Autopsy of a Mind

Chapter 101: Considering My Feelings

"What do you think we spoke about?" I challenged. I didn't know why I did it. I knew better than to bring this conversation up when I couldn't handle getting the answers. 

"You were confused about why I treat you so well but you also thought that it was impossible." He stared at me intently. 

"I don't know what you are talking about." 

"You know very well what I am talking about, Evie. Your lack of pride in yourself is really hindering your judgment in this case. You are beyond charming. Even your sharp tongue is something that attracts people to you. You should be more confident in yourself. I can tell you the names of every student in the classes you sit in on that are dying to ask you out but are afraid that I will hunt them down." 

I glared at him as he chuckled. 

"Why would they think you will hunt them down?" I rolled my eyes. "You might be scary, but you won't kill anyone. Everyone knows that." I smiled.

"Because I told them explicitly that it was out of the question." He laid back and looked at me from under his lashes. Where had he learned to make this coy expression?

"You're really weird," I grumbled. 

He started to give me a list of students who liked me. "I catch them glancing at you in class all the time." I frowned. 

"You ask them a lot of questions, too." Surely, they weren't paying attention in class. 

"I don't care if they pay attention in class or not. They can learn these things from books or wherever they want. It's their exams, not mine. It's not because of that." He gave me a pointed look. 

"Don't avoid the answer," I huffed. 

"You have their numbers, don't you? Why don't you ask them personally?" He shrugged. 

"And talk to the people who you deem like me? Don't you know men think you are interested if you call them?" I shook my head. 

"No, they don't. Not when you ask about another man. That puts them in the friendzone. Try it." His eyes blazed. 

"How do you know that?" I scoffed. 

"You kept talking about a future boyfriend and living with them, so I felt it firsthand. I had been friend-zoned very badly." I burst into laughter. 

"What? Do you like me?" Was I supposed to believe that? 

"I don't think you are ready to find the answer out," he replied. "You don't think it is possible, so nothing I tell you will make you believe me." That indicated that he did have feelings for me. Or, he was just reiterating what Dr. Knight had said. 

"Sebastian, I asked you a question," I said firmly. "I don't like not knowing things and being confused." I pleaded with him with my eyes. 

"Why are you confused, Evie? Did you not know I was pursuing you?" he asked incredulously. I gaped at him. "You know I never lie, Evie. So, you must think carefully." He sat back and watched as I fought against my irrational thoughts. 

Indeed, he did not lie, but what if he was mistaken? Was it admiration for a student or pity for what I had gone through? It could be. But then, I knew how rational this man was. He knew well enough the difference between those feelings and he must have confirmed them before he spoke a word of it or acted out on it. 

But the words came out anyway. "What if you feel bad as an investigator in the case? You saw me first-hand and felt that you had somehow not helped."

"Well, is that what you hope, Evie?" he asked, softly. He was not offended. Instead, he was patient and understanding. "See? You are not ready to face it. Dr. Knight wanted you to go through those exercises so that you could accept yourself and another person in your life."

"You are part of my life, Sebastian." And it scared the living shit out of me. "You work a dangerous job. And I work a dangerous job. I have let you into my life without thinking about it heading towards a permanent and romantic relationship. But you... you are breaking everything."

Sebastian raised his hand to stop me. "Now, revisit the words you just said. Those sentences have nothing to do with one another," he said, pressing his lips together. "Your first concern is our safety. I will have you know that I can fight very well. From the moment I wanted to join this profession, I knew the risks and I trained for it. Part of my job is to remain safe."

"As for your safety, I will not claim to protect you at all times. I don't know what the future holds. But I have faith in you and your skills, Evie. You can protect yourself. But if there comes a day that you are in danger, I will leave no stone unturned."

"My father thought he was safe, too, you know?" I replied bitterly. 

"I am not your father, Evie." He sounded angry. "You want to be sure that nothing will harm me or you? Okay, let's go spar every day and train until no one can take us down." He stopped. "But if you are scared of death, Evie... nothing can stop it. We might die in our sleep simply because our heart stopped or there might be an earthquake tomorrow. There is nothing we can do about it. The best we can do is prepare diligently and try our best."

"I can't answer you..." I responded finally. 

"I don't want you to answer me, Evie. I don't mind staying here and helping you. I didn't expect anything in return. I confused you and you thought that I had no romantic feelings, maybe it is because I am not good at communicating them." I stopped him. 

"No, it's me," I said quickly. "I'm sorry. I... I am just not ready for a relationship."

Sebastian nodded in understanding. "Yes, you should focus solely on yourself. If you need help with physical contact or the need to feel protected, I will be right here." He shrugged. "As a matter of fact, why don't we draw boundaries from this moment forth?" His eyes glittered with enthusiasm. 

"Boundaries?" I asked, confused. 

"Yes, what kind of touch are you comfortable with. How frequently do you want to set this? Do you want to follow a routine? Things of this nature," he explained. 

"I don't know." I was more confused than ever. "I just want to be able to differentiate between good touch and bad touch. I don't want to think that every touch will hurt me somehow," I admitted, my voice a whisper. 

He thought for a moment. "How about this?" he spoke out after a few minutes of silence. "You can touch me and initiate contact whenever you want."

"And what does that entail?" I asked. Suddenly, I felt amused by the whole situation. 

"Anything you are comfortable with. Whatever you feel like in the moment. Even if you just want to sit beside me, you don't need to be afraid. You can approach me as slowly or as fast as you wish, I won't deter you in any way." That made sense. But my imagination flew. He was giving me leeway to do anything to him. If I were wicked, I would take full advantage of it.

"But if I have to touch you in any way, for example, ruffle your hair or hold your hand when we cross the street, I will take your explicit consent beforehand." I smiled. 

"Thank you for considering my feelings with such detail." It was a compliment. "You don't need to worry about accidental touches or touching me if I am having a nightmare of breakdown." I paused and looked at his expression. How had I gotten so lucky to meet someone this good? 

I would hate to ruin this. I stopped myself there. 

"I will have you know that I am not repulsed by your touch." The statement was brave coming from me. "But I appreciate how much you care about me." I was yet to accept that he had any romantic feelings towards me. Sebastian didn't lie, but I lied to myself all the time. 

Lying to myself was so much better than coming to a conclusion about how our relationship was going to look like. When I got better and deemed myself worthy of affection, I would reconsider this topic.

"I'm glad I am not repulsive," he chuckled. He was about to pat my shoulder but he stopped mid-air and retreated his hand. "Can I pat your shoulder?" he asked. 

I nodded and broke into a laugh once again. He enthusiastically patted me, almost making me stumble with his force. "Careful, you got really excited by this little contact."

He shook his head. "Oh no. I am just glad that I can touch you without making you uncomfortable. I hated it when I saw you freeze up. Your palms got all sweaty when I held your hands, too. It's not nice when someone you like retreats from your touch." 

He pushed a hand through his hair. He was saved from embarrassment by the doorbell.