Casual Heroing

Chapter 101: Date

Some want money, some want fame, some want power.

Everyone wants something. Thats a tautology for you it means, in the original sense of the word, its a truthful statement by its very definition. Therefore, its useless.

In English, the most common use of tautology is to define saying the same thing twice over. Its like saying, this should be adequate enough, or a beginner who has just started, or a smelly Frenchman.

See, the bottom line is that tautology is an obvious statement.

Tautologies are essential, though, when you want to point out something at the fringes of these statements. It is true and tautological that everyone wants something, but its also an excellent opening to explain what you want differently.

So, while everyone wishes for gold, a royal title, or an overpowered artifact, I look for something else. To be precise, Im looking at a lovely woman across the table, and I have what some people would describe as macabre thoughts. Im not thinking of killing this sweet lady, obviously. Im just trying to fit her image in my simulation of the next sixty years of my life.

I use a whole host of questions and criteria to individuate the perfect candidate for my imminent marriage. The first one - as you already know - is the zombie apocalypse scenario. Thats the golden standard. The second one changes based on many factors. What are those factors, you ask? I dont remember; I have a terrible memory.

But right now, this is what Im thinking:

I want a womana wife I can visit at the cemetery. Unfortunately, since Im an idiot, I wont remember which flowers were her favorite, and that will make me feel incredibly guilty. Therefore, I will bring multiple flowers every day and lay them across the tombstone, hoping that one of them was indeed her favorite.

One day, Ill visit the grave, and Ill find that every flower wilted overnight. Every flower but her favorite will tell me that my wife is still looking at my wrinkled muzzle from above.

Joey? Joey? Are you there?

Huh? I look at my date.

Her name is Decima, which in Latin means tenth.

It is a weird name, I know.

You spaced out, I hear her say.

That checks out.

I was thinking about work, I lie with a smile printed on my face.

I cant really tell her that I was thinking about her future death and forgetting which flowers she liked, can I?

By the way, what are your favorite flowers?

I dont really like flowers.

Thats a red flag.

Who doesnt like flowers? my mouth widens.

I dont.

You do?

I dont, she laughs.

So, I say, hoping to change the topic of our conversation, how is work going?

Being a [Waitress] is not much fun, she shrugs again.

I wait for her to elaborate, but nothing comes my way. Come on, lady, give me a hand!

And what do you do when you get back home?

Nothing much. I sew, sometimes. I made this dress; do you like it?

I look at a cute purplish piece of clothing, and I nod appreciatingly. Thats some skill right there. Possibly, a real skill, if you catch my drift.

I like the ancient Roman feeling I get from my dates. Its very imperialistic. I think theres something in the Italian part of my blood I mean, my parents are both Italian, now that I think about it. So, my blood should be full-Italian. But I guess that eating burgers for so many years put the American in Italian American. Anyway, this style entices my Italian ancestry quite a bit.

Is it true that you bought almost the entire district in front of the Adventurers Guild? she asks out of the blue with some urgency in her voice.

I think so? Its been what, five months since the Dungeon fiasco? This whole 27/9 system is really messing with me. I have not yet understood how months work.

Oh, I can explain that! she says cheerily.

Nu-hu, Im not learning it. Im good, thanks.

She giggles at that. I guess she already knows some stories about the quirky Human baker. Not [Baker], though, even if most people dont know that detail.

So, what are you doing with the place?

What place? my brain is still tired from working overnight with Stanimal on our special project.

The houses and shops that you bought.

Oh, right.

Yeah, I made a boatload of money. I had to make a couple of trips to that cursed place. I swear people want me to die there. But the bakery is doing really well. Actually, Clodia and Camilla told me they would murder me if I moved my shop one inch closer to theirs.

Are you talking about the owners of Happy Bakery and the Three Roses?

Shoot.

My brain just farted.

Whats this girl's name, again?

Oh right, it was funny because its Latin meaning is tenth. Decima, then. Catastrophe averted.

Yeah, those two. They are haunting my place at night, hoping I will sell them more recipes. I told them I wanted a share of the profits if I showed them something really cool. But they dont seem keen.

People say that your recipes have already made them a lot of money, Decima says.

Oh, yeah. I mean, thats what others have told me too. But they say I make too much money and that they shouldnt make me richer, I pass the last part as a joke, but I see a sparkle in this girls eyes.

See, Im not really offended by girls interested in money, as long as they like my personality too. I couldnt care less about how much I make, even if I tried to. Actually, I thought that by now our revenue would have gone down, if not almost negative. You would think that people would copy our recipes and take away some of the business.

However, multiple factors helped to prevent that.

First, my clientele is mostly adventurers. Now that Im a stupid Goldie, they respect me and want to learn stuff from me. People even come to my place asking me to join their next expedition. Second, Stanimal is a madman; if I hadnt stopped his gangster-ish approach to business, we would have put half the bakeries in Amorium out of business.

How?

The man had sent the formerly homeless people, who are now super loyal to him and me, to threaten people who copied our recipes. See, these dear ex-homeless men had lived on the streets for a long time. They know what hardship is like, and once you convince them that they have value and can live a normal life, they dont want to go back to being losers. Their words, not mine.

So, yeah, I basically pulled a Mussolini, but instead of injured WWI veterans, I recruited swarms of homeless people. The Watch interrogated me on two separate occasions to make sure I wasnt forming a criminal organization. I mean, the fact that they called me and not Stan is really telling of how dumb Drusillus is.

Me, organizing crime?

Sure.

I dont even organize my own finances, for Gods sake!

Cant I have a modicum of respect and be left alone?!