Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 3: Chapter 30: Unexpected Meeting

The plate of cakes and other confections lay on the table, forgotten.

Which was how I could tell exactly how much our news had flummoxed Opal.

We were currently sitting in her study, which looked identical to most other dwarven studies. A pair of comfortable couches, a beer table, a work desk, a wall of books, a fireplace with exactly two candlesticks, and an unadorned wall with exactly one painting of some greybeard on it.

Opal was dressed in dwarven formalcasual, a floor length white gown/hauberk with a leather belt and fancy silver bracers and pauldrons. Her white goatee was well trimmed around her soft features, and offset the large golden bangles she wore on each ear. She was the very picture of a dignified dwarven matron.

Urist had delivered us to her by a winding route through the mansion, and then bowed out to bring snacks. Wed chatted with Opal about the state of the tavern and Brans salty cooking, then moved into the reason for our visit.

She sat silently during my description of Lucky Jeans book and treasure before she asked her first question.

Pete, how confident are you of this?

Very. It was all quite convincing, but Ill ask Richter ta go to City Hall and access the public record of tha Herders, just in case.

Good, thats what I would have told you to do. You realize that even if this treasure hasnt been found yet, it probably wont be as impressive as youre expecting? Since it's for a random future Chosen, it will most likely be something universally useful, like gold, or jewels.

Opal sighed. You know what I mean. Any seriously enchanted items probably wouldve been found by a routine sweep within Whitewall. Security there is incredibly tight, especially for a place like the Lyceum. I cant even begin to imagine how youll get access to it without someone spotting you. Its a terrible hiding place!

I shrugged. Thats why we came to you.

Opal frowned. I dont know what you think Id be able to do. Even my family isnt powerful enough to be residenced in Whitewall. I have access to it, certainly, and I can take you to the Lyceum, but if you want to book it or spend any serious time staking it out, I cant really help you.

Ach, slaggit. I rubbed the back of my neck. At least wed be able to scout the place out, and maybe something would come up.

Opal hesitated, then began haltingly. Actually I may have someone that can get you access. Shes a family friend, of sorts. She may even be able to get you unfettered access to the Lyceum, but I dont know what shed want in return, or if shed do it without knowing whats going on.

I indicated for Opal to continue, and after a dry gulp, she did.

I think you met her once in Minnova already, at the Thirsty Goat. Her names Tourmaline, do you remember her?

The image that popped into my head was of silver curls, a severe expression, and piercing umber eyes. A brilliant and beautiful [Toxicologist] with a sarcastic streak and a cutting sense of humour. It was also one of the names Barck had given me for his handpicked companions. Since those handpicked souls included Bran, Annie, and Whistlemop, I was predisposed to give her the benefit of the doubt. I knew Tourmalines family was from Crack, that her grandfather was influential, and Prophet Barnes was her Uncle.

The shoe dropped.

Prophet BARNES! As influential as the Blackbeards, Barnes!

I jumped to my feet. Opal, thats perfect! Praise be ta Barck and Midna! Do you really think shed see us?

She, ah, mentioned in passing that shes mildly interested in meeting you again. It seems you left a good impression the last time you met. Things are a bit volatile in the Capital right now though, so it might not

But she can! I interrupted.

Opal nodded. If she cant do it, nobody can. Her grandfather is the Duke of the West, His Eminence Joshua Barnes.

I twitched. Joshua had been the name of the lion-maned fellow whod come to the pub with Prophet Barnes that one time. That boisterous jokester had been a Duke!? Ah, shit, it was quite possible, if not likely, that between their status and connection to Prophet Barnes that the Barnes clan would guess I was a Chosen Catalyst.

But treasure, and they technically already knew us anyway. And Barck had vouched for Tourmaline, assuming she was the same person. Id just need to step carefully and read any contracts a hundred times.

Please can ya ask her to see us, Opal? I said, finally.

Im really not sure

I clenched my fingers together and begged like my soul depended on it. Please, please, please?

Let me think for a moment! Agh! What are you, a bearded child!?

If thats what it takes! PLEAAASE!?

Opal pulled back as I got down on my knees and begged harder. After a tick Bran did the same, though with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Please, please, please! I whimpered, edging forward.

Please, please, please! Bran huffed.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

With a defeated sigh, Opal gave her assent. Fine! But on one condition! You do it here, and and bring Annie with you when you come. Ill have Butler Mcbuttle meet you at Blackwalls south gate; Brans pass wont be enough.

Huh? Why Annie?

Because because itll be less intimidating if theres more ladies around. Opal hedged. And I want to introduce them. Ill ask later this week and send word when I hear back.

Bran and I shared confused glances. Dwarfesses had never struck me as having maidenly modesty, but eh, whatever! The princess wanted more ladies at the party, the princess got more ladies.

We made smalltalk for another hour or so, and then I begged leave to go to my next appointment in Redwall.

I separated with Bran at the gate and made my own way to the inn that Berry had rented out for her entourage. Shed moved from the inn wed stayed at the first night to a more centrally located set of digs near both the Academy and the event grounds shed rented for her stage. She had some kind of sweetheart deal where the city got the use of her fancy traveling stage wagon, and she got to park it on city property.

The inn was called Wagonwheels and it was a fairly standard gnomish establishment. A lot of wood and glass, with doors that were just a bit too short and a total lack of beer. Metal tea-boxes lined the walls, and they even had a fancy espresso machine.

I was greeted by Amethyst at the door. The purple haired gnomess gave me a once over and raised an eyebrow. Hello Pete. To what do we owe the pleasure?"

Ah, I just wanted to talk to Berry. Somethings come up that I really think she needs to know about.

"Berrys busy right now. Amethyst pointed down, indicating the basement.

"It's important. And kind of her ears only." I couldnt outright tell Amethyst to pass on my information, unfortunately. While all the people at the Thirsty Goat knew what I was, and Id kind of spilled the beans on Berry, I didnt actually know how much Berrys people knew.

Amethyst looked me up and down, then sighed. Her meeting should last for another twenty minutes or so, and then shell be coming up for lunch. She has some professors from Archis Academy coming later this evening, so she wont have much time.

Thats fine. I donnae think it'll take long.

Good. Is it about our collaboration? Weve been mostly pitching Copperpots gnomish beers. I wouldve thought youd want to start getting Berry to pitch your Liquid Gold again. Her shows are becoming quite popular with the professional wrestling crowd. And I think Copperpot has sold more beer to Kinshasas gnomes in the past month than everyone else in the entire history of Crack. Amethyst practically preened with pride at Berrys, and by extension her, success.

Eh, aye, I could see that. Its kind of about our collab, but itll be her ears only until she decides what to do with it.

And they definitely were doing well, if my Gnomish Influencer Quest was any indication.

Quest: Gnomish Influencer Part 7/10!

The gnomes need your help. Influence 1,000,000 gnomes with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Gnomes influenced: 145,000/1,000,000

Rewards: Karmic Reversal x 1

It wasnt ramping up quite as quickly as my Dwarven Influencer quest, and likely wouldnt until we started shipping beer to the more gnomishly populated Eastern Crack. It was still nice to see the number going up with next to no work on my end. Delegation FTW as my daughter always used to say!

I took a seat by the fireplace and ordered a coffee. The waitress a redheaded young gnomess in the most stereotypical tavern maid dress Id ever seen seemed shocked that a dwarf was ordering coffee, but brought it over with a smile.

Berry eventually emerged from the basement with shock of shocks!!! an actual elf! He was the tallest elf Id ever seen, though still smaller than an average human, and he was dressed to the nines in red dress robes and a silken tunic and vest. His crimson hair was done up in a high pony-tail with long bangs that framed his face. The ensemble screamed money and really made his green skin pop. He had a roughly human shape, though he was a bit too lanky and sharp-edged to pass for one. And a bit too short, of course. Honestly, he was pretty bang on the money for what Id always assumed a fantasy elf would look like.

I admit I goggle-eyed as the two of them shared an intimate moment of discussion, the elf bending his head down to her level. Berry actually giggled at something the elf said! Then she saw me and her face immediately turned into a frown, her eyebrows pinching together like she had the start of a headache coming on.

Well excuuuuse me, princess!!!

The pair approached my table at the fireplace, and I stood to greet them.

Berry. I nodded.

Pete. She said. Business, I assume? Can it wait? I want to eat lunch first. And Im a little busy.

She subtly jerked her head in the direction of the elf.

I grinned, broadly. Crease your eyebrows at me, ya whippersnapper!? Aye, Im not in any particular hurry. Cant let my beloved partner go hungry,

The elf raised two perfectly sculpted eyebrows and glanced at Berry.

Business Partner! Berry snapped, one eye twitching. She took a deep breath to center herself, then opened her hand to gesture at the elf. Peter, this is Emissary Joseph Stannard. Joseph, this is Brewer Peter Roughtuff. He runs the Brewery that Copperpot is mooching off of.

Dont let Copperpot hear you say that! I chuckled.

Joseph gave me a two-fingered salute using his pointer and middle fingers. Its a pleasure to meet you, mate! May Solen shine upon our meeting.

I fairly rocked back on my heels as he spoke. The elegant creature before me, every speck the distinguished gentle-elf, sounded identical to a surfer bro!

Id often wondered how elves would sound with my Ability to translate languages. So far there was a pattern to the accents: dwarves spake like Scots, Sourth Erden gnomes Indian, Crackian gnomes British, those educated at Archis Academy Hints of Irish, Giants Cascadian, South Erden dwarves Nigerian, and rural folk Redneck. It seemed to be based on my own internal biases, which still made me a bit uncomfortable.

As for the Elves, who lived primarily in the sunny tropical jungles of North Erdens cape?

Kiwi. Kiwi! It took every inch of muscle in my body and my high Charisma to not burst into laughter.

So, I choked, What brings you here, Emissary Stannard? I made sure I was speaking dwarven, no need to let this guy know I could speak Elvish. Probably.

This lovely lady. The elf held a hand over Berrys shoulder, not quite touching. I happened to hear Berrys music at an event, and I was enchanted.

I stared agog as Berry actually blushed!

Joseph is the Ambassador to Crack from the Elven Kingdom of Awemedinad. She said, rubbing under her nose with a finger. Hes also a very influential merchant.

Ay. My king seeks to improve trade between Awemedinad and Crack. He sent me to make it so. The Ambassador smiled widely.

Really? My return smile was predatory. How interesting.

It wasnt part of my schedule, but I could spare some time trying to convince a brah to import some brew.