Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Book 2: Chapter 52: The Best Brewer

Interludes are best accompanied by calming music.

When the magical screen that separated us from the arena snapped to ‘opaque’ I passed the time by teaching everyone the lyrics to my favourite songs from ‘Hairspray’. I was especially proud of my filk of Big, Blonde, and Beautiful into Bluebeard and Beautiful. Aqua had furiously copied everything down to share with Berry during their next get together.

I’d been concerned that the entire event would get called off, but a bunch of black-suited ushers ran around to assure everyone that there would be a short intermission while the judges ‘judged’ and the contest would resume soon. They also tried to sell us overpriced True Brew and nuts. Psh. I was pretty sure every brewery in here had smuggled in a keg or two.

After a half-hour, the barrier snapped back to transparency, and Malt and the three judges were revealed once more. Blackbeard had undergone a quick hair-ectomy, and looked much the same as before, though minus a few golden beard-bangles. He had a slight blush to his cheeks, but that seemed to be the only indication that he’d just been hugely embarrassed before the entire city.

Malt on the other hand looked like he’d been through a ringer. The poor dwarf had aged at least a century, and he was already old!

Lord Grafter looked up at the stands and frowned, then spoke in his deep, commanding voice.

“The dwarf known as Drumson Drum is currently wanted for crimes including assault and poisoning of a noble. Any with knowledge of his whereabouts are encouraged ta bring that information forward to tha guard.”

I choked.

Annie did as well.

“I can’t believe it!” I hissed.

“I can…” Balin grumbled. “That dwarf was always goin’ ta be trouble.”

Aqua rolled her eyes. “Why would he do something like that!”

“Drum has never been a fan of the nobility.” Annie said. “From what Sam said about his past… I can understand why.”

“They’re not all that bad.” Balin muttered. “There’s a load like Lord Grafter, or Opal’s family. Tha King too…”

I shook my head. “Why didn’t I know??”

Aqua shook her head. “Drum probably kept it a secret. I imagine his brewery had to be in on it too, though. No wonder they all left early. I imagine they skipped town.”

“By Midna’s Mangy Mullet. What a waste.” Annie groaned. “The Rusty Battleaxe Brewery will be done. And nothing to show for it other than pissing some minor noble off.”

I heaved a breath. “It’s incredible! I’m shocked!”

Kirk gave me some side-eye. “Why do I feel like you’re talking about something completely different than the rest of us, boss?”

I shouted, “HIS NAME IS DRUMSON DRUM!! That poor dwarf! No wonder he’s so ornery!!”

“Aye, he was named after his father, Master Brewer Drum.” Richter pitched in, before leaning forward to throw up into a bucket some more.

“But… he… am I the only one that finds it weird??” I looked around in confusion.

I was met by a dozen dwarfy looks.

“The judges took the opportunity during the intermission to discuss their thoughts, and we will now be announcing the winners!” Malt had managed to calm himself down, sort of. He wiped sweat from his brow and one of his knees was shaking.

THAT got everyone’s attention, and the Arena erupted back into wild cheering and waving of banners.

“In third place! For an excellent True Brew that stayed true to its Sacred roots…..”

Faultless and Moon Over Minnova began roaring in earnest, then throwing stuff at each other. Mostly nuts, but I spotted the occasional tankard, and dwarf.

“Faultless Brewery!”

The apprentices in Faultless cheered even harder, but I could tell from Master Brewer Fault’s stoic expression that she was actually a bit down. Ah well, at least she’d beaten that horrid Icewhite!

Icewhite herself just looked… resigned. She fell back into her seat and looked up into the roof. Her eyes closed and she ignored the apprentices that attempted to get her attention.

“Next, in second place!!”

The sound in the arena dropped as everyone took in a collective breath. The current running through our section was palpable. We didn’t actually want second place. Nobody did. Third was just happy to be included, but second was always second-fiddle.

I gently rolled Johnsson off his barrel and began a drumroll.

“For their superb description of what it means to be a dwarf, and a beer that somehow managed to improve True Brew without altering its taste… Crackin’ Brews!!!”

Crackin’ Brews launched back into their chant, and Master Brewer Crackle was buried under his sister as he was dogpiled.

“Oh, good for him!” Annie clenched her fist. “And I need to ask him how he got the scent to work without changing the taste! I can think of a few tricks with aetherstones that would work, but that would be expensive… it has to be an Ability or alchemy trick…”

I wanted to know too. Imagine a beer that smelled like hickory or roses, or chocolate. It could go a long way towards enticing any Philistine who didn’t like the taste of beer. Smell one-hundred percent impacted our taste perception, and it was something that was just… really hard to do with beer back on Earth. Oh, sure, our Beavermoose Brewery beer cans always talked big about ‘notes of cinnamon and the scent of chocolate’ but that was all advertising bullshit. A good beer smelled like fermented wort, full stop. This was finally something new about brewing for me to learn!

“And now, the moment you’ve all been chafing for! The best Brewery in Minnova! Grand Lord Grafter, if you would please you?”

“Aye. It would.” Grafter stood and looked around the arena. His tone was regal, and he spoke clearly, annunciating every word so that it echoed. “I have been Lord of Minnova for longer than most of you apprentices and young hopefuls ‘ave been alive. In that time I’ve seen much of what makes a dwarf. Our strengths. Our weaknesses. Our mettle, and our metal!”

There was a current of laughter and he waited for it to die before continuing.

“Tha Red Rage. Our love fer Gold. The hard work that drives our bellows and the heart of adventure that drives us into the dungeon. We love our country and it loves us back. So before we announce tha winner!” He held an empty Whistlemug up and announced, “Fer Crack and Minnova, the Firmament, and the Luck of Fools!”

Then he lifted a cask one-handed and poured it into his Whistlemug.

A gleaming golden froth bubbled up and overflowed, as he tipped the glass of Liquid Gold back and chugged it down.

We barely heard it as Malt announced, “The winner! Thirsty Goat Brewpub!!”

We were too busy screaming.

—

A pair of ushers came to fish us out of the throng, and Annie and I were asked to come down into the bowels of the Arena. We asked if Balin could come too, and they eventually agreed. We wanted him for his comforting presence in the dark, possibly ninja filled tunnels, but they just wanted him because he looked so damn good in his golden armour and sweeping handlebar moustache.

We were brought into a large waiting space behind a barred portcullis and told to hurry up and wait while they fetched Penelope. They wanted us to ride the cart into the Arena, do a few laps, and then go to the stage. A victory lap, as it were.

“We won! We won! We woooon!” Annie was practically vibrating. “Now nodwarf can say anything against our new brewing techniques! I want to talk to Crackle sooo much, I bet you they’ll be willing to make Barista Brew and maybe even that wheat beer as well! And Rudd! What did you tell him that he was willing to change the recipe of the Sacred Brew, Pete!?”

“Take me with you when you go to Crackle. I reaaaaally want to know how he did that trick with the smell. As for Rudd… we just talked about brewing.” I shrugged.

“That’s all?”

“Sometimes it just takes a normal conversation about a common interest. I’ll bet I can do the same with Crackle.”

“Really?”

“Aye. WIth just a snap, Crackle will Pop! Nyuk!”

“What?” Balin asked.

“Hush love. Smile and nod.”

They smiled and nodded.

I sighed. “There’s Penelope. Let’s go.”

An usher was indeed approaching, pulling Penelope behind. She was still attached to the beer cart and looked affronted.

*Meeeeh* [Translated From Prima Donna Goat] “The indignity of using this princess as a beast of burden! How could you!?”

“Heeey Penelope! Who's a good girl! Did the bad goatboy annoy you??” I leaned down and scratched under her chin. She leaned into my hand and bleated contentedly.

*Maaaaaaa* [Translated from Primma Donna Goat] “I gave that putrescent peasant a piece of my mind that was well deserved!”

“Yeah! He can suck Aaron’s Fancy Freckled - “

“Anyways!” Annie interrupted. “Who’s sitting in the front?”

“You’re the Goldstone.” I shrugged.

“Aye, and tha prettiest of tha lot!” Balin agreed.

“Hey!” I protested.

After a bit of jostling we managed to fit Annie and myself at the front, with Balin balancing on the cask in the rear.

“They’re ready for you now,” the usher announced, and pulled a lever “The sound barriers have been removed, so be prepared.”. The portcullis raised, and with a snap of the reins - and a bit of begging - Penelope began to meander up the ramp.

*grumble* [Translated from Prima Donna Goat] “You should all lose some weight!”

“Sez you!” The three of us said at once, looked at each other, and laughed.

With a flash of blinding light we passed out of the dark tunnel and into the Arena. We were almost blasted off the cart with the literal wall of noise that met us. I’d expected some boos, but it was almost all positive. Say what you will about dwarves, they absolutely appreciated good craftsmanship. Love the craft, hate the crafter, I suppose. I mean, there were a couple jeers, but they bounced right off my [Thick Skin].

Aqua jostled the reins and called out to Penelope to go faster. Penelope obliged, first with reluctance, then mounting excitement as dwarves began to call her name. I also heard a lot of ‘Fer Crack and Annie!’ mixed in, and grinned.

For once, Annie was too giddy to care. She basked in the moment as we circled the arena, going faster and faster. Penelope gave it her all as the three of us waved and hugged and absolutely, positively, didn’t weep big heaping snotty tears into our beards.

I looked up at my brother as he flexed in his [Golden Armour] to uproarious applause. We’d come so far, the two of us. From beggars in the streets of Minnova, to indentured workers, to front and center at the biggest event of the Millenia. He, a hero of Greentree, and me… well, I hoped it wasn’t a villain. An anti-hero! A rebel with a cause! The orchestrator of change in the breweries of Minnova!

Then there was Annie, a beautiful young dwarfess with bright dreams of change and a love of brewing. I was going to do everything in my power to ensure she got to live those fantasies. I’d teach her everything I knew, and with her insights into dwarven business and outgoing personality, she would shine. We were going to Kinshasa, baby! And we were going to make some waves!

I basked in the moment, closing my eyes and drinking in the applause and cheering. The sound of the rattling cart and the bleating of a giddy Penelope. Sand pelted my face and got into my beard, but I didn’t care. I wanted this moment to last forever.

You’re right, Tom Petty. It’s good to be the king.

After that headrush, the meeting with Judges went by with a blur. Grand Lord Grafter passed us an enormous golden trophy shaped like a tankard, then gave a small speech about civic pride that went completely over my head. Blackbeard went on and on about ‘patroning’ us in Kinshasa. We politely turned him down, citing a desire to see the city first, but he just kept insisting. He only stopped when I promised to take his enchanted business card. It was very similar to Copperpot’s, though with a large black beard covered by crossed axes on it.

All Prophet Barnes did was wink.

I made a victory speech extolling the virtues of dwarven work ethic and the love of Gold. I made sure to praise the Guild, Blackbeard, the Gods and of course Penelope. I also mentioned we’d be releasing Liquid Gold along with a special surprise Brew in the Grand Market the day after tomorrow. For her part Annie thanked the city and talked a bunch about how much she was looking forward to the changes happening in brewing. There was some angry muttering about that, and I saw some Master Brewers leaving, but I didn’t let that spoil my mood.

And then it was done.

After one last thing, of course.

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: The Best Brewer Part 1

I am partial to cake. Barck says you can probably make one with beer?

Use that new Barista Brew. I do like tea cakes, will it be similar to that?

Gained: [Pete’s Miniature Remembrance]

Hell yeah!