after seeing her off. There’s another casualty in the dormitory today, I can’t handle it alone.”

Jing Huan frowned. “Who’s the casualty?”

“There are only three people in our dorm, who else do you think it is?”

Just as Gao Zixiang finished talking, he heard a sob that sounded like the squeal of a pig travel over from beside him. Gao Zixiang quickly said, “Aiyo Hao’er, stop crying. Wipe your tears away first.”

Recognizing the voice that belonged to his other roommate, Lu Wenhao, Jing Huan started the car. “What happened to Hao’er?”

“It’s a long story. Come back first.” Gao Zixiang said.

Lu Wenhao sniffed. “Buy a dozen beers on your way back, Jing Huan.”

After parking the car, Jing Huan squeezed into the adjacent convenience store. Knowing how much the other two could drink, he bought three bottles of beer and hid them in his clothes before going back to the dormitory.

As soon as he opened the dormitory door, he heard Lu Wenhao wail before he could even get in, “Why did he do this to me?!”

“What did ”she” do to you?” Jing Huan pushed the door open and went in.

Lu Wenhao was sitting in the middle of the dormitory with a box of tissues propped on his thigh. He was actually crying.

Gao Zixiang had a huge headache. Seeing Jing Huan was like seeing his savior; he quickly jumped up from his chair and said, “You’re finally back.”

Jing Huan closed the door and handed him the plastic bag. “What on earth happened?”

Gao Zixiang looked at Lu Wenhao. “Do you want to say it? Or should I?”

Lu Wenhao was a little chubby, and now his face was flushed from crying. “I won’t say it! I won’t!”

“Okay, okay, I’ll say it, I’ll say it. Stop crying!” Gao Zixiang sighed. “Do you remember Hao’er’s online lover?”

“&#k2026;his mic is turned on 24/7, I even dream of hearing them flirt when I sleep at night, so do you think I’ve forgotten her or not?” Jing Huan paused. “Why? Broke up?”

Gao Zixiang nodded solemnly.

“And I was wondering what the big deal was…” Jing Huan breathed a sigh of relief and began taking off his coat. “Stop crying, Hao’er. It’s just a break up, men don’t easily shed tears.”

“The thing is, it’s not just that.” Gao Zixiang looked embarrassed. “You should know that Hao’er had spent a lot of money on that online lover of his, right?”

The game Lu Wenhao played was called 《Nine Chivalrous Heroes》, an epic game that had been popular for ten years and required a lot of time and money. Jing Huan had also played it several years ago. He knew that just one set of fashionable clothes in that damn game could cost thousands of yuan.

He heard that girl send voice messages to ask Lu Wenhao for clothes every day. Lu Wenhao was a generous person, and the other party got her way almost every time.

“It’s just some clothes, how much could it have cost?” In order to comfort his dormmate, Jing Huan tried to trivialize it as much as possible.

Lu Wenhao choked and said, “I was the one adding her cultivation points for her for the past half-year.”

Jinghuan,: “..that’s still not too bad, just a few tens of thousands.”

Lu Wenhao’s cries gradually grew louder. “She has eight purple equipment on her avatar, six of which were bought by me. I even added a level 15 gem to one of them.”

Jing Huan, “…”

Jing Huan went up and patted him on the shoulder. “Hao’er, we must man up and not do something annoying like settling accounts with our exes after a break up.”

Lu Wenhao had already settled down, but when this was mentioned, he was revitalised again. “Of course I won’t! Do you think I’m crying over that bit of money?! I’m crying because he lied to me! I’m crying over the heartfelt feelings I invested in this relationship for the past six months!

Jing Huan asked, “What did she lie to you about?”

Gao Zixiang couldn’t bear to listen any further. “That person’s a guy.”

“Sigh, it’s not that big a deal, he’s just a guy…” Jing Huan was halfway through his comforting words when he stopped..

Lu Wenhao, “Aaoowuwuwu–”

Jing Huan was stunned. “A guy?!”

Gao Zixiang. “Don’t repeat it, can’t you see our dorm building’s about to get flooded?”

“I mean…” Jing Huan was shocked. “How could that voice belong to a guy?!”

He had heard Lu Wenhao chatting with his online girlfriend through voice messages before. The girl’s voice was all sickly sweet; each sentence would even be followed by a ~, and it always sounded like it was wrapped up in sugar. During this cute act, Jing Huan could get goosebumps all over his body.

“Voice changer.” Gao Zixiang said, “In the morning, his girlfriend probably forgot to open that thing and asked him for new clothes in a male voice. I almost died on the spot after listening to him act cute… That voice was even more boorish than Old Yan’s, and he sounded like someone who’s over 30.”

Old Yan was their counselor.

Lu Wenhao cried so hard he choked.

Jing Huan did not know what to say for a moment. “The two of you didn’t do video calls?”

“No, only pictures.” Lu Wenhao said, “He admitted it already. The pictures were fake.”

Jing Huan, “…”

Things have already gone this far, can that swindler even deny it?!

“The two of you never had a single video chat, yet you gave that guy so much money?”

“That’s normal.” Gao Zixiang opened a bottle of beer and handed it to Lu Wenhao. “When people get into online relationships, don’t they do it for the high expectations and fantasies before actually meeting up? Hao’er is just too unlucky for him to bump into such a merciless case. I thought the most malicious kind would just send fake photos at most…”

Lu Wenhao sniffed. “I don’t really care about the money either, I just feel super terrible and disgusted! I even deleted my character!”

Gao Zixiang was shocked when he heard that. “Deleted?! Hao’er are you crazy?!”

“I only deleted the character, I still have all my equipment and gems.” Lu Wenhao wiped his tears away. “You don’t know this, but our characters have couple names, and we even fucking bound them to be Everlasting Lovers.”

Gao Zixiang: “…”

Everlasting Lovers was the marriage system in 《Nine Chivalrous Heroes》. After getting married, the couple could apply for a contract with ”Yuelao. After the contract, the two game accounts will remain married forever unless they are put up for sale or get deleted.

Gao Zixiang said, “Forget it, Hao’er. Just treat it as a lesson learnt; you won’t jump into the same pit twice. From now on, you won’t get ever get into another online relationship even if it kills you so as to eradicate all chances of getting cheated again!”

Lu Wenhao asked him tearfully, “Why play if I’m never going to date someone online again?”

“Why can’t you play if you don’t date someone online?” Gao Zixiang retorted, “I’ve been playing 《Nine Chivalrous Heroes》 for so many years, and I haven’t been married even once.”

Lu Wenhao: “That’s because you have a girlfriend who’s your childhood sweetheart!”

Gao Zixiang choked, and his gaze shifted to the person next to him. “Then look at Huanhuan. He used to play 《Nine Chivalrous Heroes》 for several years, but he didn’t date anyone online then either.”

“If I’m as handsome as Jing Huan and have that many girls chasing after me as well, why would I still want to date anyone online? Also, he was still in high school when he was playing, so he was too busy studying too. What’s wrong with online dating anyway? Even Jing Huan’s cousin, who’s that good-looking and is such a good catch, was dating someone online too…” Lu Wenhao gradually fell silent as he talked.

Gao Zixiang clutched his forehead as he had a headache.

They’re finished. He had stepped on a landmine.

Jing Huan listened in silence, not responding or saying anything in return.

Lu Wenhao, “I mean, Huanhuan, I just blurted that out without thinking. I’m already so unlucky today, don’t blame me too much.”

Jing Huan snapped out of his daze and suddenly pulled a chair over to sit down beside Lu Wenhao. “Hao’er, are you really very upset now?”

Lu Wenhao was stunned. “Wh-what?”

Jing Huan pondered for a bit. “If I give you these two choices: one, get cheated by a guy while dating him online, and two, your account getting permanently banned because of some bug, which one would you choose?”

“The second one ah!” Lu Wenhao was puzzled. “Why are you asking that?”

It’s just getting deceived in an online relationship, is it really that painful? Can it really be worse than having your account cancelled?

Jing Huan embraced the back of the chair as he ruminated over this question.

Gao Zixiang vaguely felt like something was wrong. “Huanhuan, what are you thinking of doing?”

Suddenly, the mobile phone on the desk rang. Lu Wenhao picked it up, took a look, and almost stopped breathing. He raised his hand and pinched his philtrum.

The other two hurried over and supported him up. Jing Huan took his mobile phone and looked at it.

【Baby: Hubby, I thought about it for an entire afternoon, but I still feel very upset. I really like you very much, but unfortunately our fate can only end here [Crying Rabbit]】

【Baby: I’ll send you my real picture. I hope you’ll always remember that this silly boy will always be watching you tenderly from someplace on earth. 】

【Baby: [Picture]】

In the photo, the middle-aged man was a little fat, and his hair whorl had already turned white. Tears even pooled in his eyes as he gazed affectionately at the camera.

Jing Huan: “…”

Gao Zixiang, “Fuck it! He’s so fucking inhumane! Put that criminal to death! Hao’er, Hao’er, hold on!”

This wave of attack from the photo stole half of Lu Wenhao’s life away.

He sat up with a start while he was half-dead and said, “Laozi is going to delete him from my friend list! I want to throw this QQ away! This QQ is already dirty!!”

Jing Huan was preoccupied with his thoughts. As soon as he heard him, he quickly stopped him and said, “Wait, Hao’er, I have something to say to him.”

Lu Wenhao felt moved. “What is it Huanhuan? Are you going to cuss him out for me?”

“Why scold him? It’s not meaningful to waste time on such people.” Jing Huan took the mobile phone, bowed his head and started tapping away.

Gao Zixiang moved over and asked, “Then what are you doing with Hao’er’s phone?”

【Baby: Darling Haohao, why aren’t you replying to me…]

【LWH: You there? ]

【Baby: OvO darling! I’m here! ]

【LWH: Send me the link for your voice changer. ]

Gao Zixiang, “…”

Gao Zixiang, “?”

—

Juurensha: Omggggg, I feel bad for poor LWH who got catfished, but this is hilarious.